Post # 1
A previous thread got me thinking “Do SO’s do bad things in relationships (like defy your trust etc) because they “know” they can get away with it because you will “never” leave them?
Do you think that a SO is more likely to respect you and not do certain things (i.e., cheat, neglect you, etc) because he knows you’d leave in a heart beat?
I think that this question is especially interesting if you are engaged or married where there seems to be a lot more on the line (like public perception of you two as a couple, or maybe you have kids etc).
I know that all relationships take work and compromise, but, how much does your think or “know” they can “get away with”?
Just some food for thought.
Post # 3
I haven’t even thought about any of this in my current relationship b/c, well, I know my husband wouldn’t do that to me. He knows what is and isn’t ok, and he respects me enough not to do something that isn’t ok. We have the same morals and beliefs and that’s one of the reasons that we work so well together.
My ex, on the other hand, lied to me like crazy. I think like you said, he knew I would always take him back. For 7 1/2 years I did. And then it got to be too much, he told me a big lie straight to my face. And that was finally the end of it!
Post # 4
So interesting! I feel like when you’re in a healthy relationship this issue never crosses our minds. But, I think if you know someone is blatantly taking advantage of you, he knows that you know too. And thus, knows he can get away with it!
Post # 5
I would try to make it work even in the toughest circumstances, but cheating is the one thing I can’t compromise on. I’d also have a hard time forgiving anyting that I consider disrespectful of our relationship. Strippers fall into this category which is why I tend to get passionate in those threads. Luckily we’re on the same page on that one.
Also I’ll probably get a lot of slack for this…I don’t condone domestic violence in the slightest bit, but a recent thread got me thinking about what I would do if my husband ever hit me. I don’t think I would leave right away. We would go to counseling. It would take a lot of healing and earning back my trust. But I think deep inside I would know that this is completely out of character for him and must’ve happened in a moment of temporary insanity. If he ever did it a second time, then I would leave. Of course this is all hypothetical, I don’t believe he would ever lay a finger on me.
Post # 6
Cheating or abuse are the two things I would never tolerate, for anything else I would try counseling.
Post # 7
Any of the traditional “3 A’s”: Abuse, adultery, addiction.
I define abuse quite broadly to include any form of verbal or emotional abuse which is much too common these days from what I read on these boards. It makes me feel sad.
Luckily, I’ve been with FH for 7 yrs, so I think I’m pretty sure of him. But, I don’t take anything for granted. I feel fortunate to be with a man who is just genuinely a kind & respectful person.
Post # 9
If it were my fiance I would leave if there was cheating, dometic violence, drug use. I would also leave a boyfriend if we disagreed on something such as having kids, if he didnt want to get married, if I found out he was lieing to me about something, if he wouldnt introduce me to his parents.
If it were my husband I would not leave him if he cheated once. If he kept cheating I would leave him unless we had kids then I would stay together for the kids (I dont think this is the right choice for everyone it is just what I would do). If he was violent to me or the children, if I found out he was a child molester (yes some women stay), if I found out he was gay, if he was addicted to drugs I would leave him if he was a danger to me or the children or after we had tried treatment.
This is all hypothetical though, except for the boyfriend part bc I have left bfs for these reasons.
Post # 10
Thanks. It actually takes courage to admit that you would stay after someone cheated- even if its just a one time rule. Did you mean that you would leave
if he molested the children?
Post # 11
Why, thank you. I do try.
Post # 12
Being a shitbag. That sums up a lot of the previous comments for me. It’s hard to pinpoint them exactly, if that makes sense.
Also? Gross unhappiness. I can’t even fathom it, but it could be a culmination of things. Not that I wouldn’t try to make it work, but I wouldn’t sacrifice my own happiness for years and years if we are both trying and getting nowhere. I do believe in trying. But i also don’t believe in beating a dead horse and charades.
But there are definitely a few situations where I’d walk out the door and never look back. Marriage is a two-way street dude
Post # 13
“being a shitbag:” exactly. i think of being in love as a mutual taking of responsibility for the other person emotionally, insofar as you can (ie, within the relationship; you can’t do much about how the “outside world” or mental health issues…). you don’t intentionally hurt the other person–you treat them with consideration and respect, because hurting them or seeing them hurt hurts you. and vice versa, it’s def a 2-way street. so, to me, being inconsiderate would be a deal breaker. not like, over little things or isolated events–everyone gets a little self-centered sometimes!–but a repeated and total disregard for how his behavior affects me and our relationship and, in the future, our kids, would be the last straw.
Post # 14
Yup, shitbags don’t live here, not now, not ever 🙂
Post # 15
Abuse, for sure. Addiction, I am not so sure. It would depend on how willing he was to get treatment, stick with a program, rebuild his life,etc. I see addiction as a disease rather than a bad behavior, and I promised in my wedding vows to stay in sickness and in health, so it would depend on how far the addiction went, i.e. whether the disease crossed into bad behavior. Adultery is a tricky one. Yes, I would most likely leave, but I am a lot fuzzier on this than I was before we were married… and a lot would depend on the circumstances.
Post # 16
I would probably try to help with addiction too. Molestation of my children- i would be GONE!