(Closed) What would you do? Friend’s FI is cheating. Would you say something?

posted 4 years ago in Emotional
Post # 31
Member
3185 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

 

SilverWire:  if you don’t want to yell her go to CVS print the pics and then express mail them to her. Don’t put your name print her address with a label maker. And call it a day

Post # 32
Member
109 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Okay so you probably haven’t been cheated on, which is good. But here’s how it is from someone who has.

Scenario: You are in a relationship with who you think is the one, you’re living together, talking marriage, and it’s good. But you have this nagging feeling that something isn’t right. You don’t tell your friends from sheer embarrassment, but you don’t ask him because you think he will call you crazy and untrusting. So you put it out of your mind and write it off as hormones. Months pass and you find out he actually did cheat and you go to your friend’s house to tell her and she says “yeah, I knew, I wanted to tell you but…” ARE YOU KIDDING ME. So not only did you just lose your man, but you just lost the one other person you trusted because they kept something so devastating from you. They could’ve saved you the months of heartache, and the embarrassment, but they lied to you too.

From someone who was cheated on and lied to about it by a friend, tell her, tell her, tell her. Whether she acts on it and leaves or decides to stay, she needs to know and she needs to know now. She might not even know that she’s lost him, I would take an honest friend over coming home to packed bags and an “I found someone else” with no clue it was coming. You are HER friend not his, do not protect him. You are in no way protecting her by keeping this, you’re letting him have control to embarrass and disrespect her, and then come home and lay in her bed. 

Post # 33
Member
6718 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2015

Even if it ends your friendship forever, you have to tell her, it’s the only right thing to do here.  And personally I’d want to know it from you directly, not from some silly anonymous message.  Imagine when she comes crying to you about the photos she got in the mail and you can’t fake surprise because it’s you.  Puts too many kinks into the works.  Be honest, be there for her and help her through as best you can, even if she decides to stay anyway.

Post # 34
Member
1352 posts
Bumble bee

How is this even a question? Of course you have to tell your friend!! For the sake of her long-term wellbeing but also her physical health!

Post # 35
Member
12484 posts
Sugar Beekeeper

As difficult as it is to be the person who brings such devastating news to a friend, IMO you really don’t have much of choice. I agree that this is not only about her life with a cheater, but it potentially impacts her health as well as that of her unborn child. 

Post # 36
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

Another vote for definitely tell. And don’t make it a staged ‘reveal’, with anonymous photos or fake naivete – just tell her straight out what you saw, and say you’re sorry to give her this kind of news but you knew you couldn’t consider yourself her friend if you weren’t honest. Share the pictures after talking a bit – I think leading with the photos is too aggressive.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by  ohnatto.
Post # 37
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

j_jaye:  I totally disagree. Go over to him and say what? Hey, you know you’re cheating on my friend?

I’m sure he knows this. Maybe the girl did too. This just gives him ammo to come up with a lie to tell his pregnant fiance before anyone can tell her. That will definitely be friendship ending and the start of back and forth games.

Go to her, tell her what you saw and only what you saw and what happens happens. 

Post # 38
Member
9033 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

BlueRose426:  Go over to him so he knows he was seen. Therefore giving him the opportunity to come clean to his partner rather than someone else having to do it. 

Often women just don’t believe the person who tells them. This sort of thing is always better coming from the guilty person rather than an outsider.

Post # 39
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

j_jaye:  I think in a perfect senario, this would work. And I totally agree coming from the cheater would be better (well not better, no one wants to hear their Fiance is cheating) BUT I am doubtful someone who has the gall to go to vegas with another woman is going to be honest. He’s going to come up with some story, try and debunk the pictures, call his Fiance long before OP gets home to tell her friend. 

But since she didn’t go up to him, I do not think what’s done is done and she shouldn’t say anything. She should tell her friend. Hopefully she will look at the pictures and realize the truth and be thankful her friend told her. If not, the OP loses a friend. it sucks, but IMO she should be looking out for the health of the friend and unborn baby.

Post # 40
Member
9033 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

BlueRose426:  He will probably do that anyway. So the most likely outcome is the only relationship that will be ruined is the one between the OP and her friend. That is the worst outcome for the friend especially if her partner is a manipulator. 

Post # 41
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

j_jaye:  Maybe you could, but I could not live with myself if I told the guy to tell his Fiance and he didn’t and I never told the friend. And it has nothing to do with how I’d feel, it’s the fact that he cheated and could potentially be knocking up some other girl or spreading Save-The-Date Cards around. And if I did the tell friend sometime down the line, she would absolutely be in the right to be pissed off I didn’t tell her when it mattered.

OP, the choice is yours. These are obviously opinions as there is no right or wrong answer. Do what feels right for you as long as you’re strong enough to deal with the consequences. 

Post # 42
Member
8 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I vote to tell her. The main reason is for your own sake. Can you live with knowing the information and not accidentally saying it? If you tell, tell only what you saw and give no speculation. The messenger will often be shot. At first she may be upset but she eventually can come around. You do have to prepare yourself that it could end the friendship, but that could also be the case if you don’t tell her and its is revealed you knew and said nothing. Most women know or are least have a suspicion if a one is cheating. You never know if this could be the evidence she need to let her believe it. Talk to her about, show the photos and leave it to her as to what action she takes. Right now this is the beat answer simply because she could end up in a marriage, and a new child without knowing the truth.

Post # 44
Member
783 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

smile111:  I’m glad you spoke up and she now knows the truth. I’m curious to see how she handled the information and your delivery of it to her.

Post # 45
Member
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

I’m so glad you told her!

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