Post # 1
Ok bees, I am a regular but I am embarrassed of the situation that I am in so I am in hiding. I know we are not supposed to do this but I need some advice and I don’t know where else to turn.
Last night I was in the master bedroom of our house, Fiance was in the computer room. I was wondering why he wasn’t in the bedroom with me relaxing so I got up and yelled out his name. I walked halfway down the hallway to the computer room and saw what he was doing. He was looking at dirty pictures on the internet. I said to him “What are you doing” and he responded with “Uhh um, looking at gamestop’s website” I was so shocked and upset that I didn’t say anything else to him and went to bed. I am 100% sure that he was looking at dirty images and not gamestop because there was a big picture of a woman’s private part on the side of the computer. I am certain that Gamestop would not have that picture on the side of the webpage.
Before people start calling me a prude, no I am not, I am ok with that kind of stuff. We actually have a few videos that we watch to get us in the mood. It just upset me so much that I was in the other room, watching cartoons and drinking chocolate milk (Yeah, I’m mature) while he was doing that. And what bothers me even more he lied to me about it. He knows I have extreme self confidence issues and he does this behind my back and then lies to me. This happened very early into our relationship and I told him that it makes me feel like he doesn’t want me that he thinks I am ugly and disgusting, that he would rather have those girls.
My parents are out of town so if I really want to I can go to my house at lunch pack a bag and stay there for a few nights without any questions. It is about an hour from my job but I am seriously considering it.
I know this is long so those of you who read the entire thing, thank you. I really need some advice and I don’t know where else to turn.
Post # 3
- Wedding: April 2011 - Sweet ceremony by the sea and sunset celebration on the North Shore of Hawaii
oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. I agree it’s totally insensitive for him to be checking out porn while you’re home. Would it be possible to sit him down and gently explain how you feel about it? He has to be feeling totally awkward, too. *big bee hugs* we’re here for you!
Post # 4
I wouldn’t go to your parents without talking to your Fiance about this. For all he knows he got away with it and things are fine. Boys in general are non-confrontational so I wouldn’t be too upset about his lying, he was probably just trying to avoid an argument. If you have a problem with him looking at porn (you say you are ok with that “stuff” but then go on to contradict yourself) then he needs to respect your feelings.
Post # 5
@Confused_Bee – I would try and talk to him about your feelings before leaving for a few nights. Try and work through it. Good luck!
Post # 6
you say you are ok with that “stuff” but then go on to contradict yourself
I’m sorry, I should have explained myself better. I have a problem when he does it behind my back and tries to hide it. I don’t mind watching it together.
Post # 7
I’m sorry. 🙁
I agree, definitely talk to him about it first!
Maybe he was embarrassed and that’s why he lied?
Post # 8
I have an ex who used to lie about porn. He would tell me he wasn’t “in the mood” yet found plenty of interest in what was on his computer screen. Turns out he lied about a lot of other things too…
I think the biggest issue that needs to be addressed is the lying. I understand he doesnt want to hurt your feelings but lying is not the answer to that.
I’m sorry this happened. I felt like a crazy person when it was happened to me because, like you, I really didnt mind…yet he lied no matter what. Even when i pulled up his internet history to prove he was being dishonest, he still swore up and down it wasnt him.
I know my Fiance looks sometimes and that’s fine. He is honest about a peek here and there when i’m out of town or when I am just being grumpy and not in the mood.
I suggest talking to him and laying the “no lying…EVER” ground rules now.
Post # 9
If anyone else would like to add their opinion that would be great. Thanks!
Post # 10
I think the issue you’re having isn’t that he looks at porn (really, the majority of men do), but that he was looking at porn when his beautiful flesh and blood fiancee was right down the hall and he could have been looking at the goods in real life! I think you’re hurt because he was choosing the porn over you. Most of us sort of assume that the porn is there for when our guys can’t get to us. Does that sound right?
If that’s the case, I think you need to talk to him. I wouldn’t go to your parents, because then you’re just walking away from the problem. I would sit down with him and calmly talk. Something like: Honey, I saw what you were looking at last night and I felt really hurt that you would rather look at that than be with me in real life. If you were in the mood, we could have watched something together and both enjoyed it!
See what he says. And go from there. I’m so sorry–I would be really upset as well. But I think you guys just need to talk and get on the same page. (((HUGS)))
Post # 11
- Wedding: July 2011 - Catholic Church, Lakeview Golf Resort and Spa
@Confused_Bee:I’m so sorry; that’s a tough situation. My ex used to go to the bathroom and *ahem* have some quality time with his iPhone while I was over. It hurt so much that he would look at that stuff rather than do something with his living, breathing, 3-Dimensional girlfriend.
I found some stuff on Mr. Biscuit’s computer and asked him not to look at that stuff. I’ve been hurt too much in the past by pornography, and happily, he understands. He probably still looks at stuff when I’m away on trips, but definitely never when I’m in the same darned house.
Post # 12
I dunno… do you guys have a good pop up blocker?
I’ve had it happen on occassion that naughty pics just randomly pop up from website, and yeah… it’s like a car accident, you can’t jut look away.
I would talk to him about it, and see what he says.
Post # 13
I’ve had this happen to me. He probably denied it because he was caught off guard and embarrased, I don’t have a problem with my fiance doing it b/c I do it myself and he knows that. However when I walked in on him he jumped up like he was 16 and his mom walked in haha I really just think it was nerves. You should talk to him maybe he can explain why? I felt like you with the whole “I don’t look like them so how could you want me” deal but after talking to my fiance about that he says no one looks like them and he wouldn’t want to be with someone in that profession. It’s all just a fantasy but your real and thats what matters. Ya know… he coulda just been trying to get himself in the mood for ya, anytime my fiance and I are watching a movie and even the slightest love scene comes on that’s all it takes… =)
You definitely should just ask him about it before leaving though, best of luck.
Post # 14
I agree he probably lied in a state of panic. I mean it’s not like he would respond, “Why honey! I am looking at a girl’s vajay on the interweb!”
I guess I am confused on what your policy is allowable and not allowable for him in terms of watching porn. Maybe since you said it was ok, he didn’t think he had to set boundaries & not do it while you’re there. Some guys just don’t get it unless you spell it out for them.
Don’t leave. Not over something like this. Talk to him about it, I don’t think this is something big enough to cause that kind of rift between you.
Good luck 🙂
Post # 15
i definitely understand why you’re upset… but i agree with @crystalrodz. you need to talk to him about what happened. leaving will not solve anything and may just make things worse. i definitely don’t think what he did was right – he flat out lied – but, i agree that maybe he was just caught off guard. you guys need to discuss your expectations (in terms of porn) so that everything is clear and this doesn’t happen again.
Post # 16
I would definitely talk to him about it.
My ex used to be really into porn and used to lie about it. I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was pregnant and had to go away on a course. I came back and found that it progressed into an adult friend finder site and he started looking at local women. It wasn’t good. We broke up for good when our son was 7 months old.