What would you do? – FI texting women

posted 5 months ago in Emotional
Post # 106
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

 

CaliforniaLovin :  He blamed you for both women.

He didn’t tell you about #1 “so you wouldn’t be alarmed”.

He didn’t tell  you about #2 “because he knew you would get upset.”

Classic DARVO. Deny, Attack, and Reverse Victim and Offender.

In this case, he denied any relationship, attacked you by blaming you for his duplicity, in the attempt to turn you, the victim, into the offender.

Again, he blamed you.

Think long and hard about that.

And, if he knew you would be “alarmed and upset”, then why did he do it at all? You don’t do things that will “alarm and upset” your partner, because you love and do not betray them at the most basic levels.

I know you have a lot to work through, but don’t let the things you’ll have to let go make you gaslight yourself.

Post # 107
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Yes!!! So much this PP!

if he knew you would be “alarmed and upset”, then why did he do it at all? You don’t do things that will “alarm and upset” your partner, because you love and do not betray them at the most basic levels.

And ex of mine is moving to my town, he texted me and asked if I could show him around for an hour and talk about living here, best neighborhoods ect. I love FH and would never dream or consider anything with this guy, meeting up for an hour really would be meaningless to me and I was free. But I said no, because I knew it would make FH uncomfortable. And I told him about the text just becasue, trust.

Post # 109
Member
6496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I’m not here to tell you that your relationship is automatically over. You know the situation and your Fiance better than anyone here, and only you can decide whether the trust can be rebuilt and whether it is worth it or not.

The only thing I would caution you is to PUT OFF TTC until both of you are completely over this hurdle. I know how hard it is to disrupt everything you have worked for over the last four years, but the only thing worse than wondering about your Fiance with other women now is being home with a baby and wondering about your Fiance with other women. As I am sure you know, babies are wonderful when you and your partner are in complete agreement and harmony before the baby arrives, but babies do not fix or solve anything. Indeed, they will bring emotions and any underlying issues to a head very quickly. Emotions run high when people are stressed with little sleep, and it is easy to get irritated and toss things back at your spouse without thinking, and those little comments or nagging issues of distrust will erode a relationship more quickly than you can imagine.

Post # 111
Member
1198 posts
Bumble bee

“He did tell me i can keep the dogs and the house.”

Wait, what?!

Obviously I wasn’t there to witness the conversation, but I find it alarming that it was that easy for him to offer that up so quickly. After building a life with you over 4 years, he is that willing to leave it all behind just like that?

Did I misunderstand?

 

Post # 112
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

This is absolutely not the same as you and your guy friends because you wouldn’t ever try to hide the fact that it was one of your guy friends calling, and even more than that, if they were actually just friends and he had been texting her earlier, answering the phone with “Who is this?” would have severely weirded her out.

Not telling someone about talking to your friends is worlds apart from actively deceiving someone, which is what he did.

Post # 113
Member
12207 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

I know there is so much more to it than this, and that this is just one of many lies associated wirh this mess, but the fact that your fiance was essentially conspiring with the ex behind your back to keep you in the dark about their communication with one another is a total betrayal of your relationship. 

Unless, you’ve already told him you are leaving him, which does not seem to be the case, if he’s giving you the house and dogs so quickly and easily you have to wonder. Maybe he knows the truth is about to come out. Or maybe he wants it to.

Post # 114
Member
366 posts
Helper bee

My main concern is that he told you right away that you can keep the house and the dog. Who does that when they have nothing to be blamed for? 

Post # 115
Member
1353 posts
Bumble bee

He’s only hiding it from you because there is something to hide! 

Feelings, yearnings, titilation, fantasy, pursuit, flirting, cheating. All emotional Infidelity.

 

If he has something to hide, it’s wrong. Plain and simple. He knew that, too, that’s why it was an ongoing secret. 

And instead of being a good husband and distancing himself, he indulges himself, regardless of you. No honor,no respect. 

He is naturally, casually devious when it comes to you and your relationship. So quick to lie. 

Post # 116
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

CaliforniaLovin :  He likes to keep his contacts updated with new pictures? Wow that’s a new one. So He must have pictures for all of his contacts then. Very simple, check his phone. 

Bee your heart must be breaking. Like I told you in the beginning I have been there. You want to believe him so bad, but your gut is telling you something else. You asked him and he told you. Now you have to ask yourself do you believe him or do you go with your gut? Yes you love him, if you didn’t you wouldn’t be with him. And you can’t believe he did this to you. Well believe it. 

Yes you have males friends but when they call you do you hide it from him? And those women who called and texted him are not his friends!!! So it’s a totally different thing. 

When he meet up with texter he knew it was wrong, but he did it anyway. He didn’t tell you because he didn’t want you to get upset? Honey if you hadn’t busted him you still would have been in the dark. He meet up with her WHY? Did you ask him that? WHY? 

Oh bee I believe and this is just me, that this isn’t the first time. He is just getting sloppy at what he is doing. Having two girls calling and texting is alot when you have to hide it from you future wife. He messed up. Now he is going to be one step ahead of you. So it’s not going to be as easy for you to find things out. He’s is going to be very careful now. 

Just please think about this real hard. I know you are putting off getting married and ttc, I think that is a very smart decision. 

