(Closed) What would you do if your husband told you he'd leave if you gained weight?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 227
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO EricaBee: you said,

I don’t know of a court in the land, in this day and age that awards alimony to a wife with a re-marriage condition. Either he’s lying about that, or he’s unaware that he almost certainly could get that amended.

Agree maybe not currently…

BUT I know at least here in Canada (and so I assume probably also in the US) that there are certainly Court Ordered Alimony Agreements that were written in the past that do look like this… and as far as I know they still hold water (so adjustments are not always possible)

Mind you, these marriage were typically long ones (20+ Years) and usually involved a wife who made HUGE sacrifices for the family

Example…

So Hubby could advance his “specialized” career (like a Doctor or a Sr Armed Forces Person), OR there was another issue at play… such as the Wife’s Age, Education & Employment History at the time of the Divorce … OR another valid reason WHY she might not be able to work fulltime… be that something like a personal illness… OR a sick child… OR if the Divorce happened in a FIND FAULT State and the Ex-Husband was accused of something like Abuse or Adultry

Based on what we know here (special needs child) and whatever we might conjure up… it does look like the first wife would meet at least one of the criteria… so that the info provided by the OP could very well be correct (and still valid). 

 

Post # 228
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – lovesupreme:  you said in Reply # 216

I just don’t have a lot of other options in my life. And TBH, other people treat me better because I am getting married then they would if I were single. The reality of the situation is that people don’t like people with problems, so if I were to call off the marriage, people would just be like, “eww problems are gross. How sad for you you’re not getting married anymore.” And I still live in California, where everyone expects everyone else to be underweight anyways. That doesn’t excuse his behavior, I still don’t think it’s appropriate. But I have dated enough people to know that a lot of them won’t date me if I don’t look a certain way anyway. It’s always nice to hear that there are women whose husbands accept them for who they are. I know that my friend who gained weight after having twins has a husband who told her he thought her best friend who is a model did a much better job of “bouncing back” after her pregnancy. Because she had someone paying for her to work out every day before, during, and after, while my friend worked as a teacher. And now my Fiance is essentially saying the same thing (the guys are not friends). WTF is wrong with people. Like it’s my friend’s fault that she had twins. But she did stay together with him.

This post makes me extremely sad… because it shows that your self-esteem is already being eroded away.

I just don’t have a lot of other options in my life…

Sorry, BUT you have got to be kidding.  You are 20… YOU have a lifetime of options sitting right in front of you.  Not having options is being 50 and finding yourself Divorced after 25 Years, and having been sooo wrapped up in a manipulative man’s life, that you don’t know WHO you are or HOW to support yourself financially any more.  It is the reality of being virtually homeless and contemplating going to the Local Food Bank for food… it is crying almost every night of your life for 5 or 10 years.  It is what hopelessness really and truly looks like… when you LOVE someone sooo much that you’ve sacrificed it all for someone who didn’t deserve it … and in the end for what ? (They have moved on to wreck their havoc elsewhere as well as keeping you emmotionally chained / drawn into their neverending drama… all the time telling you that it is BECAUSE OF YOU… YOUR FAULT)

Trust me… you do not need this sh!t in your life… not now… not 25 years from now

There are indeed GOOD MEN out there… and healthy relationships (even in California as eimajleigh: has pointed out).  You need to make plans to get out there and find yourself one.

And on that note, I am going to suggest my 2 favourite books that turned my life around post-Divorce… they will help you to see relationships and men in a whole other light… and to realize that you are an AMAZING Woman, and you DESERVE a WONDERFUL MAN… and he is out there now… looking for you (do not waste the opportunity to meet him)

Book 1 will help you to see WHY the guy you are with now is “a Player”… and WHY that isn’t healthy for you in the long run

Greg Behrendt’s “He’s Just Not That Into You”

and

Dr Phil’s “Love Smart – Find the One You Want / Fix the One You Got”

This last book, will help you to SEE what makes you AMAZING as well as to help you realize what errors in judgement you are making so you aren’t attracting the guys who are best for you.  It is a guide to seeing different personality types, and coming to terms with WHO YOU ARE… so you can stop wasting time dating guys who aren’t your type long term.  It lets you take control of your life, build a LIFE PLAN and make it happen.

Hope this helps,

And (( HUGS )) because I think there are about 200 women on WBee who are cheering for you at this moment… and so wanting you to succeed at all this.  It won’t be easy (break-ups never are)… BUT, I promise you it will be life-changing !!

 

Post # 229
Member
670 posts
Busy bee

Can you name one thing that’s positive that YOU are getting out of this relationship? Just reading about what you are voulnarily signing up for is depressing. I’d like to see a list of positives VS. All the negatives we’ve seen.

Post # 230
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@SoupyCat:  LOL

I am just shaking my head at this situation.  What is it about your SO that makes you want to stay in this abusive relationship?  What does he do for you to make you feel special? Is he ok with you going out and finding a  sexy younger man to have fun with?  If not why is it ok for him?

