Post # 1
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
My younger brother announced a few months ago that he was going to be getting married. Awesome I couldn’t be happier for him, I love my brother more than anything.
The things is now that we have gotten to know his fi more and more my older sister and I have come to the conclusion that there are some things she doesn’t know about my brother, that if I was her I would want to know probably. My family is very very liberal, we come from a catholic family but my parents never took us to church, we would usually only have to go for holidays with my nana. My brothers fi is a devout roman catholic, her family goes to mass multiple times a week, and they are very religious. My brother and her are being married in one of the largest cathedrals in our state by the most public bishop in our state. My brother is also now a devout roman catholic and goes to church with her and her family.
Now my older sister was talking to brothers fi and they started talking about waiting until marriage for intimacy ect… well brothers fi tells my sister how awesome it is that my brohter has waited until marriage to have sex as well as how she has.
Well here’s the problem my brother was gay for about 7 years, and has slept with several people. Now his fi moved here a few years ago with her family from a different state, and she knows a few of my brothers friends who have been friends with him since we were little. But I don’t think his fi has any idea that my brother was gay, and has slept with guys. I know that her and family don’t approve of people of the same sex being in a relastionship, and that they don’t approve of premarital sex. I don’t feel right standing up as a bm in their wedding if she really doesn’t know any of this. I’m not sure if I should tell her, or ask her if she knows? It’s not really my place to butt into their relationship, but I mean really if she doesn’t know any of this, it’s not going to be pretty when she does find out somewhere down the road. What would you bees do? Would you tell her, (my brother isn’t really open to talking about it, and he would probably hang up the phoen if a broached the subject) so I don’t think talkign to him about it is really an option, or would you just keep your mouth shut?
Post # 3
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
I think under NO circumstances is it your place to tell her. Especially since it sounds like you don’t even know her. I think if you have known her for years or if she was your friend then that’s different.
But as your brother’s sister I think it is your place to express your concern to him and only him.
I think if you told his Fiance behind his back you will lose his trust forever.
I think if you tell your brother and he still doesn’t tell her and you still feel uncomfortable. Then step down as Bridesmaid or Best Man.
Post # 4
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@buzzingbee123: It really is not your place to tell her. The only thing you can do is talk to your brother about telling her.
See if you can have some time to sit down just you and your brother and let him know your concerns. Do it in person. Not over the phone.
Come at it from a place of compassion. Let him know you really like his Fiance and that you really want them to have a long and happy marriage and you are worried this could come between them when she finds out.
Make it clear that no matter how hard he tries to keep it from her, more than likely it will come out at some point.
Also, if he hasn’t been tested for STDs, stress that he should. Because anyone who had ever been sexually active should be tested. Think of how terrible it would be for his Fiance to find out he hadn’t waited until marriage by contracting an STD from him.
Talk to him about how he should not want to start his marriage on a base of lies.
Post # 5
Member
4136 posts
Honey bee
hold up. the most worrisome thing about this post is that you said you brother “was” gay. gay isn’t somthing you can turn off and on. to say that your brother was gay and is now straight is offensive.
that being said, this is none of your business.
Post # 6
Member
169 posts
Blushing bee
I agree with the pp that it’s not really your place to tell her, but on the other hand if I were his fi I would want to know esp since her religious views are opposite what his past life was. I mean I would want to know that before I got married not find out after already being married.
Maybe could your mom talk your brother about it, since it seems like you don’t think it would go over well if you brought up the subject? It must be odd that your entire family knows this and nobody has brought it up?
Post # 7
Member
2467 posts
Buzzing bee
totally agree with gerbera and katnyc2011. talk to him, not her.
Post # 8
Member
8734 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
@kitzy: I agree with you, but many Catholics believe that you can “fix” gay people and make them straight.
He may also be bisexual. But I agree being gay is not something you turn on and off.
Post # 9
Member
11324 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
Yea I don’t know… this is not so much me giving advice as thinking out loud…. your brother is just wrong here. Absolutely wrong, imo, to not tell her about his past particularly because of her beliefs. I don’t know that just because you’re related to him that means you have to be a party to his lies. She deserves to know. Telling her will probably ruin your relationship with your brother. Not telling her might ruin her life. Its an incredibly hard decision… but I am really not sure I’d keep my mouth shut on this one.
Post # 11
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
Agree – not really your place to share that information. He should definitely do it himself and maybe you could write him a letter to express your concerns. But if you did that, you would lose your brothers trust and he would be very upset. I dont know about you, but my brother would never forgive me. Or talk to your mother about it, since you both know about his past. It is sad that she is marrying him without knowing all of that!
If he was going through a faze where he was experimenting and found out it wasn’t for him, then he is probably embarassed now. So I doubt he will tell her no matter what you say.
Post # 12
Member
1940 posts
Buzzing bee
It is so not your place to discuss and honestly how do you know that they haven’t already? Couples do discuss things in private and keep it private. If you should talk to anyone it would be your brother.
Post # 13
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
@buzzingbee123: Wow. I’m going to go against popular opinion here and recommend that you and your sister have a very frank talk with your brother and insist he tell his fiance’ about his past – she has a right to know who she’s really marrying. If your brother is gay (and it sounds as if he is) and is repressing it its likely only a matter of time until he acts out on it and not only cheats on his wife but perhaps puts her at risk for an STD. Put it this way, if you were her, wouldn’t you want to know? I don’t think this is something you can turn a blind eye too in good conscience.
Post # 14
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
@MissGreen:
I was kind of thinking that as well.
You don’t know that she doesn’t already know without asking your brother.
Because of her religous background it could be that they are opting to keep it under wraps due to what her family might think. In that case, that is also their business. Not yours.
Post # 15
Member
3 posts
Wannabee
@lisa105: See that’s how we feel. She is the first girl he has ever dated since I can remember, he went through high school and college saying he was gay and dating guys. I just feel like we are keeping this big secret from her that my brohter won’t even discuss. I feel like everyone in my family is just sitting there tight lipped as to not upset my brother, but really at this point I feel more about her feelings than his, because he’s one hiding things. And if he has told her and they are keeping it under wraps than awesome, but from what my older sister and I have gathered she doesn’t know anything.
Post # 16
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
@buzzingbee123: It probably does make you feel a little guilty. If she doesnt know, and she finds out – she will feel so betrayed by everyone around him. That is such a big thing to keep from someone. I am surprised they have gotten this far without a friend blurting it out or her hearing about it from someone else.