What would you do? – FI texting women

posted 2 years ago in Emotional
Post # 136
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

“I didn’t tell you I am an axe murderer because I knew you’d be upset with me!”

See how ridiculous that is? It doesn’t excuse anything. It doesn’t explain anything. It doesn’t make anything better. It just means that he did something he knew would upset you AND ALSO lied to you.  Doing something shitty doesn’t give you a pass to then lie about it, and they sure as hell don’t cancel each other out.

Post # 137
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

 

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ttw16 :  ““I didn’t tell you I am an axe murderer because I knew you’d be upset with me!”

LOL! I love your analogy! I never thought of it that way but it makes a lot of sense.

Post # 138
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

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queenie8119 :  haha, thanks! I’ve always HATED when people try to use that as an excuse for lying. As if it somehow makes the lie BETTER that it was about something that they did to upset you in the first place?

It also tries to place the blame for the lie on the person who was lied to – like well I KNEW you’d be upset and now look YOU ARE! So I was right to lie!

Dude… I’m upset because you did a shitty thing, and I’m also upset because you lied to me. If you just told me the truth in the first place I would only be upset about one thing and not two. And if you want me to not be upset, step one is to stop acting like an asshole. 

Post # 139
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

Right way to keep your fiance from getting upset: don’t do upsetting things. 

Wrong way to keep your fiance from getting upset: do upsetting things and then lie to her about it. 

Post # 140
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - Racine, WI

Lots of helpful advice on this! And it will help you hang in there for now. But ultimately I believe counseling/therapy would be most what you need. Definitely no baby, no engagment pictures, nothing “future” planned till this is sorted out. And have an exit strategy you can put in place if you need to.

I have been married now five years in October. We have a little boy who is three. My situation was similar … but seemed worse. I tried working things out with him on my own. We were already married at that point, and had our baby before I found out – so there were definitely reasons for me to take a good hard look at whether I should give it up, or reconcile – if he made things right.

We have been in couple’s counseling for almost a year. Things have been improving not just with getting those issues resolved, but our relationship as a whole. I decided to give him the chance, and seek counseling for my own conscience’s sake – to know I tried everything I could before I left.

Why counseling? Because you need insight from other people outside your situation – you realize that, that’s why you’re on the forum posting this. Because you need someone else to see it and fight for you; you’re emotionally exhausted. I was. And it is hard to fight for your relationship and fight for yourself and try to convince your partner he needs to fight for you! Having the counselor to do that gets better responses and helps you know you’re not alone.

While your fiance doesn’t seem to have done as much, this is what you know about. Make sure it doesn’t go any deeper. And yeah I would get the confession – whole confession – all at once. In pieces over time is not the way to go.

When it came to me, I decided since I had doubts whether to stay or leave I would take every other step that came first to reconcile for my own peace of mind. (The problem was when he started to follow through not being resentful at my own choice to give him that chance). It’s not easy. I’ve been in your shoes. I got the lying “Because I was trying to protect you,” “Because I didn’t want to hurt you,” “Because it wasn’t a big deal – means nothing.” If she’s not a big deal, then you should be more important and he should let her go.

Everyone has the capacity to mess up, to do wrong. The people we love the most we are most often hurt by, because we make ourselves most vulnerable and trust them. He chose to use his capacity to hurt you this way. And it’s your choice what to do about it. If you don’t know what you want to do, explore that in counseling. Give it time while you see what happens. You can make a decision to work on it, to see if he will work on it, without saying yes or no to the relationship right now. In fact right now is not the best time to make decisions of that nature.

My spouse also right away after confessing – when I confronted him and told him to come clean – volunteered to give me everything and leave my life. Guys sometimes want you to stay and be happy and shut up, or for separation to occur. I chose a different alternative – counseling, see if it’s worthwhile, and work on it. Then I chose to stay as long as progress was being made, and so long as nothing else happened after we’d gotten professional help.

