What would you do? – FI texting women

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

CaliforniaLovin :  I wouldn’t dick around with going through his phone together. My guess is he’s already pretty good at covering his trail. Probably he met these women on Tinder or something similar and he’s just been good about deleting the app. He is probably on high alert too about being caught after that phone call you witnessed so that makes it even less likely you’d find something incriminating right now.

Post # 49
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

CaliforniaLovin :  Just take it one step at a time bee. You don’t have to decide right now what you’ll do if it turns out he’s guilty of x, y, or z. Right now just focus on getting through the confrontation, and in sticking to what you know…that he lied about the phone call, which makes you question what else he’s hiding.

Post # 51
Member
515 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry. I’ve been there. Trust your gut and DO NOT be afraid to leave if indeed this guy turns out to be what it sounds like he is. There are good, decent, loyal people out there who understand boundaries within an exclusive relationship. 

Post # 52
Member
240 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

OK I just came on here to say that gaining the trust back will be SUPER hard even if it was just texting. I went through this with my now husband when we just started dating and we were 18 lol… I would check his phone constantly, ask him who he was texting and it just took a lot out of me looking back… if it happened now I’d probably have to walk away because it consumed me back then. To gain my trust he was super open with his phone, I had all his passwords, could see whatever I wanted when I wanted but who wants to do that? It was a lot. It took me years to fully get over it and I think the worry didn’t fully stop until after he proposed which was 3 years after the incidents..it was a lot. I told him the other day if I hadn’t been young and in love we probably wouldn’t be together now because the woman I am now wouldn’t have stood for all that bullshit.

Post # 53
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

Oh man. Am I just naive? This doesn’t sound that bad to me. Bee, there  are women out there who will just send a man their photos. 

I don’t see anything wrong here except the lie and hiding – that part is weird for certain. 

But you’ve worked yourself into a four-alarm Fire and you don’t have the facts yet. 

There could be a reasonable explanation. 

Bees tend to jump to “he’s already cheating. Leave him.” but that’s people’s own experience coloring their reactions. 

Just breathe and ask him as if there’s a reasonable explanation  – don’t go in all defenses up, and shooting all cannons. 

Post # 54
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

I’m really sorry you are going through this, Bee.

spend some thins thinking about what you want from your discussion with your husband tonight. This will help you figure out what to say and ask.

You may want to start by telling him about the objective situation when he received the call and things seemed odd. Tell him how that made you feel. You are going to need to confess looking through his phone so that you can ask about what you saw. Try to be calm and collected. Ask how he met these women, why he has been doing this, how many, how long. The most important question is why.

he may fixate on your snooping, so be prepared for this. Say that you know it was wrong but you were scared for your relationship ship and love him, and needed to know what was going on. If the incident hasn’t happened you wouldn’t have been snooping. Take the conversation back to his actions. You can even say “I apologize for my behaviour and we will talk about this later, but for right now the issue is your actions.”

try not to be accusatory- in a previous post you suggested confronting him with a statement like “I know you are seeing other women” – that won’t start any kind of conversation and you don’t actually know this. Try to keep calm and get him talking.

Your mind has jumped to infidelity, but you don’t have any oil proof of this. Try to breathe and stay calm as you find out the facts. Maybe there is nothing serious going on, and the first woman was an old colleague… maybe there is more to it.

only you can decide if you can get past this, but if you are going to try, I would definiuask your husband to join you in couples counselling. I would also recommend you go to private sessions for yourself.

good luck Bee!

Post # 55
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ahsoka :  I don’t see anything wrong here except the lie and hiding.

Those are pretty big wrongs though no?

Post # 56
Member
662 posts
Busy bee

tiffanybruiser :  pretty big, but it also depends on the man and the situation. If someone he rarely talks to who is getting in touch but he’s keeping her at arms’ length called right then, and he didn’t want to explain it, I could see someone saying “eh it was no one.”

the only thing that makes me really think this might be a thing is that he answered his phone and said “who is this” in a weird voice. That’s a pretty damn big red flag, it’s true. 

 

I just think being prepared is one thing, but going in with all guns firing may not be the best plan 

Post # 57
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I agree with other posters, don’t go in guns blazing.  That being said, if you want full disclosure from him, you should be willing to fess up about all the snooping.  I’m not sure I would have gone that far without talking to him first.  You’re marrying this person, if you don’t trust him to tell you the truth in a conversation, then I’m wondering if there are some larger issues at play here.  I’m not saying that there’s not some suspicious activity going on but the level of sleuthing you have gone through is extreme and it’s going to be a bumpy road coming back from this after you have the conversation.  I hope all goes well.

Post # 58
Member
7851 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

ahsoka :  I agree she shouldn’t go in guns blazing…just stick to the facts.

tomandrachael :   You’re marrying this person, if you don’t trust him to tell you the truth in a conversation, then I’m wondering if there are some larger issues at play here.

The larger issue at play is that he’s behaving super sketchy, lying to her face about phone calls with strange women who have sent him selfies. She already gave him a chance to fess up when she asked him who the call was from – and he lied. So, trust went out the window when he lied to her. She says she’s never snooped in the four years they’ve been together; nothing like this has ever happened before. I think it’s wrong to turn this around on her like she is the one with unwarranted trust issues, like the problem is her snooping as opposed to his lying.

It’s easy to tell someone “if you have to snoop the relatioship is already over,” but when you’re actually in that situation it’s a lot more complicated. I doubt most people who take such a hard line on snooping would follow their own advice if they were actually in that situation. Would you really walk away from a four year relationship with a man you love and who’d never given you reason to doubt him before over a hunch? Or would you investigate further to try to find some evidence?

Post # 60
Member
317 posts
Helper bee

CaliforniaLovin :  

sounds like you are being level headed. I would want to talk to him about it too (as per my earlier post); there are red flags, but this could turn out to be the catalyst for some important  conversations that make your relationship even stronger.  How he reacts will give you a good indication of how serious this is, and you can get the answers you need to inform your next steps (such as counselling).

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