Post # 1
I’ve been with my bf for about 10 months now, but we’ve known each other for years as friends. Things between us are serious, at least I think or thought. Both of us aren’t young he’s in his early 30s and I’m in my late 20s. I want to settle down and have a family before it’s well too late. As horrible as it sounds, let face it women have a timeline that they can’t escape. I get that it’s too soon for anything like engagement or marriage, but I would like to know if the relationship has the potential of a future. I’m not asking for marriage now, I’m asking if that is a possibility for us. The issue got brought up by him mind you, so I asked “do you think there is a future with us?” His response was “if you asking if i want to marry you now, the answer is no” I was so struck by the comment I was like ok, well then I guess I should re-evaluate the relationship. He asked me if that was the kind of relationship I was looking for. I told him I wanted a relationship that was working towards something, I thought that’s what we have. He says he’s doesn’t know and can’t say. I guess my question is if he doesn’t know by now if he even considers a future with me, will he? Should I cut my loses and move on? I love him so much, and we have such a wonderful relationship, but I’m not getting any younger. I’m not pushing for now, just wondering if it’s even a possibility.
Post # 3
Sorry, but he should know now whether or not you two have a future together or not. As much as it would hurt, I would cut my losses, if I were in your situation.
Post # 4
Hmmm, I would bring it up again and ask him all those questions. Make it clear that you aren’t expecting a proposal in the near future, but you want to know that he is someone that WANTS to get married, and that he could see the possibility of marrying you in the future. I say, if you have any doubts you should get out sooner rather than later. If, in his early 30s, he isn’t thinking about marriage, then who knows when he will consider it.
Post # 5
UHM, HI? ARE YOU LIKE MY DOUBLE OR SOMETHING?
I seriously, no lie, am going through the EXACT same thing. SO and I just had a fight about this last night. I JUST turned 29 and have the same thoughts as you. We’ve been together for 4+ yrs now. I casually bring up weddings and what not. Our fight was that he wants to make sure Im the right person that he can see me with in the future and whatnot. Not to mention, he wants to make sure that he can still love me even with my annoying quirks. I was very hurt by that. I felt that if after 4 yrs he didn’t know this yet then quite possibly he would never see us together then. I dont like having to put a time frame on him at all, but I dont want be nearing 40 and getting married for the first time. It’s hard to say it but basically if he didn’t think he could see us married and not share the same dreams as I do, then I think it would be best to move on. It wouldn’t mean that you don’t love him or vise versa. I don’t believe that there is only one person out there meant to be. I know I didn’t really answer your question at all, but I just wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel. It’s almost scary. But to let you know, SO and I worked it out. Im not saying that we are going to get married anytime soon, but we are def going to work on bettering our relationship so that when it is time to get married, we will both have a better understanding about each other. I really do hope things work out for you. Keep me posted!
Post # 6
A friend of mine who is in his 30s has been with his girlfriend for a few years. He has recently expressed to his family that he doesn’t think she’s the one, but has still continued the relationship. His girlfriend has no idea he thinks/feels that way and I feel so bad for her because she thinks it’s getting to the point in the relationship that he’s going to propose.
In my opinion, if both people in the relationship don’t see eye to eye about the future of said relationship, then maybe it’s best not to be with each other. Because why continue dating someone you know you won’t get married to?
ETA: I agree with pps. Have a more specific talk about the future and what you want out of the relationship to see if you are on the same page.
Post # 7
I’m sorry, that’s tough! I think you should have an honest conversation with him about the prospect of marriage in the future. By now he should have some type of idea if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you. If he is still non-committal, unfortunately you may need to re-evaluate if he’s the right person for you.
Post # 8
I’m sorry to say this but at his age, it doesn’t take years to figure out if you’re the person he sees himself with. in his 30s he’s had enough experiences with women to know what he wants and what he doesn’t. After 10 months and years of experience with relationships you should know your partner enough to know whether they are the person. Sure he might not be ready for marriage now but at this point he should know whether he wants to marry you some day. I have a friend whose bf kept telling her that they had problems to work out before they got engaged and I always told her that problems will come and go through out your life but you should just know whether this is the person you want to work on those problems with.
