(Closed) What would you do? Guest list issue

posted 8 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: What would you do?

    Lose the deposit and find a new venue

    Not allow parents to invite friends

    Invite everyone & hope for the best?

    Any other options please!

  • Post # 17
    Member
    1486 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    “Courtesy invites” are bullshit. Don’t invite anyone you don’t plan on having attend. Have your fiance go through his parents’ list, and you go through your parents’ list, and cut out anyone you haven’t seen or spoken to in the last year (or maybe two). If they’re not current friends of YOU AND YOUR FIANCE, nix them from the list.

    Post # 18
    Member
    721 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2015

    Fiance and I found our venue first, and then let the capacity determine the size of our guest list.  We’re paying for the wedding ourselves, so we made sure everybody the two of us wanted to invite made it onto the list first.  Then we let my parents make some suggestions, since the wedding is taking place in my hometown where they still live, recommending they only take half of the remaining seats so there’d be a decent amount left for Future Mother-In-Law.  Finally, I told Future Mother-In-Law that there were X seats remaining and asked who she would like us to add to the list.  Our venue holds 150, and hey, what do you know, our guest list is at 150!  

     

    @distracts:  I agree that courtesy invites are bullshit, but Future Mother-In-Law insists on sending invitations to ~20 family members who nobody has seen or spoken with in years, due to cultural considerations (apparently it would be a massive insult not to include them).  FMIL originally suggested just sending wedding announcements, but she insisted they had to be sent BEFORE the wedding, so I upgraded them to actual invitations.  I made it clear to her that we are only sending out 150 invitations, regardless of our assumptions about attendance, and that her courtesy invites do NOT get to take precedence over people we actually want to be there.  Luckily, the numbers all lined up.

    Post # 19
    Member
    1486 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    @Phamnomenon:  The reason I think that “courtesy invites” are bullshit is because you CANNOT count on those people NOT showing up. We had about ten courtesy invites that we couldn’t dissuade the parents of, all assured “oh, there’s no way these people will come!” Well, half of them came. My in-laws had wanted to send courtesy invites to their entire extended family, most of whom my husband had not seen in fifteen years, some 100+ people. I will always advocate for never, ever sending an invitation to someone without being fully able and willing to accomodate them at the wedding. So a few courtesy invites? Fine. Even I did that. But OP seems to have almost all courtesy invites, and her venue can’t hold that many, which is just excessive.

    Post # 21
    Member
    41 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    By “our parents” do you mean your’s and your FI’s?  If so, then if she’s willing to cover the cost of the switch and extra food, and if you won’t be heartbroken over switching the venue, then I’d say that’s the best option.  

    If you don’t want to switch venues, then I think you are within your rights.  It’s not like you are trying to have a tiny wedding, you made plenty of room for everyone who could possibly be close with you to attend, and probably a lot of people who aren’t. What’s more is you asked for an estimate and they gave you one.  Then she way exceeded that estimate.  The fault (and rudeness, in my opinion) lies with your Future Mother-In-Law.  Obviously be kind and tactful about it, but she needs to be notified that the list needs to come down. 

    In the end, it’s totally up to you.  I’m guessing your budget is much bigger than mine ($10K), because I’d be freaking out over losing almost 10% of my budget on a venue switch.  So maybe you can afford it, and maybe you’re comfortable enough to do it, but only you can come to that conclusion. 

    Post # 22
    Member
    770 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - Franklin Plaza

    @DaneLady:  +1  I would give the parents a set number and make it work with your guest list.  Updgrading to a bigger venue (if you can find one) won’t only increase the cost of the venue itself but other things as well (decor, favors, etc.)

     

     

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