(Closed) What would you do?

posted 8 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think under NO circumstances is it your place to tell her. Especially since it sounds like you don’t even know her. I think if you have known her for years or if she was your friend then that’s different.

But as your brother’s sister I think it is your place to express your concern to him and only him.
I think if you told his Fiance behind his back you will lose his trust forever.

I think if you tell your brother and he still doesn’t tell her and you still feel uncomfortable. Then step down as Bridesmaid or Best Man.

Post # 4
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@buzzingbee123: It really is not your place to tell her. The only thing you can do is talk to your brother about telling her.

See if you can have some time to sit down just you and your brother and let him know your concerns. Do it in person. Not over the phone.

Come at it from a place of compassion. Let him know you really like his Fiance and that you really want them to have a long and happy marriage and you are worried this could come between them when she finds out.

Make it clear that no matter how hard he tries to keep it from her, more than likely it will come out at some point.

Also, if he hasn’t been tested for Save-The-Date Cards, stress that he should. Because anyone who had ever been sexually active should be tested. Think of how terrible it would be for his Fiance to find out he hadn’t waited until marriage by contracting an STD from him.

Talk to him about how he should not want to start his marriage on a base of lies.

Post # 5
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

hold up. the most worrisome thing about this post is that you said you brother “was” gay. gay isn’t somthing you can turn off and on. to say that your brother was gay and is now straight is offensive.

that being said, this is none of your business.

Post # 6
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I agree with the pp that it’s not really your place to tell her, but on the other hand if I were his fi I would want to know esp since her religious views are opposite what his past life was. I mean I would want to know that before I got married not find out after already being married.

Maybe could your mom talk your brother about it, since it seems like you don’t think it would go over well if you brought up the subject? It must be odd that your entire family knows this and nobody has brought it up?

Post # 7
Member
2465 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

totally agree with gerbera and katnyc2011. talk to him, not her.

Post # 8
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@kitzy: I agree with you, but many Catholics believe that you can “fix” gay people and make them straight.

He may also be bisexual. But I agree being gay is not something you turn on and off.

Post # 9
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

Yea I don’t know… this is not so much me giving advice as thinking out loud…. your brother is just wrong here. Absolutely wrong, imo, to not tell her about his past particularly because of her beliefs. I don’t know that just because you’re related to him that means you have to be a party to his lies. She deserves to know. Telling her will probably ruin your relationship with your brother. Not telling her might ruin her life. Its an incredibly hard decision… but I am really not sure I’d keep my mouth shut on this one. 

Post # 10
Member
171 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

@CorgiTales: I’m with you!

 

Post # 11
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Agree – not really your place to share that information.  He should definitely do it himself and maybe you could write him a letter to express your concerns.  But if you did that, you would lose your brothers trust and he would be very upset.  I dont know about you, but my brother would never forgive me.   Or talk to your mother about it, since you both know about his past.  It is sad that she is marrying him without knowing all of that! 

If he was going through a faze where he was experimenting and found out it wasn’t for him, then he is probably embarassed now.  So I doubt he will tell her no matter what you say. 

Post # 12
Member
1944 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

It is so not your place to discuss and honestly how do you know that they haven’t already? Couples do discuss things in private and keep it private. If you should talk to anyone it would be your brother.

Post # 13
Member
714 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@buzzingbee123: Wow.  I’m going to go against popular opinion here and recommend that you and your sister have a very frank talk with your brother and insist he tell his fiance’ about his past – she has a right to know who she’s really marrying.  If your brother is gay (and it sounds as if he is) and is repressing it its likely only a matter of time until he acts out on it and not only cheats on his wife but perhaps puts her at risk for an STD.  Put it this way, if you were her, wouldn’t you want to know?  I don’t think this is something you can turn a blind eye too in good conscience. 

Post # 14
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

@MissGreen:

I was kind of thinking that as well.
You don’t know that she doesn’t already know without asking your brother.
Because of her religous background it could be that they are opting to keep it under wraps due to what her family might think. In that case, that is also their business. Not yours.

Post # 16
Member
280 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

@buzzingbee123:  It probably does make you feel a little guilty.  If she doesnt know, and she finds out – she will feel so betrayed by everyone around him.  That is such a big thing to keep from someone.  I am surprised they have gotten this far without a friend blurting it out or her hearing about it from someone else.

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