Post # 9
I think it’s perfectly okay to have the conversation about your expectations. He should know that at some point in your life you do want to get married and have children, because for some people that’s a deal breaker (I know it would be for me). If he’s not interested in ever settling down or having kids, that’s something that you need to know. If he’s waiting until the right person comes along, that’s something different.
Post # 10
I would be asking a lot of questions. Why no marriage? Does he never want marriage? Is it specifically you he doesn’t want to marry? Is it about a previous relationship? Is he just not ready yet? And depending on the answers I’d be ready to leave.
Post # 11
I think he was pretty direct in his statement, “if you asking if i want to marry you now, the answer is no”… It almost leaves no room for questions really. If you want to you could try asking again and expressing what you have written here, and clarifying that you aren’t looking for an engagement NOW but that you just want to know if he EVER sees that happening. However, I do think if he doesn’t have any idea after 10 months then you should probably cut your losses. It wouldn’t be fair to you to go on for years dating if he never wants to get married to you, or worse, never wants to get married period.
Post # 12
Thanks a lot bees for you very timely, candid and kind advice. I guess I kind of always knew what the answer just didn’t want to accept it. It’s just so hard though. Sometimes I think I’m not giving it enough time, but I’ve always been told when a guy says something he means its. There’s no if ends or buts about it. I love him so much, and he loves me too. The other night, (we don’t live together), he came over after work I was already sleeping, gave me a kiss and crawled him behind to hug me. He said: I’m so glad to be home and hugging you. I love you, and I love coming home to you. It’s funny cause for him home is where ever I’m at.
Oh bees I’m so sad. Sad because of what I have to do. Things just don’t line up with what he does and says. It has me all foggy. Out of the blue one day he asked me if I like a wedding dress in a shoppe window. It was a high end designer, he asked I’d like something like that. I told him that way too expensive. He said well you should get the wedding dress you want you will only get married once. Then he asked about my friends engagement ring price, again asked if I thought it was reasonable. I told him it was beautiful but I a lot. He kept question about prices and where I would want it from. The whole conversation took be by surprise because I never initiated a word we were just walking. But now that I look back there was never a WE, just a want do YOU want, and what I would want. But why bring up all that stuff, and weeks later all of a sudden say “I don’t know”. It’s absolutely annoying. I was happy with just being. Guess he was just talking to hear his own voice.
Post # 13
Ahhh…he is so frustrating. Sometimes I just feel like tossing the relationship and along with all the unanswered questions out the window. Life would just be so much more easier that way! No mess.
Post # 14
Well….it’s possible he just needs longer than the 10 months you guys have been dating to know if you’re “the one”. I think it’s reasonable if he’s not there yet, but you are, to give it some time. LOTS of people take a year or two to ‘figure it out’ or even more. He loves you and is happy with you, and you are with him. Is he saying no to marriage in general or just not yet? I don’t think he was necessarily just talking about weddings to hear himself….guys are always told the wedding is about the bride, it’s about the girl, etc. My husband was very much, “whatever YOU want, ejs” in regards to our wedding. He was just ‘along for the ride’ he said and just wanted to make me happy. It’s possible your SO is doing that–he doesn’t care as much about the wedding but feels that perhaps it’s a bigger deal for YOU. Most girls are all wrapped up in the details and most men are not. He’s probably doing some soul searching and is evaluating how he feels about you, too.
Post # 15
I agree with the other girls here… you probably should cut your losses. At 30+ 10 months should be enough to know if you have a future with someone. Not 100% okay lets get married… but at least “I like where this is going and I could see myself marrying you in the near-ish future.” There is also a chance that he just needs a bit of a push. I wouldn’t make it an ultimatum but at some point you need to say to him “I love you and I would love to marry you. I feel that we’ve been together long enough that you know everything you need to know about me to decide if you want to marry me some day too… and you don’t. So I have to go find someone who wants what I want” and go. It could be the push he needs to commit, or it could be that you weren’t meant to be… either way, wasting time with him doesn’t seem to be the answer.
Post # 16
I’m of the opinion that a person should know whether or not they want to marry the person their dating by month nine. If they don’t know by month nine (and especially if defensive about the topic), then they’re just wasting your time.