(Closed) what would you do?

posted 7 years ago in Intimacy
Post # 3
Member
46600 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It is unacceptable for either partner to have a problem that is interfering with the relationship and refuse to do something about it. Tell him to get to his family doctor asap to rule out any physical problem, or initiate treatment for depression if the doctor thinks that is appropriate.

I am sorry that you find yourself in the position of loving this man who is unable or uninterested in showing physical affection. I’m afraid this would be a deal breaker for me- not necessarily the lack of physical attention, but the refusal to do anything about it.

Post # 5
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@ticatica I don’t know the background but I have had similar issues with my fi in the past. I’ve had to really stress how mcuh it was bothering me before he would talk about it. My Fi was was happy to hug and kiss and always said he loved me but the intimacy just sort of stopped.

Men can and do compact their lives in to areas that they can/can’t cope with and if he’s stressed/upset about work or family or money or anything in between the first thing to go is his sex drive, epecially if you say he’s had depression in the past.

FWIW I don’t think it’s something to leave him over just yet, but you need to keep being persistant about how much this is affecting you.

Post # 7
Member
174 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

@ticatica You need to ask yourself a few questions:

has it always been like this? If you were hot and heavy at the beginning then you know he is capable of having a sex drive.

Does he ever get more sexual when he’s had a drink? If he does then chances are he’s nervous and unsure of himself.

Do you ever make a move on him? What is his response when you do? If he shrugs you off with I’m tired or not in the mood or ‘later’ then he’s got something on his mind that is blocking his libido.

You are going to be married and there will be times when you need to discuss things that don’t sit very comfortably with either of you. You need to be vocal and honest with him, but also reassuring. Something like “I love you very much and I think you are the most wonderful person in the world, and being with you makes me feel happy and being close and intimate with you is so important to me, I know something isn’t right here and I’d like to talk about it so we can work out how to move forward with this. Maybe not this minute but when you’re ready can we talk about this please?”

Post # 9
Member
13096 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would work with him to figure out and del with this issue.  This is certainy not something I would leave a loving Fiance over.

You say he’s been depressed and I can tell you first hand that depression can wreck havoc on one’s sex drive.  Maybe getting him treatment for that will help move things in a better direction.

You also may have to accept that, no matter what, you will have a greater sex drive than him.  There is nothing wrong with that.  It may just mean you need to please yourself sometimes when he isn’t in the mood.

Post # 11
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@ticatica:  my Fiance is similar, in that he has low sex drive, and doesn’t want it as much as i do, and sometimes when i suggest it he says he is too tired, etc. when he rejects me i feel like i’m not good enough, that i am not desirable to him. i don’t know if you feel this way but if you do, you are not alone! I have depression also and it hasn’t affected my sex drive at all, but other areas it has.

He may feel that he is not capable of pleasing you sexually, he may feel uncomfortable with his body or being uncomfortable naked, perhaps try to tell him and show him how much you desire him as much as you can, and explain how you feel when he doesn’t want sex. That alone may help without needing blood tests.

I agree he needs to get help for his depression, it is absolutely treatable. What he needs from you is unconditional support and love, depression is something really difficult to go through, and not just for him, for both of you. Make sure he knows you will always be there for him, and that you love him for who he is.

I do not advise leaving him over this. Good luck!

Post # 13
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@ticatica:  i am sorry that he has ignored it ๐Ÿ™ perhaps ask him if he received it?

Post # 14
Member
1798 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

@ticatica:  I think it’s a bad sign that he won’t even talk about it with you. Many men have trouble discussing these problems, but he should see that it’s impacting you and WANT to fix it. You mentioned earlier that he has a history of depression, has he been showing any other symptoms recently? Low sex drive and no motivation to seek help or make a change can be part of depression. If you’ve seen other depression or think it may be depression, I suggest approaching this from that angle rather than the sex angle. Talk to him about getting checked for depression and/or going to counseling. Maybe even bring in a trusted friend or family member that already knows his history with depression.

Regardless of whether he’s depressed, I think you’ll have better luck if the tone of the conversation is “I love you as you are, but I want you to be the best that you can be” instead of “You’re not meeting my needs sexually”

Post # 16
Member
9667 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

@ticatica:  i am so glad he has been open with you now, best of luck! ๐Ÿ™‚

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