(Closed) what would you do? (guestlist/kids)

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
13014 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

I think you did get bullied into it, but it’s not the end of the world.

We’re not having kids at the wedding except for our Flower Girl (who will be 6 at the time).  Her parents said they could arrange for a family friend to pick her up after the ceremony, but the friend they mentioned has two small children herself and it would be a 90 min drive for her.  We said she could stay, as long as they were aware there are no other kids there. 

If she’s part of your wedding party, you can play it off like she was invited because of that.  As for other family members. just say “outside of our adorable Flower Girl, we have elected not to have children.  We didn’t think it was fait to not invite the Flower Girl to the festivities after she was such a big part of our day.” and leave it at that.

Post # 5
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

So I wanted to respond to you before the “you suck for not wanting kids at your wedding responses come in”.  Lol!

I think you did the right thing by allowing your brother to bring his daughter.  I know you want no kids but I think it was right for you to accommodate them, especially if your brother will have to go out of town for 3 days to attend your wedding.  If it is essential that he be there, then it is essential for you to make appropriate accomomodations.  Now, that being said, if you don’t want your niece to be the flower girl, then you need to be honest (and gentle) with your brother and simply explain that while your niece may be an adorable addition to your wedding, you think she might be too young to participate as more than a guest.  As for additional relatives, I would ask your brother and family to not broadcast that one kid is coming to the wedding.

Post # 7
Member
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@ambereyez:  Well seeing some of the responses on other threads in support of kids at weddings, I would say that some of your guests may very well go against your wishes and bring their kids anyway.  By then, it will be too late to do anything so try not to worry.  When you send out your invites maybe add a little blurb in the RSVP that states “we have reserved X number of seats for you and your guest.  When those with kids see that they’ve only been reserved 2 spots let’s say, they should get the hint.  Good luck!

Post # 8
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

That was pretty rude of your brother to try to convince you that his kid should be in your wedding.  He could suggest it, but once you said no he should have dropped it. You do not have to have her be your flower girl.  As PP said just re-iterate that you’d love to have her in the wedding, but think she is just to young.

With that said, it’s perfectly fine and reasonable to want a kids-free wedding (the only exception being newborns).  It’s also perfectly fine to have the only kids be the flower girl or ring bearer or to invite only neices and nephews.  Kids are definitely not an all or nothing thing.  Since your brother is Out of Town and it clearly means a lot to him, I agree that you did the right thing by letting him bring your neice.

The etiquette for requesting no kids is to simply list the names of the people who are invited on the actual invite.  So you should address the invite to Mr. and Mrs. Doe as opposed to the Doe Family.  If people RSVP their children you call them up and politely explain that the invite was for them only. 

 

Post # 9
Member
3135 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

maybe it’s just me, but i love and adore my nephew so much and it wouldn’t be my wedding day without him there.

i understand (kind of) not wanting a million kids around, but my sister’s baby is the same as my own baby (ok, fine he’s 7 now) and well, he belongs with us. i think your brother was hurt by the thought of his sister wanting to exclude his child from the day.

you shouldn’t feel bullied into do anything. i would more like you to be able to put yourself in his shoes and see why it was so upsetting for him.

and i’m not saying “you suck” at all! i’m just trying to give another perspective. weddings are a PAIN- everyone’s got an opinion and a different stake in it.

Post # 10
Member
7779 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

We had a no kids wedding, with the exception of my cousins’s little girl who was my flower girl (she’s 4).

Honestly, having her in the wedding party is an exception because she’s in the wedding party. If someone else asks, just say “Sorry, the only kids invited are in the wedding party.” Just be firm and make sure you don’t leave any leeway in your invites for people to bring their kids. We actually added a line to our RSVP cards that said “___ seats have been reserved for you” and filled it in on each invite so that there was no room for interpretation.

I think your brother was way out of line. He should have been respectful of your wishes and left it alone.

Post # 11
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

I think you’re doing the right thing by letting your niece be in the wedding. And to be honest with you, I had 2 little flower girls who were 2 1/2 years old each, and they were adorable. 

I think since she’s so important to your brother, that you did the right thing by having her in the wedding. I also think that allowing her and only her as the only child at your wedding will be fine as well. It’s more understandable to have your niece or nephew at your wedding than every kid in the joint. Know what I mean? So I think that you did the right thing, and no one will question you on it.

Post # 13
Member
2712 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@ambereyez:  Good idea talking about him about feeling bullied.  And don’t feel as though you have to appease other relatives.  As I (and other PPs) have said, it’s prefectly acceptable to invite just the kids in the bridal party.  Good luck!

Post # 14
Member
1110 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

He didn’t handle that very nicely. It’s your wedding and if you choose for it to be an adult event than it’s an adult event. Personally we had kids in and at our wedding, and I STILL don’t understand why people insist on their kids being there when they’re not invited.

You did get bullied into it but now it’s done. It won’t be as bad as you think, he should have her practice at home. I bought my neice a little fake bouquet and she would walk the hallways in her house for practice. She did AMAZING on the day of and just walked right down the aisle like all the adults. You’ll have the rehearsal too, so she might be more comfortable with it than you think.

Post # 15
Member
408 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

We are only allowing our nieces and nephews to come to the wedding. Since his niece is the flower girl and my nephew is the ring bearer…it kind of works out nicely. That and his other niece and 3 nephews are old enough to behave themselves, but no other kids and frankly, not to be rude…I DON’T CARE if someone else has a problem with it. I won’t exclude our nieces and nephews because they’ve been a big part of this with us and a lot of it is family oriented, but the rest of my/his friends rowdy kids, no thanks. Most of their kids are 2 and under anyway, and I’d hope they have enough sense to get a sitter without me having to advise it.

I totally get you and I think you’re fine having her if you are ok with it. If not, you do have to decide what you are willing to put up with and how far you’re willing to push this. While she will remember nothing, your brother won’t forget anything. If you otherwise have a good relationship with your brother, I would let it drop (even though I TOTALLY agree you were bullied into this) but if you don’t have a close relationship/want to make a point/want to be bridezilla (that one is a joke, I hope you lol Wink) or you just want to stand up for what you want/believe in…fight it. But make it your decision and I do agree with your FH, he should step back and let you handle it. But of course his opinion is vital in all this too 🙂 I hope things work out for you…personally, I have no idea why people bring kids to weddings. I leave my 3 year old at home when we go out for weddings, what place does he have there?! But since he is IN mine…I will let him come lol 🙂

Post # 16
Member
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

You weren’t just bullied, you were manipulated and I’m glad you’re going to address that with your brother, that’s not okay.  When I was considering an adults-only wedding, I decided I would offer to find the Out of Town guests reliable babysitters in the area if they couldn’t arrange for a babysitter at home or worried that their kids were too young to be away from them for more than a day.  I would offer this as a compromise for the guests that you REALLY want there, and for other guests who hear that his daughter is coming you can always say that she’s a flowergirl so she’s an exception and you’re very sorry that they won’t be able to come if they can’t get a sitter.  If you wanted to be extremely accomodating, you could hire a few babysitters and set them up in a room with some toys and activities if your venue has a place for them; that is not at all required, but I have seen this at some weddings where couples wanted it to be an adult affair and had the extra money to provide the sitters.

I would gear up for comments from him on the wedding day about, “See, isn’t she cute?” or “See, this worked out perfectly!”  That would be really annoying, but he doesn’t sound like he’s taking your feelings into account or being very mature, so I’d be prepared.

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