For right now, take care of yourself. Have a plan in place you could leave – that means you are keeping your options open and have alternatives, which make you feel more confident and you know you’re making the decision whether to leave or stay based on other things than the house.

It’s not too late to leave. But it’s not too late to fix this and build your forever with him either (provided this is not a fatal character flaw, which counseling can help determine). Oh – and he should be the one to pay for counseling.

Post # 141
Member
9 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2020 - Racine, WI

One other thing – I made the big mistake of reaching out to my family for emotional support. Let them know you’re going through a tough time, the two of you are going through some stuff. Be general. Be vague. Leave the specifics to unbiased other people who won’t hate him if you decide to reconcile and he decides to make it’s right. You might forgive him – they won’t. It seems absolutely necessary for sanity and support at the time – after all, the person you’re closest to you can’t even trust – but if you do end up spending forever with him, you want your family to be nicely naive.

Post # 142
Member
1639 posts
Bumble bee

Yeah. So ALL lies are made with the intent of avoiding conflict. It is a way to hide unacceptable behavior. 

It is a way, to put your needs or desires, above or ahead of.what is acceptable. And deceiving  one into believing otherwise. 

So basically he said he is a liar, and will do what he wants until he gets caught. Because he knows what he is doing will hurt you, and chooses to carryon, redgardless. He is a self-absorbed LOSER with no moral compass. No integrity. 

Post # 143
Member
756 posts
Busy bee

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ttw16 :  
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queenie8119 :  +1000  All of this

View original reply
ttw16 : “Dude… I’m upset because you did a shitty thing, and I’m also upset because you lied to me. If you just told me the truth in the first place I would only be upset about one thing and not two. And if you want me to not be upset, step one is to stop acting like an asshole.”

This hits the nail on the head. Lie to me and we’ve got a problem on our hands. Blame your lies on some character flaw of mine that made you lie to me  now we have two problems on our hands- and depending on the nature of the lie, the second problem is probably pissing me off even more than the original problem. 

Post # 144
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

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crustyoldbee :  🙌🏼 amen!

So he’s actually done 3 things wrong: 1) he behaved inappropriately with multiple women, despite knowing it would upset his partner. 2) he lied to his partner about that behavior. 3) he blamed his partner for his own lie. 

Thank you, next. 

Post # 145
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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ttw16 :  Excellent recap.

I also just can’t get over the fact that the woman your fi was talking to HEARD HIM LIE ABOUT HER to you during their phone call. Like that takes the betrayal to another level imo. 

Post # 146
Member
289 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

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tiffanybruiser :  right??

OP, I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I know you’re hurting right now and it is NOT your fault. Don’t let him gaslight you into thinking you caused any of this, or that your feelings of betrayal and hurt are invalid. 

Post # 147
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

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CaliforniaLovin :  You asked, “What would you do?” so I’ll answer that. 

I would desperately want all of this to be a bad dream and to move on but I know I wouldn’t be able to. I believe that people with nothing to hide, hide nothing. It looks very bad that he was hiding them in the first place and only a deceptive, sleazy person would answer the phone and pretend they didn’t know who the caller was. 

I spent 12 years dating a liar and I didn’t even know the half of it until after I finally broke up with him. I may be more sensitive to this than most, but I need an honest person. Anyone who lies to me to misrepresent who they are, what they’re doing and what they’re about has no place in my life. I would constantly wonder and life is too short and too long for that.

Post # 148
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee

..? What happened with this?

Post # 149
Member
10219 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

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two_pounds :  

You raise a good point.  There is something of an iceberg effect with liars.  As in, initially, you only see the top one third that is above the surface.  It’s the hidden two thirds below that causes all of the real destruction.

Post # 150
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

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ttw16 :  “Dude… I’m upset because you did a shitty thing, and I’m also upset because you lied to me. If you just told me the truth in the first place I would only be upset about one thing and not two. And if you want me to not be upset, step one is to stop acting like an asshole.”

I like everything about this paragraph!

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