What would you do? – FI texting women

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 76
Member
2525 posts
Sugar bee

As far as snooping through his phone, once he showed he was capable of deceiving you, all bets were off. Don’t feel bad for it. Your snooping is nowhere near the level of his deceit and you were pushed to it for answers since you weren’t getting honest ones from him. 

I also agree with open ended questions. Ask him what is going on, tell him you need complete honesty, and listen. The more information you give him about what you know, the more likely it is that he will hold something back. 

Post # 77
Member
6165 posts
Bee Keeper

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ahsoka :  At the risk of being stabbed with virtual pitchforks, I tend to agree with you on this – this is too much too soon. I don’t think defcon 5 is called for at this point. Yes, he lied about the caller, and that is not a good sign, but people do lie for reasons other than cheating.

You need to be cold and methodical when you lay it out. Do not give in to your emotion at this point because you want to be able to discern if he is being honest with you. You want to be able to gauge his reaction – his entire reaction, body signals, vocal signals, everything there is to observe. As someone who has been lied to by patients in the course of my work, I believe you can tell when people are being evasive. I can certainly tell with my husband because I know him well, although his evasiveness is more on the order of not wanting to to tell me he already booked another hunting trip. 

It is true that some people are better liars than others, but the fact that you were able to detect there was something off with that phone call leads me to believe he is not one of the better liars and that you are perceptive.. It basically comes down to relying on your intuition, and I believe very strongly that we should do that more often, rather than listening to others who have had experiences of their own which have colored their views.

With that in mind, feel free to ignore this advice if your intuition feels it’s wrong. 

Post # 78
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee

I know you said you’ve searched his phone and don’t see apps, but have you checked his computer and phone browser history? He could still have access to dating sites without apps. 

Post # 79
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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browneyedgirl24 :  Good point. Also, he could be using incognito mode on his phone/computer to use the dating sites.

This is why I wouldn’t bother going through the phone together and also wouldn’t be reassured at not finding anything super incriminating. It’s so easy for people to cover their tracks these days and unless you’re super tech savvy I wouldn’t trust your ability to uncover everything.

What it comes down to is that without trust, you have nothing. Right now you don’t have trust because you have already caught him in one lie. Whether or not the trust can be salvaged remains to be seen, but the first step is the confrontation.

Post # 80
Member
2775 posts
Sugar bee

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tiffanybruiser :  Totally agree — no amount of “proof” will cut it once the trust has been destroyed.

Unfortunately there are so many ways you can contact people these days that lack of proof doesn’t mean much. And there’s nothing to suggest they didn’t meet in person initially, either – it’s not like no one cheated before dating sites. It’s worth checking the most likely offenders in case he got sloppy, but if he’s smart he would have deleted everything already (if a digital trail existed at all). 

Post # 81
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Have you slept yet? I really recommend a nap if you can possibly sleep.

We all know good morning text and new hair texts arnt something you text your guy friends or friend coworker. Talk to him.The point of having information is not to tell him what you know, but to know if he is lying to you. Who is this number? How did you meet? When did you start talking? You just have to figure out what to do today,  nothing permanent. 

This isn’t a you problem, you are in no way deficient, this is a him problem. We want there to be an explanation, what he isn’t getting that he needs else where, what can we fix. But in my experience it’s a him problem. It has nothing to do with you or your relationship.

You deserve the world bee, you are braver than you think. 

Post # 82
Member
4790 posts
Honey bee

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browneyedgirl24 :  not to mention apps that are designed to hide as innocent apps. 

Plus, if he has an android and she has an iPhone, she wouldn’t know where to look. There are lots of places you can hide things on an android.

Post # 85
Member
7268 posts
Busy Beekeeper

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CaliforniaLovin :  I feel like my body is amping up for battle but is also strangely calm. I have no desire to cry or scream. I just want to know and decide what to do next. 

This is a good place to be. I’d say it’s self preservation kicking in. You’re going to be okay no matter what happens. Just remember that. 

Post # 86
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

You seem very level headed and rational! Good job keeping calm!

He did DO something. He is texting and calling other women. That for me is enough I don’t care if they have been physically intimate. Our relationship is obviously not respected and valued. If it wasn’t a big deal and was an old friend when she called he would have told you who it was. In four years you would have heard of her.

The, is this picture new, I haven’t seen it comment is weird. Where does he see all her photos? I know there are apps that have hidden folders for photos that require a password but I have no idea how they work. 

Post # 87
Member
13930 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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CaliforniaLovin :  “ I can approach it like that. But I would still have to admit to looking at his phone when i bring up the other woman who’s also texting him.”

Even if that’s true, he doesn’t have to know that the phone is the only or original source of your info. Maybe you spoke to these women or one of them or someone else called you. Maybe you tracked him. 

Regardless, he should operate under the assumption that you know whatever there is to know, without the opportunity for phone calls, texts or damage control. 

The fact that the woman on the other end knew he was hiding the call from you is huge. If it was an old friend or girlfriend does he have any reason to think you’d be upset? 

Consider yourself lucky you discovered this before you were married. Good luck. 

Post # 89
Member
1235 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

That’s good just omit, you have a relationship with this person, just cut that sentence out. If you say that instead of focusing on the rest he will just defend the accusation or question, how do you know, and turn it around on you rather than addressing all the rest of the situation. 

You need to get him talking and not reveal what you know. Bring up that day that something felt wrong. That you know he wasn’t being honest about not knowing who it was and you need him to tell you everything if there’s a chance to work this out. 

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