Post # 231
Member
1733 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Why did he divorce his ex?  Did he treat her similar?

Post # 232
Member
3172 posts
Sugar bee

What an ass

Post # 233
Member
814 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

Sorry but your guy sounds like a massive jerk.

Post # 234
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: February 2008

Your guy is telling you straight up that when you are too old/fat/unattractive he will turn you in for a new model. Nif you are ok with this then marry him.  But don’t pretend he isn’t using you for your money and appearance for as long as it suits him.

Post # 235
Member
9130 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013 - Rocky Mountains USA

OP, I dont understand what YOU are getting out of this relationship.  It sounds like the only thing you are getting is the security of being in a relationship at all.  But when it’s with a superficial ass who makes you feel badly about yourself and worry about your ability to provide for yourself in the future, what’s the point?  Who cares what everyone else thinks, get out!!!  I bet your friends will all tell you later that they didn’t like him.

Post # 237
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

And he basically told me, in that situation, his plan is to find someone else cute and fun, while I help him take care of his son.

What the hell?  Why does he assume you’ll stand for this?  Please for the love of God, leave this situation before you turn out miserable and like his ex.

Post # 238
Member
3580 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@lovesupreme:  I lived in socal for 6 years (Belmont Shores and Huntington Beach).  My friends were all over LA and OC.  You’re simply choosing wrong, it’s not that there aren’t a TON of men out there that aren’t superficial.  Truly. 

You know, this reminds me of when I was younger and let relationships simply happen to me instead of being an active and aware participant in who I chose to spend my time with.  How did you meet him?  Did you pursue him or the other way around?  And the PP about not registering red flags is spot on.  You’re young (we have all been young) and it’s an aquired skill…one that you’re learning now so you’re in a really good position for your next relationship. 

I highly encourage you to NOT marry this man and get out there and meet some real men.  Just because he’s rich/powerful doesn’t mean he’s a catch.  Believe me!!  I dated someone with some supreme $/power when I was 24 and looking back, he was a complete douche.  He basically felt like I didn’t bring anything to the table so he always discounted my opinion – even if what I was saying was common sense.  I am now with someone absolutely amazing.  BE CHOOSY.

Post # 239
Member
1934 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

@lovesupreme: 

Weight is not something you can always control.  What if YOU get sick?  What if you get a thyroid disorder and gain weight?  Will he leave you then?

And is weight the only reason he’d “trade” you in for a newer model?  What if you had an accident and got a scar on your face or something?  It would be sad, yes, but it happens all the time.  Do you really want to be with someone that you have to even question about these things?  

I highly suggest that you don’t marry someone who will not love you for YOU on the inside.  There is NOTHING you can do to stop your outside appearance from changing.  It’s going to happen eventually.  You might still look good, but not the same.  It’s impossible.

I’ve never had to ask my Darling Husband about “would you leave me if” or “what if”…cause I know the answer.  He wouldn’t.

Post # 240
Member
1548 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@lovesupreme:  I wasn’t going to post but now I justfeel like I have to! Especially since it looks like you’re in your 20’s? I feel like you need a wake-up call! It sounds like you are a way better person than your Fiance. You need to realize you can do whatever you want with your life! You don’t have to settle for a man that will look elsewhere for intimacy if you gain 10lbs. You sound like a smart woman and full of empathy and have the ability to look deeper into situations so you can relate better to others, this is all awesome but you can’t let your own happiness be pushed aside.

I worked in the health industry for many years and I do realize that type of mentality where fitness & appearance are everything. I can admit I even got caught up in it to a certain degree. Now that I’m not, I’ve realized there’s so much more happiness to be experienced when you’re not dealing with all the superficial crap. Imagine how much fun you and your Fiance could have if you just did things regardless of what you looked like while doing them? It’s awesome!

I think you need to realize, regardless of where you live there are guys out there who would do cart wheels and head stands to go on a date with you, regardless if you gain 20 lbs. Your Fiance is basing your worth on your appearance and it sounds like thats it! He’s even pushing you into a career path that would keep you fit and he doesn’t even care if its what you want to do. It’s all about him and it’s very sad. To me, it doesn’t sound like he loves you. I don’t want to seem b*tchy, I just think you sound so level-headed and this guy is just sucking alll the confidence right out of you. You need to realize you deserve so much more and there are many guys that would be lucky to have you!

Post # 241
Member
686 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

@thmpper: Thanks for sharing your story. 

@lovesupreme:   You really think this guy is going to make you happy?

You really think this is a happy, healthy relationship? He will cheat on you, ditch you when you are not “good enough for him” anymore and find a “cuter” girl.. Like WTF girl?!  Is that what you want for your life? Leave him, and leave him now before you hurt yourself even more! I’ve read the whole thread and you should realize that you are worth more than this!! Love is not about looks, it’s about growing together and sharing all lifes up’s and downs.. not just ditching someone when it get’s tough or you can’t look like a barbie doll anymore. Be strong and leave!!!

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