(Closed) What would you do? Another anxious “waiter”…

posted 9 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Does he know that if you guys plan on being married “within 2 years” that you need “x amount of time” to plan? How serious have you discussed getting married? Do you get that weird vibe from him? Frankly, tell him so. After 8 years you should be brutally honest!

I literally had to sit down with Darling Husband and say “ok…here’s our life. You’re coming back from Iraq HERE and you are out of the Army HERE and I graduate HERE”….when do you see us getting married?” And he said “oh uh after I’m out” and I said “no way jose” and we agreed on summer or fall 2009. We figured he’d get back from IRaq around January. He said “oh great i have time to propose!” and I said “WHAAAT I need a year. Don’t be foolish” then laid out WHY i need a year to plan a wedding. So he proposed in May 2008. He really just had no clue. Then we figured out what we’d be able to spend on it (since we did it ourselves) and set a cap. 

Sometimes they are just clueless. And maybe he does feel like he should graduate first–ohterwise that could be super stressful! i think he deserves to know you feel so strongly about this. You have to have “that talk” with him. I literally told Darling Husband i’d walk if he wasn’t serious enough to propose…i told him why the H should I sit around patiently while he’s deployed *just hoping* he decides to ask me to marry him? Your guy needs some perspective! Your perspective =]

Post # 4
Member
206 posts
Helper bee

I would talk to him and make sure he understands what you expect.  I honestly dont think there is anything wrong with you letting him know that you are both 28, have been together and committed for a very long time and that you are ready and willing to move into the next chapter of your lives together.  If he doesnt respond how you would like or continues to stall, perhaps it is time to think about what and where you both are going and if it will be together. I dont think you are being unreasonable at all.

Post # 5
Member
58 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I have been there, Sister!  My Fiance and I had our first date in April of 2000, and are tying the knot this December – Almost 10 years later.  We met in college, and moved across the country together after we’d only been together a year, so we weren’t ready to get hitched just yet.

Around the 3 year mark I started getting itchy, but I was still in gradschool, and he was about to start his Masters.  He made it abundantly clear that he wanted to wait until after he graduated.  I thought I would burst.  Friends who had been dating for a fraction of the time we had were getting married left and right. 

By the time he did graduate, I thought I was going to go insane. I spent that year thinking any special occasion could be the one.  Trip to Santa Barbara, ringless.  Weekend away to Pasadena, nope.  About a year after he graduated, one day he said we should look at rings.  So we did.  Then a friend recommended a jeweler, he says we should see the jeweler together.  So we did.  And we “picked out a ring” last July.  Days turned to weeks turned to months, but finally, that October, he totally surprised me and popped the question with an amazing speech about the time we spent waiting. 

Now that I’m 3 mths to the wedding, I really don’t care about that time spent waiting.  We’ve both grown up together over the past 10 years, and I can say without a doubt, we’re the only ones for each other.  Had I gotten married even a few years ago, I can’t say that I’d have planned a wedding I would have loved looking back on.  But now, thanks to awesome wedding blogs like Wedding Bee, I feel really prepared.  And what was a mandatory event has become a complete celebration. 

Here’s what I think – boys are as loving as they are lame.  While I didn’t get why my guy wanted to wait, now, I’m really glad we did.  Weddings go by so fast, and then they’re over.  Our time together was no less valid or loving before the ring, and he’s the one for me.

So I guess it’s with your gut.  I’m not a fan of ultimatums, but if you’re not sure he’s the one, then don’t spend your time waiting for him.  That said, I’d take my guy over my ring any day of the week.

Best of Luck!

 

Post # 8
Member
1573 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

trust your gut, you will know if the feeling is right to wait or if he’s just making excuses

Post # 9
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I think it’s perfectly reasonable to expect to graduate first. But, when he says these things, do you just let it slide or do you press him at all? Maybe he thinks you are perfectly satisfied! Sometimes you have to make them talk a little. Call him out on it. I need to practice what I preach a little more. But I tend to say, “what do you mean?” when I am not 100% satisfied with the answer

Post # 10
Member
11325 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

I agree with ejs4y8. You need to have a real talk with him. I know that so many people think it ruins the romance or surprise or whatever. But let’s be real, you’ve been together 8 years, you’re 28, you need some answers. There is nothing less romantic about having a mutual discussion and deciding to get married than having some grand surprise gesture, in my book anyways. I know it’s a hard thing to bring up because we’re taught to believe that we don’t want to be THAT girl who pushes a guy into a marriage… but there is a way to do it. Get a time line. Make sure he knows the consequenses of his decisions– not ultimatums. But consequences. Because all things DO have consequences, and knowing the outcome of potential decisions can sometimes help one decide what path to take. 🙂

Post # 11
Member
2408 posts
Buzzing bee

you’ve got some very sound advice already! i’d be prepared to talk timelines and let him know what i was expecting. that way you both know what the deal is going in, especially since you dedicated all this time together already! sure it’s not exactly the most romantic discussion you could have but we don’t live in fairy tales so it’s a necessary discussion. knowledge is power. good luck!

Post # 12
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2010

My boyfriend has recently begun to talk about ‘our’ wedding often- where, how many people, suits, etc. It makes me uncomfortable talking about it when we’re not engaged, so I told him when you propose I’ll give you a binder that will answer all your questions!! 😉

To tell you the truth, I’m starting to get impatient. We looked at rings in May…nothing. I think I’m going to give him until December and then pull out the timelines. It’s just all so frustrating!

Post # 13
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

Do you want to have a big wedding?  If you were open to a smaller wedding (either a small outdoor barbeque or a city hall wedding), that could take care of the second issue where he’s nervous about spending money on one day!

Post # 14
Member
2342 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Good advice from tiny bride!  She kinda puts it in perspective!  My BFF waited 13 yrs for her ring (we’re both 29 yrs old).  Granted we were in high school when they dated, then college, then stepping into the real world, they just got ready now (13 yrs later) to be engaged! She’s got lots of patience, I know!!  But, she always told me that she would never bug her man about it because she knew (and He knew) that in the end they would be together, ring or no ring!  She she got hers this past May and now were planning a wedding together!!

Sometimes guys have a pride issue with themselves that they have to be the one to make more money or they have to be financial ready.  So maybe the school thing is one of those.  He might want to finish grrad scool first before stepping into another big thing, like engagment and wedding plans.  So I would just say let him graduated first, then after that its open season to start buggin the h*ll out of him!!

Post # 15
Member
967 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

My fiance and I have been together seven years, and just got engaged a month ago. Granted, we were young (18) when started dating, but I was feeling pretty impatient!! I think it’s good to let him finish school – that’s what we wanted to do. Once he graduates he should be thinking about the next step – and if he’s been with you for eight years, obviously you have something good going 🙂 best wishes!!

Post # 16
Member
790 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I feel your pain. Men in particular want to be the financial provider. Being that he is in school he probably doesn’t have the extra money to save for the ring that he knows you deserve. I agree that this situation requires a discussion about the future and a set timeline as un-romantic as that may be. But also realize that he will want to be able to fulfill his perceived role as “husband” which it sounds like in his eyes also requires him to be done with school and working. I do believe he is moving in that direction. Have a little faith, this is easier said than done. Take care of you

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