Post # 1
what would you do if you thought your SO wasn’t completely over his ex?
Do you find it a little scary being with a man who’s ex left him?
Ever worry that maybe is where it heart is but you are his second choice if he can’t have her?
and how would you feel if you married someone and later found out they were still in love their ex but settled for you instead?
Just curious on your thoughts..
Post # 3
I wouldn’t marry them until they had resolved their feeling. I would never be someone’s runner up.
Post # 4
- Wedding: December 2019 - Paris, France
Well, when I was with my ex he was def not over his ex. It caused a lot of problems between us and I left. I think if I were in another situation like this it would just rehash so many bad feelings that I would end the relationship. I want to be someone’s number one priority, nothing less
Post # 5
Post # 6
agreed. I would never marry someone if I was feeling second best. I wouldn’t even get engaged until I was sure I was his #1 love.
Post # 7
There would be no engagement, let alone a marriage if there were ANY lingering doubts about anything.
Post # 8
#1 – This was a huge problem with Fiance and I before we decided to start over again (the outcome of which was that we eventually got engaged) – not that he wanted his Ex, but dealing with the circumstances of their relationship and how she behaved. It created a very toxic relationship (I did my part to help that along). In retrospect, there were warning signs. I just didn’t recognize them.
#2 – No.
#3 – No.
#4 – If he was willing to 100% invest in our relationship, I would insist on couples therapy.
Post # 9
@SparklyBride2011: Totally agree.
I think it’s okay to worry sometimes– every once in a while I’ll do the insecure “what if he liked her, wouldn’t they be cute together” but it’s just my brain being silly. If I didn’t think an SO was over his ex, we’d be having a serious talk and I wouldn’t be committing to him unless there were big changes.
Post # 10
OP, I’m assuming that this is part of a pretty big issue you’re trying to deal with. Have you and your Fiance discussed going to some kind of couples therapy? Even just to clear the air and help work out whether or not these are serious issues going forward. :
Post # 11
hard to tell sometimes though. People tend to say all the right things.
how do you decide what is a normal healthy ex relationship especially when they have kids or does he secretly still have feelings for his ex.
do any of you still have feelings for your ex?
as time passes I can totally tell my SO is very much in love with me especially as of lately. we are now talking about marriage and part of my brain still nags.. is he with you because he can’t have her?
I’m probably paranoid. but I am older and have numerous relationships. I have never been with anyone so friendly with his ex. including until recently alway defender her and her actions.
He says there is nothing behind that he just happens to share the same views as her. (lovely they are so in sync!!)
just thinking my way through all of it and looking for your thoughts 🙂
Post # 12
Are you referring to the ‘lovely ex-wife’ from your thread the other day? What makes you think he still has feelings for her?
Post # 13
Just my $.02?
First of all… I do sometimes have moments where I think about an ex. It’s not a conscious “I wish I was with ____”. It’s just a thought or something that will creep into my head. And then I let it go. Despite this, I am being 100% honest when I say I am fully going forward with my Fiance, without a moment of doubt. I would not have agreed to marry him unless I was ready to do so. I turned him down once when I knew I was not.
Second, if your Fiance was married before… You have to accept the fact that is a relationship that’s part of him. Personally, I’d rather have a civil/friendly relationship between Fiance & Ex than a hostile ugly one. Do you really want to deal with that negativity? (Also, FWIW, I met one of his former serious girlfriends. We went to a Destination Wedding in Vegas for a mutual friend of theirs and spent 5-6 days together. It was fine.)
It sounds as if you’ve asked him exactly where things stand and he’s answered you, but you’re not OK with that. Decide what sort of actions would he need to take to convince you. Are they reasonable? Are they something you’re willing to ask/he’d be willing to do? For example, do you have to see a hostile or distant relationship with ex to be convinced it’s over? I can’t see asking for that going well.
You have to decide if you trust him and what he’s saying, or if you don’t.
Post # 14
I think I might be able to handle it if he had some lingering feelings over a recently ended relationship, provided I could be sure he had no interested in going back to her, and that he loved me and was committed to investing in our relationship & letting the past one go.
We can’t always control our feelings, and sometimes it takes years to fully get over a failed relationship, but I don’t think you have to wait until that process is 100% done before starting something with someone new. But hopefully it’s mostly done.
ETA: However, addressing your other questions, I don’t think it matters who ended the prior relationship, but I wouldn’t be able to handle it if I felt that I was the 2nd best that he was settling for.
Post # 15
@BellsforHer:Yes. He’s been amazing loving lately. Just getting more serious so think I’m blabbering & little nervous. One failed marriage is more than enough for me.
Im sure I’m being silly. Things Ive experienced since we have been together are
They have been seperated 4 years.
Her picture hung up on a tack board. ( it was covered with papers, he said his kids asked to hang it & he never thought much of it)
She was calling him almost every other day (kids stuff non stop) & reminding him kid things
He thought it wasn’t a big deal. Gently got her to stop doing it do much without her knowing. Just kind of brushing her off
Very friendly with her. Make jokes about her cooking etc.
Always taking her side & coming to her defense ( once his mom said I feel like I can’t ask to to see the kids on her days. I said that’s too bad. They need to spend time with everyone & he jumped in & said its her choice. Like I didn’t know. He says they just happen to share the same view point.
I finally asked him to remove her pictures from the computer a year ago. He did
And awhile ago when I asked. Why they split up he said he was controlling & she is really nice & a people pleaser who didn’t communicate when things bothered her. He can never say anything bad about her.
She is nice ( to our face anyway) super nice to him
He is great with me but I have this nagging gut feeling. It’s definately getting better. Just wanted some thoughts. Helps me work through some stuff. 🙂
Post # 16
@tlr: As for photo on the tack board, I doubt that means that he has feelings for her. As a compromise, though, maybe from now on pictures of her should be confined to the kids’ room, especially as it was their request?
Him being friendly with her doesn’t mean he has romantic feelings for her. My recent ex is a friend of my SO, so whenever I see him in social situations (not very often, but still) I am always friendly with him. I love my SO more than anything and I have no romantic feelings for my ex whatsoever.
Also, him taking responsibility for their split shows emotional maturity on his part, and again is not necessarily a sign that he has feelings for her. It could simply mean that he acknowledges his mistakes and will try not to make the same mistakes with you.
They have been separated for 4 years and keep in regular touch and see in each other at family events. If they had wanted to get back together, it probably would have happened by now.