(Closed) What would you do? ( a little long)

posted 8 years ago in Money
Post # 3
1854 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2009

I would drop it… They can spend their money on whatever they want; if they don’t want to help for the wedding, they shouldn’t be pressured into it. However, this also means for them that when you need to make difficult choices when inviting people to events, they might not be the first ones in the guest list and that’s that. It’s nice when you get offered financial help for your wedding, but it shouldn’t be expected either.

Post # 4
7975 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I wouldn’t say a complete bitch, no. ๐Ÿ™‚

To be honest though, money is such a sticky situation. They’re not really obligated to give you guys anything, even though they are his parents. A lot of families are unable or choose not to contribute towards the cost of a wedding – despite what tradition dictates.

The benefit is that, like you already experienced with the dinner your aunt is hosting, although they can make requests, you’re under no obligation to them.

I can sort of see the mentality of not chipping in, if it were to be a smaller amount, like $700. In the face of the thousands most of us spend on our weddings, $700 might not feel ilke a lot… but at the same time, as soon as you have more hands in the pot, more opinions come in. Then there’s potential for the “Well, we contributed more than you” argument, which might lead to bitterness on the part of those who were only able to contribue less. I tend to overanalyze, but I can tell you – if this were my family, that would be a very potentially possible scenario, enough that some family members wouldn’t be willing to chip in at all in fear of it.

Or it could just be that their budget is for a new tv, and not for a wedding or rehearsal dinner. Either way, ultimately it’s their money and they can choose how to spend it.

Post # 5
1403 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I want to say a couple harsh things directed to both sides of this situation…

Just because you’re getting married doesn’t make you entitled to any of FI’s parent’s money.  Yeah it seems messed up that they prioritize a new TV over their son’s wedding, but who are you to pass judgment?

BUT if they aren’t contributing any money to your wedding, then they also don’t get to contribute any opinions either.  Just as you shouldn’t tell them how to spend their $680, they shouldn’t tell you (or your aunt) how to spend your wedding funds.  For example, you can tell them that if they want FI’s family invited to the shower, they can foot the bill for the added head count.  My parents are actually doing the same thing so they can invite a few extra guests to the reception that I’m paying for.

And no, you’re not a bitch.  ๐Ÿ™‚  Hopefully your FI’s parents will come to realize that they need to contribute money if they want to contribute opinions.

Post # 6
435 posts
Helper bee

I’m sure it’s upsetting, but no one has the right to someone else’s money.  Money can cause all sorts of emtional feelings but I’d let it go.

Post # 7
179 posts
Blushing bee

You can’t expect FI’s family to contribute money. It’s rather unfair to judge people based on their financial situation. Maybe FI’s family needed a new TV, who knows?  (which isn’t true).

The best thing to do is try your best to get past it. No sense in guilting FI’s family for the next year b/c they aren’t giving money (nothing can change that). FI’s familly doesn’t get to influence the decisions much. Try your best to not hold it against them. If you continue to be resentful… you’re going to be miserable dealing with them for the rest of your life! ๐Ÿ™‚

Post # 8
1135 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2009

I understand how you’re feeling, because every once in a while I find feelings of annoyance gurgling up when I think about the fact that my mom and stepdad aren’t contributing a single cent to my wedding but just blew through the $150k my grandparents left them, putting nothing in savings and leaving nothing for their kids.  But it goes away pretty quickly because as two people getting married, the only money we can count on is our own.  Anything else is a gift that we should be grateful for and surprised to receive.  If your Future In-Laws don’t want to contribute to your wedding, that’s okay, you shouldn’t expect them to.  And you can’t be mad when they choose to spend their money on things that they want for themselves.  I’m sorry you’re upset, but I really hope you let this one go!  Good luck! 

Post # 9
5262 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2012

Parents don’t have to pay for weddings. It’s easy to fall into a trap of “but they said they didn’t have enough money and they’re buying x, y and z.” but the bottom line is it’s their money – they don’t owe anything towards your wedding. 

