Post # 1
so based on my past post I’m sure it’s clear DH and I are not having the best of times with all the arguing and stonewalling and divorce talk we’ve had over the last few months.
Im at a crossroads. I’ve started to open up about my situation to a few close girl friends and my mom. It was surprising all of them on different occasions said I need to find my own happiness, and if that meant leaving they would support my decision. I didn’t realize people were noticing my unhappiness from the outside in.
im supposed to head to DH families place for Christmas this year, across the country. I really am dreading this trip. I feel like if I went I would have no one in my corner. It’s not fun for me there when times are good, let alone during this turbulent time. This would also be my first Christmas away from my own family.
My mom suggested I stay with them this year and treat it as a trial separation, and when he gets back in January re-evaluate if we want to start couples counselling or figure out where my head and heart are. I’ve already begun individual counselling , and the last few times I’ve suggested couples he still says he wants to work on himself first before starting together.
I feel if I don’t go for Christmas it’s kind of like a final nail in the coffin for us. I brought up that I was thinking of maybe not going and he said if I don’t go with him he will “pack all my shit into a box and leave it in the hall”.
I know what I want to do, but I don’t know if I can .
Post # 2
Girl, just hammer that final nail in. Your husband is a jackass. He doesn’t want to try to save the marriage and you can’t do it alone. You’re miserable and you don’t need to subject yourself to being even more miserable by spending Christmas with his family.
He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your happiness so it’s time for you to start prioritizing your happiness. If he wants to end the marriage over one holiday apart, honestly good riddance to him. I would be calling a divorce lawyer.
Post # 3
I will start by saying I am not married yet, so I am maybe not the right person to chime in on this… but he says he wants to “work on himself first” but is he ALSO going to individual therapy? Or is he just biding his time pretending to do the work himself?
He sounds like a prideful person. As if he would say he would “pack all of your shit in a box” if you don’t go to see his family for Christmas. Does his family know you two are struggling? It sounds like he doesn’t want them to know and you not being there for Christmas would be a dead give-away and then he would have to talk about it.
I would give it a few days and then sit him down and say that you didn’t appreciate his reaction to your ideas about not going along for Christmas. You are just trying to protect yourself and your mental health. Spending time with your families apart may be just what each of you needs to get back on track together. A breather, etc. If he gets upset again try to ask him calmly why it bothers him so much. Is it because he wants to spend Christmas with you, or is it for appearances sake? I would say, depending on his answer to the why question, depends on whether you decide to go or not.
Im sorry you are going through this, Bee. This doesn’t sound like a happy time in your life and I know it must be really hard.
Post # 4
Okay so if it were me I would ask myself if I would care if he did pack my shit into a box and leave it in the hall. Do you care? Not as in, does it matter at all. Obviously it’s gonna bother you somewhat. But I mean does it *really matter* as in are you more unhappy than happy? Would it be better for you emotionally and mentally to put the nail in this coffin and move on? I’m not asking would it be better for both of you, you need to think about how you’ve been feeling and how hard it is for you emotionally to keep going through this. I am not saying just toss your marriage out the window without any thought, but there are times when it is healthier to let go than to drag it out.
Post # 5
wow, so sorry you are going through this. what a terrible response from your husband. honestly, you’d think that if he was a decent person he would understand why you are considering not flying across the country to spend the holiday with his family when things have clearly not be good between the two of you.
i would definintely be considering not going too. i would stay with my family and like you said, use the time apart as a trial seperation, see how it goes and see if things are any better when he gets home. maybe the break will make him think about everything and how he is treating you. or, maybe it will help you think about what you really want and will give you some confidence that you could certainly live without him and a marriage that clearly is on the rocks. not going certainly could be the nail in the coffin of this marriage ending, but personally, i dont think that’s a bad thing at all. he sounds like an asshole.
Post # 6
This sounds to me like he’s already got both feet out the door and is keeping one toe in until something happens that allows him to blame the entire divorce on you.
You skipping Christmas with his family is that thing.
He keeps refusing to work with you to put an actual plan together to save your marriage, or go to counseling. He keeps saying he’s working on stuff himself without producing and visible evidence that he is. He’s happily blaming everything on you and allowing you to shoulder all the responsibility for whatever broke this marriage down in the first place.
Those are not the behaviours of a man who wants to stay married.
Post # 7
Tell him that if he will go to counseling with you, you will go to see his family for the holidays. If he rejects that I’d just separate now and begin divorce proceedings.
Post # 9
Does the thought of him packing your shit in a box make you sad or relieved? Honestly, the fact that he even said that, which is a threat and an ultimatum, would help cement my decision to leave. I’d pack my own shit and take that option away from him. Who does he think he is?
Post # 10
I think he has made it easier OP, with that ugly remark about your box in the hall. He’s halfway gone already.
Not going at Christmas will be the death knell l suspect, you have to now decide if that is what you want. Horrible, l know, all of us divorced bees have been there in one way or another and if there is one thing we all know it is that it can’t be fixed if only one partner wants it fixed.
Post # 11
Thanks for everyone’s input . I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who would not go for Christmas.
i brought this up today after he saw me reading the book Too good to stay, too bad to leave , and we had a big discussion over it. He said separating at Christmas is the worst time to do this and he asked how he would explain to his parents and extended family why I wasn’t there. Then he said if thats what I really want , why wait and he’ll get an Airbnb next week.
I said it sounds like the only reason he wanted me to come was to save face with his family.
After our discussion and tears only from me, he’s been so overly sickenly sweet and trying to make a “change”. However i feel like it’s a little too late. I feel like he’s trying to use the control to change my mind about not leaving him, which is making this harder…
Post # 12
You know what the right decision is, you just need to follow through with it. You aren’t happy and he isn’t going to chance. Get that divorce rolling.
Post # 13
Aw I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I haven’t read your past posts but staying with your family for the holidays isn’t going to be detrimental to a real marriage. It may help and/or it may clarify things – but it won’t be the reason anything ends. Does that make sense? Do what makes your comfortable. jazzybee83 :