What would you do? – FI texting women

posted 3 months ago in Emotional
Post # 61
Member
10594 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

CaliforniaLovin :  

Oh, Bee.  If only I had a dollar for every time I read I really don’t think he would physically cheat.

Post # 62
Member
518 posts
Busy bee

Even it turns out to be “just” inappropriate texting… I’d be out. That’s a character issue, folks – and sonething he would need to resolve with intensive individual therapy.

 Your time, loyalty and love are worth more than that kind of crap. I went through the same thing – my ex-husband who I would have bet a million bucks was true blue was “connecting” with multiple women via text, email, social media, etc. It very often stems from a self-worth issue and has zero to do with you. I could not live like that – wondering what he was doing every time he picked up his phone. Life is too damn short. Love *yourself* as much as you love this man. 

Post # 64
Member
11974 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I would consider approaching it in a way that implies you know even more than you do, giving him the opportunity to tell you everything. I’d say that you knew something was off with the phone call, know he lied and have since become aware of much more. Which is all true. I wouldn’t even tell him how you know at this point. You are going to give him one chance and only one chance to tell you the whole truth. 

Physical or not, none of this sounds good. 

Post # 65
Member
373 posts
Helper bee

CaliforniaLovin :  How long till he comes home and you have a talk? This thread is turning my stomach into knots so I cannot imagine how you must feel. I am like you, in an argument or a chat that may lead to an argument, I may know facts or know things are one way, but its difficult to corner people who are more ‘glib’ with words.

Dont get pushed around by a verbally superior person, I know its hard but remember just because he can argue better it doesnt make him right, you could still have a point and you should calmly stick to it. Good luck.

Post # 67
Member
4697 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2017

ahsoka :  yeah. A reasonable explanation for having texts convos and phone calls with other women, sending selfies. “She’s just a friend”.  Reasonable enough for you? Ridiculous. I hate it when people make excuses for shady behavior.

OP, here’s a question for you. If you had your own home, or were able get and afford a home for yourself big enough for your dogs, would you be handling this differently? Seems as though the fear of not having a home for the dogs is what is holding you back and likely to make you stay even if he turned out to have cheated.

Post # 68
Member
667 posts
Busy bee

lifeisbeeutiful :  hm, I didn’t see the part where it said he sent anything. 

Post # 70
Member
2093 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: March 2017

This just doesn’t sound right. I’d definitely confront him and ask him WTH is happening. I doubt he’ll be honest, but it’s worth seeing if he’ll admit the truth. This all sounds shady and I think you are just seeing the tip of the iceberg. 

Post # 73
Member
824 posts
Busy bee

I know it’s hard to be calm and level headed when emotions are high, but this is still the approach I’d at least attempt. I agree with tiffanybruiser : , I wouldn’t sit down and go through his phone together, he could have hidden/ deleted stuff and this would give you false assurance- especially when you’re in a very vulnerable frame of mind and would truly love there to be some rational, plausible explanation. 

I wouldn’t outright accuse him of cheating though, I would look directly and seriously at him and say simply “I need you to tell me what’s going on and it’s extremely important to our relationship that I get honesty from you.” 

It sounds as though you have difficulty dealing with confrontation, so don’t further stress yourself out imagining what you will/ might/ won’t do in various scenarios. Just focus on getting through this talk and then you can deal with how he reacted/ what his explanation was/ how believable he was and go from there. One step at a time.  

Post # 74
Member
1060 posts
Bumble bee

I am so sorry you are dealing with this. 

Some years ago, my boyfriend of 5 years had a friendship with this coworker of his. There wasn’t anything that stood out about it. Then one day I was at his home and he had a post-it note from his coworker. It just said hi or something like that on it, but I KNEW. Why did she write that? Why did he keep it? I looked at his computer history, and though I couldn’t tell much, I could see that they had been emailing together. I called him up and confronted him about it. He told me some story that had half the facts. I finally contacted her and got more facts. I still don’t know everything that happened. He cried and begged me to go to counseling with him. I did. 6 months later he dumped me out of the blue. He tried dating that coworker, but it didn’t work out. I guess he bought her a bunch of things and it turned out she was using him or something. 

So I read a story like yours and it sounds familiar to me. I came away from that experience realizing that once you lose trust like that, the relationship as it currently stands is over. That doesn’t mean that you can’t move past a situation like this, it can even make your relationship stronger, but that depends on a whole lot of things. 

First of all, the health of this relationship depends primarily on your fiance now, on his response to your confrontation. Is he generally honest? Think hard about that. I would have said my ex was honest, but after thinking about it a bit I would remember small instances where I caught him in a lie. He also had issues communicating with me, especially about anything negative. He always wanted to whitewash and make everything ok without dealing with the messiness of life. If your fiance is generally honest and willing to communicate with you, it’s a good start. If not, it’s better to cut your ties now because the relationship is over. 

Second, how he responds to your confrontation is key. If he holds anything back, if he is less than completely honest, if he tries to blame you, if he doesn’t suggest doing some really hard work on earning your trust back, your relationship is essentially over. There’s just no way to come back from that. 

Third, I don’t think he should get to betray and lie and get to keep the cushy life he had with you. The relationship is broken and it should look broken. This shouldn’t be something sneakily hidden. One of you needs to move out while you are working on repairing the relationship. Otherwise it is too likely that you both will fall into old habits and the work won’t be done. It is too easy to pretend everything is fine because this is a painful situation that everyone has a vested interest in making go away, but it won’t go away. It will resurface again and again. The initial reason he reached out to other women won’t get resolved. Trust issues won’t get resolved. You might end up in the same situation again, you might end up pushing him away or doing something to hurt him back. If it’s going to work, it’s going to take work. 

Most of all, as painful as it is for you right now, I hope you can recognize the moment where it’s clear that the relationship is over. It’s not just about this moment – it’s about whether this is a bad situation that you can both come back from, or an inherent character flaw that you can’t. Even if he isn’t cheating, he’s being deceptive, and that’s reason enough to know that his intentions aren’t innocent. Don’t lose sight of that. Excuses feel better in the moment but they will be the death of you both. Good luck. 

Post # 75
Member
10594 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

CaliforniaLovin :  

The only thing you can do is talk to him, Bee.  Is a relationship in which you find yourself having to become a super sleuth really a happy place to be?

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