(Closed) What would you do? Discuss it or hold my tongue?

posted 7 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I’m in quite a different situation, but I’ll throw my two cents in anyway.

My SO and I talk constantly about our engagement and pending wedding. We’ve actually begun to get some of the planning done so we can begin to save. In my opinion, if you want to be really surprised, you should hold your tongue, but if you don’t mind, then talk to him. I personally didn’t mind knowing that it was coming, I know my SO will find an amazing way to surprise me even though I know what ring I’m getting and that I am getting it.

Post # 4
7695 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2010

@KJM2013: have you guys ever had a conversation about a timeline? Have you talked about marriage in general, do you know that he wants to get married? Have you talked about having kids in the future and how long you would like to be married for before that?

I think if you haven’t talked about those things, bring it up! He is an adult, he can handle that conversation!

Post # 5
1664 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I think it’s important to be on the same page.  A lot of people get used to the status quo.  He could be thinking within the next few years, when you are thinking much sooner than that.  I think you need to talk about timeframes for getting married.

Post # 6
4126 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I think you should at least tell him this is how you feel, especially if it’s starting to effect other aspects of your life.  That you don’t want the “When are you getting engaged” questions being asked again and again.  And that watching everyone else getting engaged has started to bug you.  Just ask when it’s likely to happen.  He might say “not until after such and such” (if you’ve got life goals to complete – promotion, financial security, etc).  You might find he feels the same too.

Post # 8
1723 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@KJM2013:  I would bring it up!  You can ask for a general time without ruining the surprise.  I can’t stand not knowing things and asking eased a lot of my anxiety.

Post # 9
488 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I would bring it up… even if it’s just by subtle “hinting”.  I still have no idea when P is going to propose to me, but I know he is 🙂  It does NOT make you a bad girlfriend by bringing it up, and if you are happy, why not want to move the relationship along.


Good luck! 🙂  

Post # 10
4046 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

If it is starting to affect your moods, then I would have a discussion with him about a timeline and planning for the future. Maybe he is interpreting the fact that you always hold your tongue as a sign of something. It’s better to just talk about it and find out if you are on the same page.

Also try not to worry too much about other people and their weddings, engagements and plans. Everyone is ready at their own time. You may be way ahead in some department just not in the engagement department…it’s really hard to compare yourself to others without feeling bad! Best not to go down this road if you can.

Post # 11
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Its affecting you – so definately bring it up! How can he know how you are feeling about marriage if you do not tell him? I don’t think you will be ruining any surprises and you certainly wont be pressuring him. I firmly believe I am within my rights to talk to him about our future because it is OUR future!

Post # 12
316 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

@CupcakeLove: I agree, you have nothing to lose by having a timeline discussion. It wouldn’t ruin the surprise, and I think it’s best to have open communication about these things especially if it’s affecting your mood. You can tell him you’re looking forward to spending your life with him and ask him if he has a vague timeline without putting too much pressure on. That would also reassure him of how you’re feeling.

Post # 13
1526 posts
Bumble bee

I’d bring it up and ask for a general idea….like a 3-6 month range of around when it will take place. (between November and January for example). As long as you do it without getting extremely emotionally and just be straight forward and honest, then he’ll more than likely respond and understand.

Post # 15
273 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

I was in the same situation!  I finally broke down and asked him if I was going to have to wait more than 6 months and he said no!  The crazy has definitely died down some and I am again enjoying my waiting time because I know it can’t be that much longer!  The only thing I wish that I had done differently is asked if it was in the next 4 months instead of 6!

Post # 16
4887 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I think you should be honest with him and say that you’d like to be ______ (married, pregnant, engaged, an astronaut) by ________ (day, month, year, aeon).  It’s not ruining anything by giving him YOUR timeline. 

I don’t understand why some women just wait and wait – an engagement and marriage is about TWO people deciding that they’d like to get married, and when.  Not one silently waiting on the other to make a move, ya know?

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