I was the same way when I first went off to college. My parents agreed to chip in half of my rent for my first year, and then after I had signed a lease changed their minds and told me I had to pay for everything. I thought it was so unfair that they were looking for a new house, going on vacation, etc, and not helping me out. But you know what? It wasn’t. I was 18, and even though it was hard as hell to be slammed with things like electric bills, etc that I had never considered before, it helped me grow up and learn to live frugally. It also made me realize that I was selfish for assuming that they should help, or that they owed me anything. 

The caveat that I would have in your case is that you do have the right to pull the “we can’t afford it” card – if they have issues with the guest list, the food, etc, it’s totally your right to say no. 

Post # 10
1739 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

i dont think any side of the parents are obligated to pay or help with the wedding. if they want to help that should come from them. i think you should forget about what they havent gave you or in what they are spending their money. you are getting yourself more stress. you dont want to put pressure or give out hints because that can make them angry and at the end they will always be your inlaws. good luck

Post # 11
2889 posts
Sugar bee

I think you better drop it. You don’t know how long they saved up for that TV and, quite honestly, that’s not a super expensive TV these days. It’s not like they bought a $2000 TV. Any way you look at it, thy have every right to do whatever they want with their money. On the same token, you can spend your own $$ however you want.

Post # 12
1023 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

Wait, so are parents supposed to spend nothing but what is required for necessities to give their grown children money to spend on whatever they choose? I’m sorry if I seem harsh, but its their money and they can spend it anyway they want to. Nobody owes you anything. Your wedding is important, but almost none of what’s expensive about it is necessary (minus the actual costs to apply for a wedding license).

Her wondering about if her family would be invited to the shower sounds harmless to me. Why shouldn’t she wonder if she’s invited to her fdil’s wedding related events?

Again I don’t think you are a b*tch, just caught up in things.

Post # 13
1756 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

My Future In-Laws are struggling financially, to the point where they might lose their house and have to declare bankruptcy. And it’s not due to the current economic situation – this dates way back and is thanks to years worth of financial irresponsibility. Needless to say, they are not contributing anything to our wedding, nor are my parents (who are both deceased). Plus, not only are my fiance and I paying for everything, but it will also very likely be necessary for us to pay for FIL’s transportation and hotel, so they can attend the wedding.

While extra money would be appreciated, it’s a trade off I’m willing to make – Not accepting any outside funds means that no one gets to tell us how they think it should be done. And while they might make requests when it comes to the guest list, the final say is 100% up to us.

In your situation, I’d just continue to handle it the same way, by explaining that there are things you simply cannot afford. Just like you don’t appreciate it when they have expectations when they’re unwilling to help, I don’t think it’s fair to expect that they should contribute.

Post # 14
3 posts
  • Wedding: May 2010

I disagree with every post here. I would be upset if they dropped money on a TV instead of my wedding. If they can afford to give (which it seems like they can) then they should. I think it should be their social obligation to do so and I think they are selfish not to.

You obviously can’t dictate what they do with their money (otherwise you would have it for the rehearsal dinner) but they can’t dictate that you feel hurt by the fact that they would rather watch HD then host your future family and friends. 

Post # 15
400 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I agree with the majority of the posters here, their money is their money.  And paying for someone elses wedding (be it their child or not) is not a must.  It’s a want to or can afford to. 

Post # 16
5778 posts
Bee Keeper

Wow. I don’t think you should have any say in how they spend their money,or why you feel entitled to it? How do you know his parents aren’t paying it off over the next few years as many people do?  I can’t understand why you would expect anyone to contribute to your wedding other than you and your Fiance. Could that be why his parents haven’t given it a thought,believing that you both should be financially capable of handling the event yourselves? 

I’d be less likely to offer any help financially if I thought it was expected of me. I could see my SIL acting strangely when we were getting a new car a few months before their wedding, and was furious at the thought that he might be wondering if that wasn’t money we could give them instead. I was right..he did casually mention something about it to my daughter and she was just as angry. I love having someone reaching in my pocket telling me what to do with my money. ๐Ÿ™

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