(Closed) What would you do?

posted 7 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
3671 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

I would honestly just talk to her about it.  I had a friend I wanted to be my bridesmaid and my wedding was about four hours from where she lived.  She had just had a baby and wasn’t back to work just yet.  It just wasn’t good for them financially to be driving there and back in one day or paying money to stay the night so she just talked to me one day about it and I understood completely.  

Edit: I agree with the below poster though that if you aren’t going because you just don’t like the spot, you should still go.  But if you honestly can’t afford it then you can’t afford it. 

Post # 4
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ams12: I would go because I already agreed. Not going because you don’t liked where she picked is wrong. It’s her wedding and it’s about supporting your friend on her day not where you are supporting her.

If you can’t afford it thats another situation. I would tell her now though. YOu don’t want to be the friend that waits and then makes her upset. (I think it’s normal that bm’s pay for the shower though)

Post # 6
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

@ams12: for the guests I totally agree. For an attendee it’s really about the friend entirely.  I’m saying this is what works for me. I had a friend get married in Mexico which is never a place that Darling Husband and I would chose to go.  However, she like you, asked me before she chose a place. Once I agreed I was all in regardless. Ya I had to listen to Darling Husband complain about it, but he understood. 

Post # 7
1506 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Personally I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t stretch my budget to go somewhere I didn’t want to go in the first place. Explain to your friend that you can’t afford to attend her wedding as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but would love to help out with the at home shower or reception. That way you’ll still be involved in some way.

Post # 8
2114 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

If you cant afford it – dont go 

I dont plan on picking my bridal party until I have decided whether or not I am having a destination wedding , for this exact reason. I dont want them to feel obligated because they already said “yes”

Post # 9
383 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Yeah I agree with one of the PP. That is a whole lot of money to kick out for somewhere you know you wont enjoy. Granted, it is about your friend first but I’m sure she will understand that you simply cant afford all of that. If you arent going to go though I suggest you still get all of the gifts and pitch in with the bridal shower just to show you do care and you will do what you can.

Post # 10
9029 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I would just be honest and tell her thats its all too expensive for you.

Post # 11
6019 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2017

@ams12:I do not think you should go. If you cannot afford it you cannot afford it. Period. And since they will be celebrating in different ways at home I think that would be enough.

I do think though that your reasoning should not have to do with where she chose. I do not think that whether or not the guestswedding party want to go there as a vacation should be a factor in the bride and groom’s decision making. And if it is, its completely possible you are the only ones who have been to aruba and did not like it. I do not think its up to them to please everyone else on their wedding day. But regardless of any of that, if you have the money and can go I would go, if not then dont. simple as that. But it would make me upset to hear my friend wasnt going to go and participate because the location i chose was not where they wanted to vacation at. I would not be upset though if my friend chose not to go and participate simply because it was not something they could do financially. stick with the money reason if you do decide to talk with her and pull out of the event.

Post # 12
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Who is even invited to this shower? If it’s a destination wedding to Aruba, I can’t imagine the guest list is that long. Only people invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. If you’re one of the hostesses, then you should absolutely follow this etiquette. 

I think you can tactfully back out. This isn’t driving 5 hours, wearing a $200 dress, and smiling pretty for a day. It’s international travel while you are pregnant. Just tell her you have second thoughts about money and being so far from home while pregnant. (Also, any bride who wants to travel to the Caribbean or other exotic destination has to understand when people drop out. Her day won’t be affected with one less bridesmaid.) 

Post # 13
463 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I don’t think I would go.  I would call her and graciously back out.  That is a lot of money on somewhere you don’t want to go plus she is having a party back home after. I would just attend the party.

Post # 14
255 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

I would just be honest with her, I wouldn’t go either, that is really expensive! I had a few bm’s who didn’t get me a wedding gift, I assume the expense of the shower, bach party and just all the wedding stuff, dress, shoes, hotel, etc. put them over the edge! I completely understand! Most people are really understanding about finances, I would sweat it, maybe just go the local party they are having and get them a gift?

Post # 15
764 posts
Busy bee

I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Life is too short for that. Prepare for her to be pissed when she hears you vacationed elsewhere, but she’ll get over it!


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