(Closed) what would you do?

posted 8 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
1763 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I wouldn’t marry them until they had resolved their feeling. I would never be someone’s runner up.

Post # 4
Member
5530 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France

Well, when I was with my ex he was def not over his ex. It caused a lot of problems between us and I left. I think if I were in another situation like this it would just rehash so many bad feelings that I would end the relationship. I want to be someone’s number one priority, nothing less

Post # 6
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

agreed.  I would never marry someone if I was feeling second best.  I wouldn’t even get engaged until I was sure I was his #1 love.  

Post # 7
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

@SparklyBride2011: +1

There would be no engagement, let alone a marriage if there were ANY lingering doubts about anything.

Post # 8
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

#1 – This was a huge problem with Fiance and I before we decided to start over again (the outcome of which was that we eventually got engaged) – not that he wanted his Ex, but dealing with the circumstances of their relationship and how she behaved. It created a very toxic relationship (I did my part to help that along). In retrospect, there were warning signs. I just didn’t recognize them. 

 

#2 – No. 

 

#3 – No. 

 

#4 – If he was willing to 100% invest in our relationship, I would insist on couples therapy.

Post # 9
Member
3218 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

@SparklyBride2011: Totally agree.  

I think it’s okay to worry sometimes– every once in a while I’ll do the insecure “what if he liked her, wouldn’t they be cute together” but it’s just my brain being silly. If I didn’t think an SO was over his ex, we’d be having a serious talk and I wouldn’t be committing to him unless there were big changes. 

Post # 10
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

OP, I’m assuming that this is part of a pretty big issue you’re trying to deal with. Have you and your Fiance discussed going to some kind of couples therapy? Even just to clear the air and help work out whether or not these are serious issues going forward. :

Post # 12
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

Are you referring to the ‘lovely ex-wife’ from your thread the other day? What makes you think he still has feelings for her?

Post # 13
Member
2853 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Just my $.02?

First of all… I do sometimes have moments where I think about an ex. It’s not a conscious “I wish I was with ____”. It’s just a thought or something that will creep into my head. And then I let it go. Despite this, I am being 100% honest when I say I am fully going forward with my Fiance, without a moment of doubt. I would not have agreed to marry him unless I was ready to do so. I turned him down once when I knew I was not.

Second, if your Fiance was married before… You have to accept the fact that is a relationship that’s part of him. Personally, I’d rather have a civil/friendly relationship between Fiance & Ex than a hostile ugly one. Do you really want to deal with that negativity? (Also, FWIW, I met one of his former serious girlfriends. We went to a Destination Wedding in Vegas for a mutual friend of theirs and spent 5-6 days together. It was fine.)

It sounds as if you’ve asked him exactly where things stand and he’s answered you, but you’re not OK with that. Decide what sort of actions would he need to take to convince you. Are they reasonable? Are they something you’re willing to ask/he’d be willing to do?  For example, do you have to see a hostile or distant relationship with ex to be convinced it’s over? I can’t see asking for that going well.

You have to decide if you trust him and what he’s saying, or if you don’t. 

Post # 14
Member
330 posts
Helper bee

I think I might be able to handle it if he had some lingering feelings over a recently ended relationship, provided I could be sure he had no interested in going back to her, and that he loved me and was committed to investing in our relationship & letting the past one go.

We can’t always control our feelings, and sometimes it takes years to fully get over a failed relationship, but I don’t think you have to wait until that process is 100% done before starting something with someone new. But hopefully it’s mostly done.

 

ETA: However, addressing your other questions, I don’t think it matters who ended the prior relationship, but I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I felt that I was the 2nd best that he was settling for.

Post # 16
Member
484 posts
Helper bee

@tlr: As for photo on the tack board, I doubt that means that he has feelings for her. As a compromise, though, maybe from now on pictures of her should be confined to the kids’ room, especially as it was their request?

Him being friendly with her doesn’t mean he has romantic feelings for her. My recent ex is a friend of my SO, so whenever I see him in social situations (not very often, but still) I am always friendly with him. I love my SO more than anything and I have no romantic feelings for my ex whatsoever.

Also, him taking responsibility for their split shows emotional maturity on his part, and again is not necessarily a sign that he has feelings for her. It could simply mean that he acknowledges his mistakes and will try not to make the same mistakes with you.

They have been separated for 4 years and keep in regular touch and see in each other at family events. If they had wanted to get back together, it probably would have happened by now.

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