(Closed) What would you do if your husband told you he'd leave if you gained weight?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 212
Member
640 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

@lovesupreme:  

I am glad to hear that you are healthy right now at your weight, but I think if you stay with this man you have more than your physical health to be worried about, but your physical health may also be in danger if he keeps pressing these unrealistic expectations on you.

I know it’s tempting to accept people as they are because we care about them and their situations are tough, but he just sounds like he is using you to fill his hours with and that you aren’t more than a full life cardboard cutout of what he thinks he should have or what he deserves to have. It doesn’t sound like he views you as an equal partner in his life. I don’t even know if he see’s you as a real breathing person to speak to you the way he did. 

There is a man out there that will care for you and support you through any and all things; weight gain just being one of them. Unconditional love and support is the prize to be won, but all he has for you are criticisms and orders.

Post # 214
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lovesupreme:  At least now you know.  Telling you last night or 5 months ago doesn’t change the fact that he’s telling you that he’s going to cheat on you.  I’m going to flat out ask: What are you going to do? Do YOU know that he treats you badly?

Post # 215
Member
9752 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2019

he is going to cheat on you and still expect you to take care of his child. HIS child, it’s great that you care so much, but really you deserve better! Do you really want to spend your life as the nanny? Because that is what you will be, all you will be, except unpaid. He will be dating someone younger, fitter, etc but you will still have to take care of the child. Sorry to be harsh but I think you need it

Post # 216
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t understand what this guy has going for him that you are willing to subjugate yourself and your needs when he has basically promised that one day he is going to cheat on you/leave you for a younger woman. No matter if you keep in shape forever, everyone ages and being super fit at 50 still isn’t going to make you look young and perky and cute (Madonna, for example). What happens 15 years from now when you have molded your life around his needs and then have aged out of his “attractive age range”?

Post # 218
Member
264 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

Look, there’s a difference between preferring your spouse stay at a traditionally healthy/attractive weight and freaking out if your (UNDERWEIGHT) Fiance has some weight fluctuations. He has made you feel that you need to earn his love with your youth and beauty, but has made you fearful that that love and approval can be lost very easily through the natural changes in your body. That does not sound like somebody I would be willing to gamble my future on.

Post # 219
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lovesupreme:  Sorry, but that’s BS.  I live in Los Angeles and my husband and I are in the film industry.  As an actor, I know very well that most people here would rather have the women look like a stick.  Not every man feels that way, and even if they have a preference for thinner women, not all of them are abusive like your Fiance.  Here’s a tip:  Don’t date a superfical man.  I feel like that’s victimizing yourself.  I also think thats a load of crap that people will say “ewww, problems are gross” if you have to leave an abusive realationship.  Or maybe I’m wrong and EVERYONE in your life is a horrible person.  And if that’s honestly the case, then you better reassess all of your relationships, not just your romantic ones. 

Post # 221
Member
1289 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@lovesupreme:  I completely understand where you’re coming from about the pressure to be thin.  In terms of finding someone with more substance, I think the key is recognizing red flags when they come up.  You see them now and luckily you have time to get out.  Please, understand that this is not a healthy man or relationship, even with the SoCal mentality.  I really hope you understand that and start to find a way out. 

Post # 222
Member
4371 posts
Honey bee

Only vampires look the same as the years go by. So basically, he will cheat on you, unless you’re a vampire. The only way you should stay with this man is if you are, indeed, a vampire.

Post # 223
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@lovesupreme:  *hugs* I’m really sorry that you are in this situation and have only now, after being engaged, found out what your Fiance really thinks.

There are a couple of questions which you have to ask yourself:

1) Are you happy with having an open relationship where your husband sleeps with younger woman and dates them while you stay at home every day to care for his son? FYI he probably won’t ever sleep with you again once this happens because you aren’t his type anymore. And he will cheat because you will age.

