What would you do? – FI texting women

posted 4 months ago in Emotional
Post # 121
Member
6450 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

sassy411 :  You’re absolutely right. I guess I wasn’t thinking so much about looking someone in the eyes as a measure of truthfulness, but more as a measure of caring  or emotion. I can look people in the face and lie, but because of how much I care about Dh, I hesitate to do that. It would fly in the face of everything we’ve built and everything a good relationship is built on. The fact that her Dh was willing to do that tells me he doesn’t care about the ramifications of that in his relationship. 

Post # 122
Member
735 posts
Busy bee

CaliforniaLovin :  

I’m a little late in commenting, but I’ve read the whole thread and I’m really thinking of you.

What an awful, gut-wrenching, confusing, difficult place to find yourself in – I’ve been there myself.

You need to give yourself space and plenty of compassion and breathing room, and you’ll come to a decision which is right for you.

Post # 123
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

CaliforniaLovin :  Hey bee <3 I’m so sorry you are going through this. I think it’s smart to take time and not make any decisions right away. I think you should go read over on the forum of survivinginfedility.com. They have information about cheating behaviors and emotional affairs that you might find helpful. I wish you all of the best <3

Post # 124
Member
688 posts
Busy bee

dsaasd :  agreed. 

 

I’m so sorry, OP- and I was wrong. 

Keeping his contacts updated w photos and not saving someone’s name – he’s continuing to lie. These are bullshit excuses. 

My FH does have women send him stuff, which is the reason for my initial response- but he does what ddaasd said – he shows me. 

I ran this by him, in fact, and he said “nope, that’s shady behavior.” 

I can’t imagine the pain you must be in. Something like this is so bewildering. I am glad you’ve not been alone, I’m glad you’ve had these fierce bees holding space for you. 

I’m sorry in my naivete I bought into any gaslighting you’re experiencing… I guess it was wishful thinking on my part. 

Post # 125
Member
817 posts
Busy bee

Ugh. I have secondary rage for you just reading through this thread. I’m walking through BJ’s (similar to Costco) all shakey and shit and throwing eyeball daggers at my husband…. we went through something similar with him texting someone he dated and had a huge blow-up over it. Eventually things got sorted out but it was an incredibly shitty time. 

This whole situation sucks. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 126
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

 

CaliforniaLovin :  I posted something similar last year but judging by the amount of posts you have made, you might not have a clue about that post. Here’s the thing…

The guy was not my Fiance but he was well embedded in my child’s life who was 3 years old at that time. 

I got lots of GREAT advice from the Bees. 

I decided to end the relationship. I never was one to carry on dead relationships as a friendship, however, in my particular case, my son was deeply emotionally rooted with this man. So I gave this guy a choice… he can have NOTHING (both my son and I are gone), or he can remain on friendly terms with me if he cares to have a relationship with my son. He chose the latter.

We were living together, but my son and I did move out IMMEDIATELY. And now we keep a healthy distance. And trying to create a bigger gap as time goes by so that my son doesn’t get hurt in the process.

Moral of the story is that it doesn’t matter WHAT is at stake (in this case it was my son), I was still not able to trust this guy EVER AGAIN. Period. And somewhere deep down you may already know that too. So try to make a clean and quick break as soon as possible. Otherwise it will drive you insane. And most definitely do NOT have kids with him!

 

Post # 127
Member
754 posts
Busy bee

keviah12 :  

I already made a post but to add to what keviah12 said about the guy deflecting it on you about not being able to trust you again… well I went through that also. And I asked him in somewhat these words,

“So what I am hearing is that you don’t trust me, and I don’t trust you, then we should not be with each other. And secondly, your loyalty is not contingent on my checking your messages. Are you telling me that you have no sense in your brain or self discipline? And the only way you can be expected to be a grown up good man is if someone will monitor your phone? Your dummy dum-dum accusation only answered my question about whether I deserve someone better than you who can think for themselves.

Another thing that drove him crazy for many weeks was,

“Thank you for opening that ‘open relationship’ door so now I won’t feel guilty at all about texting and sexting guys. I have no problem with any type of relationship you want us to have, just as long as its fair and equal for both of us.” 

From that point on, even if I were playing Candy Crush, this guy was going NUTS that I must be texting someone. Now mind you, I did not care about him at all after I found out what he did. And as advice from other Bees, I did do a bit more sleuthing and let this go on for some time so I have unbeatable evidence.

 

Post # 128
Member
948 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2019 - City, State

queenie8119 :  Yes girl Yes.

Post # 129
Member
7813 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Any updates OP? hope you’re doing okay.

Post # 130
Member
10704 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

echomomm :  

I hadn’t thought of it from that perspective, Bee.  But, what you’re saying makes perfect sense.

Post # 131
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019 - Mountains

Did he receive an updated pictures of his guy friends to store in his phone?

Post # 132
Member
483 posts
Helper bee

Very sorry you’re going through this. Saying he likes to keep his contacts photos up to date is such a load of bull. 

Post # 133
Member
12 posts
Newbee

CaliforniaLovin: I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. It’s so very sad. 

Post # 135
Member
517 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2019

Hugs Bee, glad you are taking time for yourself!

To me lying and hiding is indicative of the level of respect you have for your partner and relationship. You would have been upset so I lied and hid things from you, rather than you would have been upset so I didn’t do things I knew would upset you because I love and respect you, your feelings and our relationship.

Is reconnecting with and texting and talking to this ex flame worth making my future wife uncomfortable and upset? Is it worth lying and hiding it from her and endangering our relationship? The answers should be no! 

When you engage in behavior that you feel you need to hide or lie about you are disrespecting your relationship because you are placing what you are engaging in above the relationship. 

It reminds me of the whole, Katie, Ken, Camille Bee drama. All her husband would have had to do is say, babe you have nothing to worry about but I respect your feelings and our relationship so while you are out of town I won’t go on double dates with Camille, Katie and Ken. I respect the fact you have a weird feeling about her even though I don’t recognize it. Instead he chose texting and hanging out with Camille over respecting his wife’s feelings and his marriage. 

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