What would you do?

posted 12 months ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
10541 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2016

Girl, just hammer that final nail in. Your husband is a jackass. He doesn’t want to try to save the marriage and you can’t do it alone. You’re miserable and you don’t need to subject yourself to being even more miserable by spending Christmas with his family.

He clearly doesn’t give a shit about your happiness so it’s time for you to start prioritizing your happiness. If he wants to end the marriage over one holiday apart, honestly good riddance to him. I would be calling a divorce lawyer.

Post # 3
Member
398 posts
Helper bee

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jazzybee83 :  I will start by saying I am not married yet, so I am maybe not the right person to chime in on this… but he says he wants to “work on himself first” but is he ALSO going to individual therapy? Or is he just biding his time pretending to do the work himself?

He sounds like a prideful person. As if he would say he would “pack all of your shit in a box” if you don’t go to see his family for Christmas. Does his family know you two are struggling? It sounds like he doesn’t want them to know and you not being there for Christmas would be a dead give-away and then he would have to talk about it. 

I would give it a few days and then sit him down and say that you didn’t appreciate his reaction to your ideas about not going along for Christmas. You are just trying to protect yourself and your mental health. Spending time with your families apart may be just what each of you needs to get back on track together. A breather, etc. If he gets upset again try to ask him calmly why it bothers him so much. Is it because he wants to spend Christmas with you, or is it for appearances sake? I would say, depending on his answer to the why question, depends on whether you decide to go or not. 

Im sorry you are going through this, Bee. This doesn’t sound like a happy time in your life and I know it must be really hard. 

Post # 4
Member
180 posts
Blushing bee

Okay so if it were me I would ask myself if I would care if he did pack my shit into a box and leave it in the hall. Do you care? Not as in, does it matter at all. Obviously it’s gonna bother you somewhat. But I mean does it *really matter* as in are you more unhappy than happy? Would it be better for you emotionally and mentally to put the nail in this coffin and move on? I’m not asking would it be better for both of you, you need to think about how you’ve been feeling and how hard it is for you emotionally to keep going through this. I am not saying just toss your marriage out the window without any thought, but there are times when it is healthier to let go than to drag it out. 

Post # 5
Member
273 posts
Helper bee

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jazzybee83 :  wow, so sorry you are going through this.  what a terrible response from your husband.  honestly, you’d think that if he was a decent person he would understand why you are considering not flying across the country to spend the holiday with his family when things have clearly not be good between the two of you.

i would definintely be considering not going too.  i would stay with my family and like you said, use the time apart as a trial seperation, see how it goes and see if things are any better when he gets home.  maybe the break will make him think about everything and how he is treating you.  or, maybe it will help you think about what you really want and will give you some confidence that you could certainly live without him and a marriage that clearly is on the rocks.  not going certainly could be the nail in the coffin of this marriage ending, but personally, i dont think that’s a bad thing at all.  he sounds like an asshole.

Post # 6
Member
3149 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

This sounds to me like he’s already got both feet out the door and is keeping one toe in until something happens that allows him to blame the entire divorce on you. 

You skipping Christmas with his family is that thing.

He keeps refusing to work with you to put an actual plan together to save your marriage, or go to counseling. He keeps saying he’s working on stuff himself without producing and visible evidence that he is. He’s happily blaming everything on you and allowing you to shoulder all the responsibility for whatever broke this marriage down in the first place. 

Those are not the behaviours of a man who wants to stay married. 

Post # 7
Member
5160 posts
Bee Keeper

Tell him that if he will go to counseling with you, you will go to see his family for the holidays. If he rejects that I’d just separate now and begin divorce proceedings. 

Post # 8
Member
10602 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

He wants you gone

Post # 9
Member
9102 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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jazzybee83 :  Does the thought of him packing your shit in a box make you sad or relieved? Honestly, the fact that he even said that, which is a threat and an ultimatum, would help cement my decision to leave. I’d pack my own shit and take that option away from him. Who does he think he is? 

Post # 10
Member
10001 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

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jazzybee83 :  

I think he has made it easier OP, with that ugly remark about your box in the hall. He’s halfway gone already. 
Not going at Christmas will be the death knell l suspect, you have to now decide if that is what you want. Horrible, l know, all of us divorced bees have been there in one way or another and if there is one thing we all know it is that it can’t be fixed if only one partner wants it fixed. 

Post # 12
Member
7352 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

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jazzybee83 :  You know what the right decision is, you just need to follow through with it. You aren’t happy and he isn’t going to chance. Get that divorce rolling.

Post # 13
Member
6571 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2013

Aw I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. I haven’t read your past posts but staying with your family for the holidays isn’t going to be detrimental to a real marriage. It may help and/or it may clarify things – but it won’t be the reason anything ends. Does that make sense? Do what makes your comfortable. 

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jazzybee83 :  

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