2) Are you happy with being the soul care-giver for someone with high needs? This is a harsh question I know but it basically sounds like your FI’s plan is to leave you with his son whilst he does out and buys a house etc etc. Sure you get to live in the house, but you’d better like it because there is a fat chance that he will take you out on his arm once you get older. 

3) Are you happy with marring his son instead of him? This is basically what your Fiance wants to happen. He wants you to care for his son. This is a huge responsibility. 

 

Forget about the fat/thin thing and focus on the aging and being the “fun” girlfriend. These are things that you cannot keep up forever, especially if you become the primary caregiver. So even if you do manage to stay thin, he will find other reasons to cheat on you.

As far as I can see, he wants a caregiver, and mistresses on the side, not a wife. If you are happy with that life, then go for it. If you can see yourself doing more, then you’ll have to leave. 

It will be hard, but your life will be much better for it.  Even if it takes you another 20 years to find someone (not likely, you sound like a great catch!) at least those 20 years will have amazingly fun times and not have so much pressure. 

 

Post # 224
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I know that leaving and cancelling a wedding seems impossible right now. But I don’t want you to regret it at night when he goes to dinner with his next “piece” and you are home feeding, cleaning and caring 24/7. The people you are trying to save from hurt (your family) want you to be happy. Plus (and this is harsh) they’ll all be dead in 30 years but you’ll still be with that douche who doesn’t even show you affection anymore. 

Post # 225
Member
3638 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Double post

Post # 226
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – thmpper:  you said,

You know, I was with a man like this for 15 years, and needed extensive counseling after I finally mustered up the courage to leave him. It was a hell I wouldn’t wish on my own worst enemy. If he loves you, he loves you completely, no matter what you look like. I hate to see someone else waste their lives on someone who doesn’t appreciate them. If you need to go to a counselor to get a professional opinion on this relationship, I would encourage you to do so. That relationship (very similar to what you’re describing) completely robbed me of ME. I didn’t even know what my favorite color was in the end. Please, please make yourself a priority in your life. Postpone the wedding if you’re not ready to split. Give yourself some time to really examine and evaluate the situation.

Great post… this is indeed what an emmotionally abusive relationship looks like when the person being abused lives on egg-shells for years (trying to be EVERYTHING to their partner), and ultimately has all the life and joy sucked out of them

You mention not knowing your favourite colour… here is one of my stories…

I remember going out to eat with a friend when I was first seperated, and while we were sitting at dinner my cell-phone kept going off with calls or texts, I’d excuse myself and pick up / check.  Only to be getting more and more visibly upset.  With the DRAMA that was unfolding.  Everyone (including my kids and Ex) making demands of me.  WHERE ARE YOU… WHEN WILL YOU BE HOME? (Teenage Kids).  I DROVE PAST THE HOUSE AND DIDN’T SEE YOUR CAR (Ex Husband checking up on me).

Finally at one point, my friend said to me in a very calm voice… turn it off.  I was stunned… I had NO IDEA THAT THAT WAS AN OPTION.  I was sooo used to being manipulated by the people in my life that there was no sense of what was an appropriate or inappropriate boundary any more.  That was the “date” that changed my life… I came to realize how messed up I was as I sat in this Restaurant, totally clueless as to what to order from the Menu… because for 15 to 20 years, I had been just “handing over” that option to my Ex-Hubby BECAUSE it was SO MUCH SIMPLIER than hearing him say “You are not going to order that are you… it won’t be very good… it’s too expensive… or you should eat something with less calories” etc.

Shortly after that meal with a friend I realized how much I really needed to find a therapist to FIND ME AGAIN.  It took a long time to claw back 20+ years of my life.

And as you say… an Abusive Relationship is something now that I can honestly say I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.

Life is too dang short… IF ONLY I knew all that I learned in those painful years… when I was 20 (age when I met my Ex) how different my life might have been !!

Agree, the OP needs to listen to all the great advice she is getting from women (including us older women) in this topic.

It isn’t a case here of wishful thinking “There but for the Grace of God go I”… it is a case of heartfelt care… “That was me, for the love of God do not take the path I took”

 

 

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