(Closed) What would you do?

posted 7 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should he come?
    No way. : (0 votes)
    Yes, but don't have him in the big photo otherwise it'll be a stinker when you look back on the day : (1 votes)
    100 %
    Yes, it's a small detail on the day : (0 votes)
    The more the merrier! : (0 votes)
  • Post # 3
    Member
    199 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: April 2011

    I’ll never understand why people think it’s ok to bring people that weren’t invited! If it is really bothering you, you can talk to them directly that you cannot accomodate the extra person, but if you think it is going to cause more problems then it is worth then just let him come. I think it is more akward having him not in the photot then if he was there but it is your wedding and your the phone that has to look at the photo’s so do what you think will be the best. Good luck!

    Post # 4
    Member
    7403 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    That is annoying. But when you say big group photo do you mean one of all your guests? If so of course you can’t single him out. That would be rude. If you mean family pics, that may be another story. You could have him stand out at first and then wave him over so that way you two sets of photos to choose from. Since this is a family friend and all. Urgghh guests really suck sometimes.

    Post # 5
    Member
    1213 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Why do people do this?

    I’d be firm. The invites were non-transferable. The Mother and Son are welcome to attend, and as you unfortunately cannot accommodate the cousin due to financial/space reasons. Therefore you suggest he use the trip to town to check out the tourist sites/see a movie/stay at the hotel.

    If a grown man can’t entertain himself for a day then there is something wrong.

    Post # 6
    Member
    497 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

    This happened to me too!  Although it irked me as only a very limited number of people were invited to the ceremony & meal because of money, I let it slide and it didn’t actually bother me on the day.

    Post # 7
    Member
    3265 posts
    Sugar bee

    I take this as a consequence of your overly early RSVP deadline. If you had followed a more traditional timeline they may have had a different RSVP since they then would have known this person would be in town. But when you ask too early there are bound to be changes.

    That said it is rude of them to bring an uninvited guest to your function and you would be within the guidelines of etiquette to let them know you cannot accomodate their guest.

    I’d probably let it slide though since plane tickets have been bought. Losing hundreds of dollars would probably cause a huge rift.

    Post # 9
    Member
    319 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: January 2012

    Totally rude, but there’s not much you can do with people who insist on being rude unfortunately.

    I think you’re handling it the right way, bite the bullet, let him come. Think about it this way, if they had RSVP’d for three and you assumed it was the original three and he showed up you would have no chance to deny him, so at least you have warning? Or something.

    Post # 10
    Member
    4136 posts
    Honey bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    He shouldn’t come but I’ve no idea how to tell them.  Maybe say you’d only expected two and it’s now too late for catering.  Perhaps add that he wasn’t invited!!!

    ETA: just read your update, you’re too nice 🙂

    Post # 11
    Member
    7173 posts
    Busy Beekeeper

    That close to the wedding, I’d just let him come.  You really aren’t going to notice him (well, you WILL notice him, but what you’ll notice is the guests you actually invited having a good time with him).  There is so much going on during the wedding and the random people you don’t know (like people on FI’s list that you might have met once, etc) all blend in to happy people that are sharing in your joy.

    I had to come to grips with my whacky guest list (like my late 40’s single friend inviting her 80 year old mother as her date) – uh, not what i had in mind…. BUT – Darling Husband pointed out that these people are there to celebrate with us, but in reality, they are having fun with the people they are around (not necessarily us).  I wanted my guests to enjoy themselves and if it meant inviting the random date instead of who I specified, then sobeit.

    It’s annoying they responded with 2 instead of the 3 you invited – but probably figured it was ok since you originally invited 3.

    Sorry you are dealing with this – I hope your RSVP’s and seating chart are all squared away soon!

    As for photos – if the random person gets in one – just make sure you have your photo list and get some without him.  It’s not rude to ask for the combinations you want AT ALL!

    Post # 12
    Member
    5494 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2011

    this happened to us soooo many times.  People took our wedding as an excuse to visit CA/US and just booked themselves tickets from Germany, Russia, etc and then told us they were coming.  One person who was invited showed up at the airport with an uninvited guest!  And it wasn’t a last minute decision.  She had to get a visa to come to the US.  She just didn’t bother to tell us.   UM, YOU WEREN’T INVITED!  I was pissed but there was nothing we could really do.  

    In the end I will say, that none of that put a damper on our day.  The people I didn’t know or weren’t invited I don’t even remember from our wedding day.  I was too focused on the people who were important.  And the people I did know, (distant relatives), well, it was nice to get back in touch with them and build our relationship.  So I guess i’m saying, that it’s really not a big deal in the end and really does work out.  So just try not to let it get to you now and just go with it.

    Post # 13
    Member
    175 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: October 2011

    I think you and your fiance’s approach is best – no reason to split hairs and cause awkward hurt feelings over this.  I’d still shove them at a table in the back though ….. just because I could.

    Post # 14
    Member
    3220 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: February 2012

    It’s funny because my gut instinct is NO WAY, but SO’s cousin has an exchange student who came to thanksgiving this year– they all stayed at a hotel and it wasn’t a surprise, though.  The girl was so much fun and we had a great time talking to her and teaching her some customs– I’d be delighted if she came to my wedding. 

    If the exchange student is a long-term deal, they become sort of like a surrogate family member, I feel like it would be rude of me if I didn’t invite her. 

    (Of course, your extended family is rude in other ways– I’d expect an RSVP and a clear head-count much earlier.)

    Post # 15
    Member
    6 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    It is completely rude and inconsiderate, but on the overall I dont think you should stress it. Move a couple you like more “up” to their table and move them down. I havn’t done my seating chart yet so I cant say how much of a pain it is to move it all around, but I think I would still have the MOG or a bridesmaids you can fully express your feelings to, talk to the family who is bringing the extra person to express the inconvienance. But, dont let it consume you because overall it will not ruin your day. Just ask the person to be the one taking the picture that way he/she is not in the pictures! 🙂

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