(Closed) What would you do?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011 - Sweet ceremony by the sea and sunset celebration on the North Shore of Hawaii

@Confused_Bee:

oh sweetie, I’m so sorry. I agree it’s totally insensitive for him to be checking out porn while you’re home. Would it be possible to sit him down and gently explain how you feel about it? He has to be feeling totally awkward, too. *big bee hugs* we’re here for you!

Post # 4
Member
5784 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

I wouldn’t go to your parents without talking to your Fiance about this. For all he knows he got away with it and things are fine. Boys in general are non-confrontational so I wouldn’t be too upset about his lying, he was probably just trying to avoid an argument. If you have a problem with him looking at porn (you say you are ok with that “stuff” but then go on to contradict yourself) then he needs to respect your feelings.

Post # 5
Member
2216 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@Confused_Bee – I would try and talk to him about your feelings before leaving for a few nights.  Try and work through it.  Good luck!

Post # 7
Member
3526 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I’m sorry. 🙁

I agree, definitely talk to him about it first!

Maybe he was embarrassed and that’s why he lied?

Post # 8
Member
274 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I have an ex who used to lie about porn.  He would tell me he wasn’t “in the mood” yet found plenty of interest in what was on his computer screen.  Turns out he lied about a lot of other things too… 

I think the biggest issue that needs to be addressed is the lying.  I understand he doesnt want to hurt your feelings but lying is not the answer to that.

I’m sorry this happened.  I felt like a crazy person when it was happened to me because, like you, I really didnt mind…yet he lied no matter what.  Even when i pulled up his internet history to prove he was being dishonest, he still swore up and down it wasnt him.  

I know my Fiance looks sometimes and that’s fine.  He is honest about a peek here and there when i’m out of town or when I am just being grumpy and not in the mood.

I suggest talking to him and laying the “no lying…EVER” ground rules now.

Post # 10
Member
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I think the issue you’re having isn’t that he looks at porn (really, the majority of men do), but that he was looking at porn when his beautiful flesh and blood fiancee was right down the hall and he could have been looking at the goods in real life!  I think you’re hurt because he was choosing the porn over you.  Most of us sort of assume that the porn is there for when our guys can’t get to us.  Does that sound right?

If that’s the case, I think you need to talk to him.  I wouldn’t go to your parents, because then you’re just walking away from the problem.  I would sit down with him and calmly talk.  Something like: Honey, I saw what you were looking at last night and I felt really hurt that you would rather look at that than be with me in real life.  If you were in the mood, we could have watched something together and both enjoyed it!  

See what he says.  And go from there.  I’m so sorry–I would be really upset as well.  But I think you guys just need to talk and get on the same page.  (((HUGS)))

Post # 11
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: July 2011 - Catholic Church, Lakeview Golf Resort and Spa

@Confused_Bee:I’m so sorry; that’s a tough situation.  My ex used to go to the bathroom and *ahem* have some quality time with his iPhone while I was over.  It hurt so much that he would look at that stuff rather than do something with his living, breathing, 3-Dimensional girlfriend.

I found some stuff on Mr. Biscuit’s computer and asked him not to look at that stuff.  I’ve been hurt too much in the past by pornography, and happily, he understands.  He probably still looks at stuff when I’m away on trips, but definitely never when I’m in the same darned house.

Post # 12
Member
9056 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

I dunno… do you guys have a good pop up blocker? 

I’ve had it happen on occassion that naughty pics just randomly pop up from website, and yeah… it’s like a car accident, you can’t jut look away. 

I would talk to him about it, and see what he says.

Post # 13
Member
10714 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

I’ve had this happen to me. He probably denied it because he was caught off guard and embarrased, I don’t have a problem with my fiance doing it b/c I do it myself and he knows that. However when I walked in on him he jumped up like he was 16 and his mom walked in haha I really just think it was nerves. You should talk to him maybe he can explain why? I felt like you with the whole “I don’t look like them so how could you want me” deal but after talking to my fiance about that he says no one looks like them and he wouldn’t want to be with someone in that profession. It’s all just a fantasy but your real and thats what matters. Ya know… he coulda just been trying to get himself in the mood for ya, anytime my fiance and I are watching a movie and even the slightest love scene comes on that’s all it takes… =) 

You definitely should just ask him about it before leaving though, best of luck.

Post # 14
Member
4313 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

I agree he probably lied in a state of panic.  I mean it’s not like he would respond, “Why honey!  I am looking at a girl’s vajay on the interweb!”

I guess I am confused on what your policy is allowable and not allowable for him in terms of watching porn.  Maybe since you said it was ok, he didn’t think he had to set boundaries & not do it while you’re there.  Some guys just don’t get it unless you spell it out for them.

Don’t leave.  Not over something like this.  Talk to him about it, I don’t think this is something big enough to cause that kind of rift between you.

 

Good luck 🙂

Post # 15
Member
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

i definitely understand why you’re upset… but i agree with @crystalrodz. you need to talk to him about what happened. leaving will not solve anything and may just make things worse. i definitely don’t think what he did was right – he flat out lied – but, i agree that maybe he was just caught off guard. you guys need to discuss your expectations (in terms of porn) so that everything is clear and this doesn’t happen again. 

Post # 16
Member
2161 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

I would definitely talk to him about it. 

 

My ex used to be really into porn and used to lie about it.  I didn’t realize how bad it was until I was pregnant and had to go away on a course.  I came back and found that it progressed into an adult friend finder site and he started looking at local women.   It wasn’t good.   We broke up for good when our son was 7 months old.

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