(Closed) what would you do if you knew a good friend was having an affair?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@what2do:  I would sit down with her. Let her know you know. Let her know that you strongly feel that what she is doing is wrong and is not fair to her husband and her child.

I think I’d tell her that you cannot continue to watch silently while she betrays her husband and child. Let her know that she needs to stop for good and come clean to her husband.

It might end your friendship, but she needs to know that her actions aren’t as “secret” as she may think.

Post # 4
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@KatNYC2011:  Totally agree!

As a good friend you’re obligated to NOT just stand by and watch her do things that you know are harmful to her life without some kind of interjection.

I’ve had friends that just stood by and watched me do dumb things and to be honest… we aren’t friends anymore b/c I realized that a friend would never be okay with watching me hurt myself or others. =/

Definitely not an easy place to be, but maybe over lunch you could talk about it… some place public so that maybe she’ll react better.

Post # 5
Member
1351 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

My best friend cheated on her husband twice during the first year of marriage. She came to me, I didn’t judge but urged her to tell her hubby. She did, they are working through it.

.

.

.

Last week she cheated again! Said it’s his fault because he’s a teacher, soccer coach, master’s at night, studying late and not “attending to her needs.” Absolutely speechless. Like literally. Then she started talking divorce. She’s off her anti-depressants/anti-anxiety because she just HAS to get pregnant before my wedding (rolls eyes) even though doctor didn’t think good idea to go off cold turkey so fast. Well, when I suggested she seek help because I know she loves her husband but something is clearly wrong- SHE FLIPPED. 

 

Deleted and blocked me on facebook- said I’m psycho, said she’s no longer in my wedding (mind you we are like 30 days out), and where to return her dress and shoes because she didn’t want to be in my wedding anyways.

 

One word to describe how I’m feeling: Hurt.

 

I told her fine, if she wants to keep sabotaging every relationship with those of us who love her fine. I’m not going to keep begging her to be my friend/in the wedding. Haven’t talked to her since and this was 2 days ago.

 

Sorry to threadjack. This is the first time I’m talking about what happened. My advice to you- even if you don’t judge be prepared. She may be feeling like she’s the victim for breaking her vows and end your friendship.

 

Edit: She too has been cheating with same law school friend. He sends her pics of his _____ and she always said it was just in fun. When I asked would she want one of those cute young teachers sending her husband pics she went off. She also cheated once with a judge. 

Post # 6
Member
5183 posts
Bee Keeper

I wouldn’t do anything. I tend to stay out of other peoples buisness

Post # 7
Member
1866 posts
Buzzing bee

@what2do:  Wow, the first thing that popped in my mind is, why are you such good friends with this person?!  I definitely would not tell the husband.  You’re right, it’s not your place, but I know it’s probably really hard for you to not say anything since you say he’s a great guy.  I don’t know the history between you and your friend, but I would distance myself from this girl if possible. 

Post # 7
Member
8738 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2011

@Mrs.Elivs:  The friendship may end, but is someone who would throw away their marriage like that someone you really want to be close friends with in the first place?

I’m sorry you are hurting. It sounds like she may have other issues going on as well, but that still doesn’t excuse her cheating on her husband just because he’s busy a lot. 

Post # 8
Hostess
16195 posts
Honey Beekeeper

Ugh. What a terrible situation to be in. If she’s really a good friend, you should sit down with her and try to give her a dose of reality. If she listens, awesome. If not, you may need to make a choice about whether you can continue to have her in your life. My heart breaks for her husband and child.

Post # 9
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

@Mrs.Elivs:  Definitely not an easy place & I think your experience sheds light on the possible out comes. Glad you did the loving thing with your friend though. Hopefully she’ll see that & things can be reconciled! Like @KatNYC2011 said, if she can’t accept your love & guidance & she wants to have such a lack of character, then maybe it’s better to not be friends with her. =/ Sure that’s alot easier said than done, but I know for me I’d want friends like you in my life that wouldn’t just let me destroy myself.

OP: It is definitely a possibility that your friend will reject your guidance and concern BUT kinda like a story I once heard about white water rafting and rope throwers…. Even though rope throwing can be messy & even miss the target sometimes, like hit the rafter in the head, you STILL throw the rope when you see someone spinning out of control… you wouldn’t just stand there b/c it may not go perfect. 😉

Post # 11
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@MrsNeutrino:  Well put!

If your friend wishes to confide in you and you are willing to listen, then do so.

If you find her behavior so disturbing, then tell her so and expect to lose the friendship. So be it.

It’s HER marriage, not yours. Your opinion is just that, your opinion.

Post # 12
Member
955 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

You know…I know it is not your place “per se”…but I would absolutely meet with her to discuss her actions and how it is affecting her family, most importantly her CHILD. It is an abomination that she is cheating on a wonderful man with a jerk ex. Clearly, she was not ready for the vows she recited on her wedding day. But, thats neither here nor there. 

I would be tempted to tell him…BUT then again, you do NOT want to get in the middle of this when it blows up. She will be sorry when she is found out, and she loses a good man/the father of her child. She will regret all of this once all she has left is that jerk ex, who won’t want anything more from her than the occasional booty call. 

This is such a difficult situation and while I really want to tell you, “let the husband know! He deserves to know!”, I also realize that it would put you in a seriously awful position. 

Post # 14
Member
5654 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2011

One of the best moments of my life came when my sister told me this in regards to me staying with my sons dad who was verbally abusive (a bit different but still relevant to the never ended griping & circle):

“I love you, but I’m tired of hearing about it… you either need to stay and be happy or leave.”

I must admit that things were kinda rocky with my sister for a period of time after that BUT it was exactly what I needed and was the start of me getting my head on straight.

Same goes for your friend.. she needs to decide what kind of life she wants and as much as you want good things for her, it’s not your job to stand by and watch her be stupid & just nod & smile. Part of loving her is giving her that good shake and showing her you want the best for her.

All the things you just said I would tell her and if she wants to not see it, then I wouldn’t continue being a close friend with her. Being a friend is a 2 way street and if she can’t reciprocate that then that’s her loss… and you would have done everything you can.

Post # 15
Member
4755 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I would do nothing my loyalty lies with my friend. However given what you say about your friend and how such a terrible wife she is- why is she your friend? To me it’s all about where loyalty lies. If she’s my friend and she’s doing wrong, she’s still my friend first. Now if I decided to rat her out, then I consider us no longer friends and my loyalty now lies with the husband. That’s the way I see it.

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