What would you do?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 61
Member
9735 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

anonbee322 :  Keep your chin up bee! I know it’s hard to do right now but you owe it to the baby inside you.

Post # 62
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

anonbee322 :  Okay, first, super congrats on the baby!  You will be a great mom, and I’m sure he will be a great dad regardless of what happens as he obviously has some good attributes to him that got him you 🙂  If it all falls apart with the marriage, it is not the end of the world should the baby be your choice to keep–kids adapt so well and it will likely be all he or she knows if everything is settled before they arrive, so don’t worry about the ‘ideal’ family life if you are prone to.  Gotta keep mommy happy and secure to keep baby happy and secure, so let’s work on that.

Honestly, I probably wouldn’t tell him about the bfp until I had figured out my plan once I had all of the information I could glean.  Then again, he may come clean if he learns about it and truly regrets anything he possibly did for a clean slate–but that’s a bit of a gamble that would really depend on how well you know him and picture him reacting.

So, what I would do… And this is going to be controversial and far from 100% effective, but it is truly what I would do if there was no hope of me shaking my doubts about my husband but truly wasn’t sure if they were founded or not (and I have already told him this would be what it came down to should he ever find himself having planted a seed of doubt somehow in my mind).  Surprise lie detector test (he could know they’re coming, just not when until he’s there in the room), maybe two different ones (where at least one is done by a woman and the other a man for reasons I could explain later, if you’d like) to check results and hopefully have a better chance at sorting out biases or the ability for hubs to bribe the person or deceive the test (paranoid much? yes).

I’d be finding two very good, reputable services via online reviews in your area or as close to it as possible and pony up the fee if it wasn’t more than $1.1k each (I have no idea how much they cost, but divorce and the loss of an honest husband would make it worth it to me).  Then, get your questions together, make your appointments, and clear the questions for clarity with the company.  I wouldn’t tell him beans, and I’d hide my questions where he absolutely couldn’t find them, just in case. 

Take the results, pour through phone records/text messages requested from your phone company and ask him to open all of his email, social media accounts, etc. for one thorough check with him by your side (as I am not about to be in a relationship where I need his passwords on stand-by to go crazy checking him the rest of my life, but one thorough check right now).  Put your lawyer brain in gear and do your due dilligence while keeping in mind that your husband is smart enought not to leave anything in his online/hardware accounts at this point (unless he is incredibly lazy/cocky), but phone records for as far back as they keep can’t be altered.  Don’t tell him you plan to pour through this stuff until it is time, you could even do it ASAP just to keep him on his toes.  But please tell him and yourself, this is a one-time search since he got himself in a pickle and you will not be planning or wanting to peep into his stuff forever after.

If you want the security footage, I suggest calling ahead unless you are in the neighborhood as it could be a long trip for nothing.  Most hotels get this crap too often to care (or are wary of privacy laws) unless your hubby does some begging and pleading about needing to prove to his pregnant wife that blahblahblah (I know because I worked at a luxury hotel for a stint).

Just don’t make empty threats with any of this.  If you want to know, commit and look for answers ASAP, or you create a hole for him to see that maybe you will stay instead of leave if he continues or tries to cheat for the real first time.  This isn’t a game, it’s what you are deciding your relationship on because you are trying to figure out the truth for both of your benefit.

My husband knows that he gets one chance to tell me he has cheated or done something borderline, and that is the second he walks in our door from said event BEFORE he even touches me (I am a HUGE germaphobe), and this is just in the hopes that I will hear him out and not completely have my mind made up to leave once I figure out what he is going on about.  I have a zero tolerance policy with my boundaries, especially with fair warning, so should he toy with me and make me unsure if he is lying or if something suspicious was going on versus accidentally/stupidly painting himself into a guilty-looking corner, I want to have real answers.  The only way I could see about getting close to deep honesty in this situation is with a well-respected lie detector test or two, and he can either take it or forfeit the relationship.  I don’t like seeds of doubt as they fester with me, so I would need something as sure as I could get to really keep my relationship intact should something like this happen.  If it happens again, he’s toast. 

