Post # 1
My mom is offering to pay for our wedding – full deal, cake, venues, decor, my dress, flowers, food, wine… But she also spent this weekend (the first time we’ve been around each other since March) saying that it’s pointless for us to get married because we already live together. It’s pointless for him to ask my dad. It’s pointless for us to have a wedding. I don’t want to deal with that sort of two-faced attitude. Not while wedding planning, not on the wedding day, and not during our marriage. “Yay, you’re getting married, but it’s really a sham.” I thought she might be able to at least hold her tongue while we were looking at invitations and a dress, but no. She has to call me a harlot.
If we do a normal wedding (my home town, chapel, dinner and dancing at the reception, plus another reception in his hometown), my mom would be offended if I don’t let her pay, but she’d keep repeating how I don’t deserve to get married… ever. That’d color my memories of my wedding day forever. But I’d be fulfilling family expectations.
If we do a small religious ceremony (current town, gazebo, going out for dinner after, brunch receptions in hometowns) with just a few close friends (the people we’d ask to be our MOH/best man and our immediate families), I still have to deal with my mom’s ugliness, but not with her holding it over my head every time I plan a detail.
If we do a small civil ceremony (courthouse, small parties at hometowns) with just close local friends, I skip out on relating my mom’s sniping with my wedding, but I also miss out on what I consider a wedding.
My guy was astounded at my mom’s attitude, and says he could do a courthouse wedding if need be.
Post # 3
What do YOU and FIANCE want to do? Can afford to do so that you don’t have to feel like you need to do what your mom wants?
Regardless of what is expected of you?
Post # 4
We CAN pull off a full wedding/reception on our own, but my mom would play the victim for years after. Plus, we’re halfway across the country from any local vendors. I don’t WANT that half-concealed condemnation to be the way I remember my wedding day. A small wedding mean I get prepared along with my guy, pick up a bouquet, go to the gazebo, do the ceremony, and we have dinner/lunch after. My mom wouldn’t have TIME to hover around snapping that if we wanted to get married, we should have done it over a year ago. (She got engaged after 6 months dating and was engaged for 3 months – it would have been two, except that my dad’s sister chose my mom’s preferred date for her own wedding. We’ve been together for 21 months. She got pregnant at the equivalent time-frame in her own relationship.)
My guy says he doesn’t care how big or small our wedding is, because he probably won’t really notice. He doesn’t understand why my mom would offer to pay for everything (As in “We’re thinking about getting married.” “Oh, I’ll cover the wedding expenses.” “That’s not necessary…” “But I want too!”), when she also doesn’t think we deserve to get married.
Post # 5
Hi – I am so sorry you’re going through this! I read your post, and what sticks out to me is that you can not win with your mother. I think it’s just awful that that’s the way she’s reacting to your wedding. I wish for you that you can find some way to protect yourself from this (her hurtful comments, at least) while at the same time keeping that relationship with your mother. It seems so hard and it doesn’t have to be. My heart goes out to you.
Post # 6
If it were me and I had the money (which I think you said you did…) I would get married, just the two of us in some exotic destination. Like in Paris or the Caribbean or something. Then I might have a party/reception back home.
It would bother me too much to go through with the traditional hometown wedding if my mom were going to be that negative the whole time.