(Closed) What would you do? Awkward situation.

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
2285 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: Central Park

All you have is a second hand account, the other coworker could be wrong. I would stay out of it. 

Post # 18
Member
3771 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: December 1999

I wouldn’t say anything, but I would no longer drink with him either.

Post # 19
Member
2780 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

You do nothing, this knowledge came second hand, maybe it was a lie Kerry came up with, in the hopes you would be an ally to help prevent him from joining you all for drinks. Maybe Amy lied to Kerry about it, you don’t know, and have no way to prove it. 

For all you know it was said simply to have you keep your distance from him, maybe they felt you were getting too friendly towards him, who knows. 

Leave it be.

Post # 20
Member
3621 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I agree with all the bees who say keep out of it. It’s not confirmed and it’s none of your business.

Post # 21
Member
213 posts
Helper bee

You do nothing, You stay out of it, unless it happens in front of you.  I know this from experience.  My fiance has been verbally/mentally/emotionally abusive in the past when he drank too much.  He didnt even realize he was doing it until it was too late.  As in, its already so far gone by the time he realizes it, he doesnt stop.  I have had friends in the past talk him down when they have saw it.  I usually have left at that point, after throwing my ring back at him. 

We have worked through this and he is consiously aware of it now and watched what he drinks.  He knows that there wont be a next time with me.  Thankfully he realized it, before it was too late. 

Amy will have to make her decisions one day herself.  No one else can help her or Jason.  They are the adults.  They are the one that have got themselves in this situation.  (Not meaning to sound so harsh)

Post # 23
Member
8036 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2013

@Sarahbear:  Do not get involved. It could end up costing you your career. Stranger things have happened… you do not want this guy mad at you.

For all you know, he might not even hit her. People tell lies for various reasons.

Unless you see him getting really sloshed and make a joke like “dude, if you party like this with your new coworkers, what do you do on your own time?!” then I’d just keep your mouth shut.

 

Post # 24
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@Sarahbear:   Your heart is in the right place!  Domestic violence is a horrible problem everywhere.  If SHE comes to you for help, be there for her.  But you haven’t witnessed anything violent happening and you’ve only heard a second-hand report, that may or may not be true.  You can only do something if you know something is a fact.

Post # 25
Member
7642 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

It’s not your business to tell him not to drink. But, I think you should have a one on one chat with Kerry, and tell her she should urge Amy to move out.

Nannying the abusive boyfriend is not the right way to help Amy.

Post # 26
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

@Sunfire:  exactly this – him finding out you know, will only make him more upset with Amy.  He will then probably go home and hit her for telling Kerry or think she’s telling everyone because you know.

Post # 27
Member
81 posts
Worker bee

OP, your heart is in a good place but DONT say anything to him or even hint. I was in an abusive relationship 2 years ago, when he found out that i told someone who later spoke to him it made things worse. he ended up being controlling and had people spy on me -my every move , i had to take my cell phone with me all times and notify him when i was going to the toilet and kitchen etc. everything just got worse even the beatings and he made me sleep on the chair, sometimes on the floor, at times on the bed without the blankets on and asked me how i want to be hit -either with a belt or with an open hand. i was staying at my college residence so we had a communal bathroom and kitchen. it will make things worse for the gf and make him hit her more and ‘punish’ her for making him seem like a monster. rather be friends with her and give her emotional and social support and if they are in great danger -her and the child- you can let some authority know but she must be aware of this and have a plan B. jsut dont push her to leave or do something, let her take her time and be there for her until she is strong enough to leave and stand on her own without him. just help in building her up emotionally because she is probably broken and confused and feeling alone.

Post # 28
Member
2390 posts
Buzzing bee

 I wouldn’t get involved, but if you’re uncomfortable with his behavior, just stop drinking with him.

Post # 29
Member
1384 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2014

I agree with everyone else- stay out of it. If he’s really so abusive then it is his girlfriends duty to report him and leave him. Your co-worker is wrong for telling you as that is something you don’t go telling people. His girlfriend and your coworker abviously haven’t taken any action so it is not your responsibility to. Imagine if you did something and he came after you? Or what if your cowoker exagerrated? Either way, not your problem. Hope they all get help and so sorry you’re in such a weird position.

Post # 30
Member
1900 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@Utopia4us:  I totally agree – exposure to domestic violence is a form of child abuse. It can be incredibly damaging for a child to witness one of their parents being abused, nearly as damaging as the child themselves being abused! I think you should make a report to your local child protection agency to let them know. They may not do anything about it (where I live, CP is so overworked, they only respond to multiple serious reports).

You could try reducing the drinking without saying anything – just find an activity in your area that people from your work enjoy (bowling, laser tag, etc.) or even go out for coffee. You don’t need to say anything to him to cut back on how much he drinks with you.

Post # 31
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2012

@LadyElva:   You cannot make a report to Child Protective Services unless you have personally witnessed, seen or heard, domestic violence occuring, firsthand.  !!

She has no way of knowing if this story is even TRUE!  It is a second-hand story.  The person who told her hasn’t even witnessed the violence herself, so it’s really even third-hand gossip. Good grief.  What if this person is mistaken and he is innocent?  Or, what if he is violent and finds out people are gossiping about him and snaps and commits further violence?

DO NOT MAKE A REPORT TO CPS!  STAY OUT OF IT UNLESS AND UNTIL THE WOMAN (THE POTENTIAL VICTIM) COMES TO YOU PERSONALLY AND TELLS YOU HE COMMITTED A VIOLENT ACT TO HER OR THEIR CHILD.

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