I am not dealing with worry and stalking his every move because he is a moron that couldn’t see what he was making things look like, if he were innocent.  This is extreme, but it would probably be my only real hope of extinguishing the doubt enough to go on in a happy marriage, and I do mean happy, not one of resentment on either end or compulsive worrying and bringing it up all the time, but going forward with your decision on his credibility made and maybe with him knowing his badarse wife has her eyes open just a little wider when it comes to him.  Also, there would be STI testing for both of you, just as extra reassurance and a warning to him that it is almost impossible to restore full confidence in him.

My husband would feel terrible if I felt like things were this serious and he had innocently figured out how to skew our dynamic like this, and he knows I can only trust him so much.  So, he would do what he had to, and I would make sure he knew this was not a new way of our relationship, but his one chance at redemption.

For the record, I was in favor of giving your husband the benefit of the doubt with precautions, but that’s imagining my husband in your husband’s shoes, and obviously that’s irrelevant.  My husband on the otherhand, was not buying any of your husband’s story and I was a little surprised because he is usually the more middle-of-the-road one.  One of these things is bad, but all three would be dumb not to question seriously.

Post # 63
Member
18 posts
Newbee

anonbee322 :  I’m so sorry you are going through this, especially at what should be such a happy time. Are you friendly at all with the other wives?? Assuming their husbands were innocent in all this, it’s possible they may have spilled details of the night with their SOs. While the guys would likely not tell you anything, their wives might. They may already know what happened and just don’t know if it’s their place to tell you (assuming that’s how you might feel towards the gf whose bf asked your husband about condoms). Or maybe they can ease your doubts! Might be worth asking them about it. 

Post # 64
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee

Lie detector tests are not reliable. Please do not stake the future of your marriage on a lie detector test. 

 

Post # 65
Member
437 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017 - State Park

I would honestly trust him on this. 

But it seems like you could just ask the other guys what happened. If their stories don’t make sense beyond excusable “there were 8 of us and it wasn’t my turn to watch him” and “I got too drunk to be sure of details”, THEN you have a problem. But 7 guys won’t all have their story straight. If something happened, you’ll know. Ask. 

Post # 66
Member
168 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

curiouscat2017 :  Hmm, that was never my intention to stake everything on a lie detector test.  It is just another piece of data.  The validity is always suspect as why it is not allowed in court, but there is a reason they still use them in criminal cases, security clearances, etc.  I figure anything you could get in this situation is better than basically flipping a coin based on your intuition and whatever he decides to admit to, but that’s me.  Some say if it comes to this, you’ve already lost; for me, I can say it likely would be the only thing capable of restoring my hope because I want reasonable certainty…  It’s a personal decision, though.  To each their own.

Post # 67
Member
9131 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

Just a note: Lie detector tests are much more accurate than trying to independently guage whether someone is lying.  There is a much higher chance than someone can fool another individual, especially someone who has a history of trusting them, than they can fool the test.  There’s a reason they’re used as background for hiring at places like the FBI, CIA, etc.

Post # 68
Member
621 posts
Busy bee

The thing that worries me the most is you would never know if he didn’t leave his watch home by accident. What if this is how they all behave normally on guy trips? I know he said he’s giving them up now but it just seems like he’s making a lot of excuses. 

What are the odds this is the first time their guy trip brought up some questionable interactions? And now he wants out of the rest of them… just seems like he is feeling guilty and he doesn’t think he can go away with these guys any more because this is exactly how they turn out 

good luck bee. 

Post # 69
Member
1637 posts
Bumble bee

Lie detector tests work by noting that the person has a much higher stress response to a question than other questions. This might work in a background check because if if you have nothing to hide then you won’t stress. You could stick one on me right now and ask me if I’ve committed any crimes and I would pass easy peasy. But if I were currently on trial for a crime I didn’t commit, eh. 