 

Post # 117
Member
1682 posts
Bumble bee

 

CaliforniaLovin :  “Like for example my guy friends, he doesn’t really even know who they are so i feel a tad bit hypocritical.  I talk on the phone sometimes with them and i don’t report back that i talked to so and so today.”

You’re gaslighting yourself here, trying to make his actions seem OK. I assume you are not actively hiding your friendships with them.

I also find it very alarming that he went to “you can keep the house and dogs” part so quickly. I realize a lot of information was probably left out, and you have zero obligation to detail everything out here, but someone who says that is not vested in the relationship anymore. You’re tearing yourself apart and he’s ready to walk. He’s either checked out or doesn’t want to be the bad guy by breaking up with you or thinks this is “just something guys do”. Who knows.

Someone who is truly remorseful would do whatever possible to regain your trust.

Or maybe it is him throwing out a very passive aggressive ultimatum to get you to sweep this under the rug.

It is confusing and shocking to process all of this. Some of us have been through this or other crises in our relationships, and giving you opinions/advice because we have the gift of hindsight. We’ve already processed what you are at the beginning of, and know how things will likely turn out. This is a giant red flag that some of us ignored.

Do you have EAP at work? Or can you afford a therapist on your own? Talking to a neutral party would really be helpful. Your friends and relatives are not usually good sounding boards – they will often give biased advice because they want to see you “happy”.  Even one or two sessions with a therapist can help you sort out your feelings and help you make your decision, whatever that turns out to be.

I’m really sorry this is happening to you. I am glad to see that you have put the brakes on a baby and a wedding so you can work through this and decide what is best for you and your future. What is best, not what is easiest. Staying or going will be hard in different ways.

 

Post # 118
Member
10845 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

echomomm :  

Being able to look someone in the eyes as evidence of truthfulness is a myth. 

There are far more reliable “tells”.

Ex FBI agent, Joe Navarro has written tons of books and done lots of YouTube videos on this.

Post # 119
Member
871 posts
Busy bee

katebluestone :   echomomm :   keviah12 :  All of this. 

 

I think him telling her she can have the house and the dogs was to scare her, to frighten her into thinking this could be over if she keeps making a big deal out of this. Or, as weddingmaven : posted, unless you were the one who told him it’s over, maybe he knows the truth is about to come out, maybe even wants it to. 

Several Bees have already given you good advice OP and I’m so sorry you’re hurting like this. 

I just want to touch on one subject- gaslighting. Your fiance is gaslighting you- as katebluestone : says so well in her post, DARVO etc- he blamed you  And it appears to already be working- you understand where he’s coming from, you talk to guys too, maybe you’re being a hypocrite  This is not your fault, none of this. And you talking to other guys is not the same at all, you haven’t lied and deceived. 

Please, whatever you decide to do, do not underestimate the seriousness of gaslighting. This is someone who is supposed to love and care for you playing psychological mindgames which makes you doubt your own instincts, your own perceptions, your own thoughts. This is actually an extremely manipulative, extremely awful thing to do to someone. It is a very huge betrayal. 

And this has been going on for at least half of your relationship. While you’ve been buying a house with him, planning a wedding, planning TTC, he’s met someone else behind your back for lunch and corresponded with at least 2 other women and kept if from you because (blame shifting alert) he didn’t think you would handle it well, he felt forced into lying and hiding things from you because of how you’d react. He wants to heap the blame onto you, on top of your justifiable heartbreak and confusion without any ownership of his actions. 

And I’m sorry Bee, but this is only what you know. I have a hard time believing he would meet up with someone behind your back 2 years ago followed by 2 years of good behaviour and then out of the blue messages from two women start up, I think he’s only admitted to what you already know, to what he has no choice to admit to. I think it’s unfortunately highly likely there are other things in that two year gap you don’t know about, possibly even more things in the first two years of your relationship. And you can’t trust him to come clean with full disclosure. 

I’m not saying this to hurt you when you’re already hurting Bee, I just hate seeing you already taking on some of the blame, making excuses for him when you’re the victim in this no matter how he tries to spin it. You have to make your own decision of course Bee, but for me gaslighting would be an utter dealbreaker. To have someone you love deliberately try to make you doubt your own mind, your own thoughts and perceptions, to turn inward against yourself,  to me this is the ultimate betrayal. I’m so sorry. 

 

 

Post # 120
Member
214 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

 I haven’t read each response in detail, so sorry if  I  am repeating stuff. But I just wanted to add that  my ex’s exgf once texted him a sexy selfie while we were dating. Nothing nude or anything, but to “show off her new back tattoo” yeah, sure. My ex immediately was like “guess what exgf just sent me, isn’t that weird?!?” and  didn’t respond to her. That is how an innocent boyfriend responsed to getting a sexy selfie from an exgf while in a relationship. Not by sending a thank you text, and hiding the info from his current girlfriend, who by all accounts seems chill and understanding.

Also, lots of people hook up and their text history still looks innocent. I’m single at the moment and hook up with a family friend fairly regularly when he’s in town. If you looked through our texts you would never know. Not everyone who hooks up  sends sexy texts even when they aren’t cheating. The fact is the girl clearly knew about you when she called- which is super odd if nothing is going on. I’m just not buying it bee.

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