Post # 1
What would you do?
My friend just got engaged and asked me to be a bridesmaid. She was also a bridesmaid in my wedding. She did say that the wedding would be destination. Not overly ideal, but Darling Husband and I said we would use it as our vacation. We are also expecting in Nov and felt by the end of the summer it would be a good time to need an adult vacation. We were planning on doing a baby/family vacation as well. Maybe renting a house for the week at the beach or something.
However, my friend picked Aruba as the place of destination. Darling Husband and I just got back from there; we went to celebrate our 1 year. Now we went for 7 nights and paid $3300 all inclusive. We also decided we didn’t love Aruba and didn’t desire to ever go back, it was nice we went, we saw, we relaxed but wasn’t a lovable place that we felt we wanted to spend vacation money next time. So needless to say we were bummed to hear that she picked this place, so we decided we wouldn’t use it as our vacation spot and go for the day before the wedding and fly home the day after, so total of 3 nights. She also wants us to use her travel agent as I think she is getting her room comped if we do that, however, for 3 nights the travel agent wrote and gave me a price of $2900!! We were shocked! For 3 nights for that not even really enjoying it since I will be in the wedding and doing wedding related things!
Now more so, my friend also said the point of the destination was to be low key and not over the top, okay I get that, however I just got an invite for the engagement party so I obviously have to bring a gift, and then after talking with the other bridesmaid and the Maid/Matron of Honor I come to find out that the cost of the shower falls on us bridesmaid since his nor her family is contributing. More money there on top of a gift, then the bach party, and of course her wedding gift all on top of the cost of the destination wedding and the dresses and such. Then I find out she is having a HUGE party after the wedding as well.
I just don’t know what to do at this point, my Darling Husband and I really don’t think we can afford all this after having a new baby, and most likely I won’t be working by that point yet so we will be on 1 income, and we just feel that it’s a lot of money to go to a place we went already and didn’t love, but even if we didn’t, $3000 for 3 nights is isnane. I feel weird about having to reach out and remove myself from the wedding. I have looked on expedia and such and they don’t book out that far yet, but I’ve been doing it based off the month before, and it’s about $200 cheaper if we went through expedia, but even still it’s pricey.
What would you all do?
Post # 3
I would honestly just talk to her about it. I had a friend I wanted to be my bridesmaid and my wedding was about four hours from where she lived. She had just had a baby and wasn’t back to work just yet. It just wasn’t good for them financially to be driving there and back in one day or paying money to stay the night so she just talked to me one day about it and I understood completely.
Edit: I agree with the below poster though that if you aren’t going because you just don’t like the spot, you should still go. But if you honestly can’t afford it then you can’t afford it.
Post # 4
@ams12: I would go because I already agreed. Not going because you don’t liked where she picked is wrong. It’s her wedding and it’s about supporting your friend on her day not where you are supporting her.
If you can’t afford it thats another situation. I would tell her now though. YOu don’t want to be the friend that waits and then makes her upset. (I think it’s normal that bm’s pay for the shower though)
Post # 5
Thanks for the advice.
Mtwitter- I can understand your point that it’s where she picked, however, I disagree, when it’s a big cost factor and a lot of people use destinations weddings as their vacation. If you are having a destination wedding, I feel that is very expected that people will use that as their vacation, so yeah it should be a place where you want to take off a decent amount of days and put out a decent amout of money.
Post # 6
@ams12: for the guests I totally agree. For an attendee it’s really about the friend entirely. I’m saying this is what works for me. I had a friend get married in Mexico which is never a place that Darling Husband and I would chose to go. However, she like you, asked me before she chose a place. Once I agreed I was all in regardless. Ya I had to listen to Darling Husband complain about it, but he understood.
Post # 7
Personally I wouldn’t go. I wouldn’t stretch my budget to go somewhere I didn’t want to go in the first place. Explain to your friend that you can’t afford to attend her wedding as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, but would love to help out with the at home shower or reception. That way you’ll still be involved in some way.
Post # 8
If you cant afford it – dont go
I dont plan on picking my bridal party until I have decided whether or not I am having a destination wedding , for this exact reason. I dont want them to feel obligated because they already said “yes”
Post # 9
Yeah I agree with one of the PP. That is a whole lot of money to kick out for somewhere you know you wont enjoy. Granted, it is about your friend first but I’m sure she will understand that you simply cant afford all of that. If you arent going to go though I suggest you still get all of the gifts and pitch in with the bridal shower just to show you do care and you will do what you can.
Post # 10
I would just be honest and tell her thats its all too expensive for you.
Post # 11
@ams12:I do not think you should go. If you cannot afford it you cannot afford it. Period. And since they will be celebrating in different ways at home I think that would be enough.
I do think though that your reasoning should not have to do with where she chose. I do not think that whether or not the guestswedding party want to go there as a vacation should be a factor in the bride and groom’s decision making. And if it is, its completely possible you are the only ones who have been to aruba and did not like it. I do not think its up to them to please everyone else on their wedding day. But regardless of any of that, if you have the money and can go I would go, if not then dont. simple as that. But it would make me upset to hear my friend wasnt going to go and participate because the location i chose was not where they wanted to vacation at. I would not be upset though if my friend chose not to go and participate simply because it was not something they could do financially. stick with the money reason if you do decide to talk with her and pull out of the event.
Post # 12
Who is even invited to this shower? If it’s a destination wedding to Aruba, I can’t imagine the guest list is that long. Only people invited to the wedding should be invited to the shower. If you’re one of the hostesses, then you should absolutely follow this etiquette.
I think you can tactfully back out. This isn’t driving 5 hours, wearing a $200 dress, and smiling pretty for a day. It’s international travel while you are pregnant. Just tell her you have second thoughts about money and being so far from home while pregnant. (Also, any bride who wants to travel to the Caribbean or other exotic destination has to understand when people drop out. Her day won’t be affected with one less bridesmaid.)
Post # 13
I don’t think I would go. I would call her and graciously back out. That is a lot of money on somewhere you don’t want to go plus she is having a party back home after. I would just attend the party.
Post # 14
I would just be honest with her, I wouldn’t go either, that is really expensive! I had a few bm’s who didn’t get me a wedding gift, I assume the expense of the shower, bach party and just all the wedding stuff, dress, shoes, hotel, etc. put them over the edge! I completely understand! Most people are really understanding about finances, I would sweat it, maybe just go the local party they are having and get them a gift?
Post # 15
I wouldn’t go and I wouldn’t feel bad about it. Life is too short for that. Prepare for her to be pissed when she hears you vacationed elsewhere, but she’ll get over it!
Post # 16
Thanks all, great advice on many!
Well she is inviting a ton of people to the destination wedding and for those that aren’t able to attend she is inviting them to the big bash so she wanted all included in the shower. Her feeling is that she doesn’t have to pay for the food ( all inclusive) they only had to pay to rent out the same for the evening so she is going to invite who she would have had if she was having a wedding back home.
I’ve been a Bridesmaid or Best Man in a few weddings and never funded the entire shower as Bridesmaid or Best Man so that is why it’s a bit new to me and I made it very clear to my Bridesmaid or Best Man that they were not allowed to throw me a shower, I didn’t want them to have that expense to feel they had to throw a shower for everyone attending my wedding. I realize everyone is different though.
It’s not that we can’t afford it, we can only afford to go on 1 vacation, if we chose to go there then that is our vacation for the year. I didn’t think it was going to be $3000 for a few nights either, and that was my fault for assuming that we would pay less. I was just comparing it to what Darling Husband and I paid for 7 nights and didn’t think that for 3 nights it would be almost the same amount of what we paid then.