Your  husband is likely to have a stress response to this question even if he is innocent. You have already been fighting about it. I would stake its reliability on this situation as being rather low. 

Post # 70
Member
163 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Ok, so my now-husband, then fiancé, has done that whole “take other girls’ phone numbers for a friend” before. We were in Miami and a guy we met and my husband went out when I just wanted to stay in. The guy’s phone died and he put two numbers of girls he met into my husband’s phone. I don’t know if they ever texted him in order to try and meet up w the other guy, but my husband came back to the hotel and told me about that move because he couldn’t believe this guy’s game and was bewildered by how the guy thought he was going to keep communicating with them. We both thought it was funny and I never gave it a second thought. 

As for the condoms, guys keep them around forever, especially in bags they traveled with. I still have stuff in travel bags from YEARS ago. Hell, I probably have condoms in one of them too.

So I’m obviously on team “believe him.” Congrats on your pregnancy!

Post # 72
Member
31 posts
Newbee

I’m sorry you’re in this situation and I hope your husband has been faithful and truthful to you. I would hold off on making any rash decisions based on a gut feeling without concrete evidence, especially because he never before gave you reason to doubt him and now a child is involved. 

Sometimes, our gut feelings are wrong. I recalled a thread from a while back about suspicions of cheating – this bee said she believed her SO, yet still must have had some doubts as she came here seeking others’ thoughts on her situation. Many bees rushed to judgement, likely filling her head with more doubts… until one offered a rational explanation which the poster said turned out to be correct. Even after, bees continued to suggest she was wrong, that he was cheating, and she was trying to avoid reality. 

boards.weddingbee.com/topic/whose-hairs-is-he-cheating/

This is such an important matter, especially now, with such serious impact to you, your husband  and your family. I mean no offense to anyone here, but I think it would be best for you to discuss only with people whose judgement you know and trust.

Post # 72
Member
10597 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Oh, for gawd’s sake.  Are we actually discussing polygraphs now?

Post # 72
Member
704 posts
Busy bee

Congratulations on your pregnancy! I’m currently pregnant with our first and I can’t even imagine dealing with this on top of being pregnant. 

I’m of two minds about this. One, it doesn’t sound like you’re a crazy jealous person who regularly flies off the handle about stuff so I would definitely say that if something feels off to you about this you are probably right. I don’t necessarily think that means he cheated on you or planned to cheat on you in AC though. I would guess that he and his guys met a big group of girls with the intention of meeting up later while they were out. I’ve been on tons of girl’s trips where this scenario has happened multiple times and often the married guys will get numbers because it’s less threatening than one of the single guys who’s interested in one of the girls in the group getting a number. Another option that I’ve seen firsthand too is that groups of guys will go out of town and use that time to cheat on their wives and gfs. If you’ve never had a weird feeling on a trip before though I’d guess that’s not the situation (however I’ve talked to these guys about this stuff and they all said their wives/gfs didn’t suspect a thing). I would guess that you’re feeling weird because he’s lying to you about something, but I don’t necessarily think that means he cheated on you or planned to cheat on you. If this were me, I’d probably give him the benefit of the doubt due to his past history, but you also have to trust yourself and your gut. It sounds like he’s lying about something and I would be concerned that he’s decided to double down on his story rather than coming clean. 

 

Post # 74
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

Any update??

Post # 75
Member
1149 posts
Bumble bee

You’re right to be alert and potentially on guard. Could be nothing but also could be something.

I recently discovered condoms in my boyfriend’s travel bag. I immediately called him out on it as we’ve only used condoms twice. My philosophy is to bring something up immediately instead of letting it stew and breed resentment. He sweetly reminded me that the condoms were there from our last trip together when I was finishing up a course of antibiotics. Antibiotics can reduce the effectiveness of birth control pills. Ironically, I’m the one who told him to bring condoms during that trip. I just forgot! And he forgot to remove them from his travel bag. 

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