(Closed) What would you do if your husband told you he'd leave if you gained weight?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 242
Member
9916 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

You are 20 years old.  This guy is an asshole.  He wants you around to take care of his son so he doesn’t have to…which pisses me off.  I know you like him, and you want to be with him, but you really need to consider whether he is right for you.  

I may have missed this, but what are you going to college for?

Post # 243
Member
1826 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

@This Time Round:  Your posts about this make me so sad…because I could write the same thing. I see young people making such obvious poor choices and accepting so much abuse yet they still make excuses. My oldest daughter (17) is doing that right now and it kills me inside because I know it’s partially my fault due to the long term exposure to her own father! I always want to share my story…to help if I can but I’m so tired…tired of daily dealing with all the fallout that my ex causes constantly…so bone tired.

To lovesupreme: I suggest that you look up codependency and open your mind while you read. I’m sure you will see yourself in the images it represents.

Post # 244
Member
523 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

when my fi and i just started dating we were at a restaraunt and he said something like ‘if you got fat i don’t think id be with you anymore’ (jokingly)

but i still beat the crap out of him with the menu abd ran out lol

this guy has issues, he doesent want to face reality because its so overwhelming for him, if he wants you two to work out he has to get his head out of his ass. im sorry

 

Post # 245
Member
586 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

@Neetch:  I don’t remember ever reading she was 20, it seems as though everyone just assumed she was. She said she was 20 years younger than the guy she is with

Post # 246
Member
679 posts
Busy bee

I don’t think she said she was 20…she said she has the BODY of a 20 year old and she is 20 years younger than her Fiance.

Post # 247
Member
6256 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: March 2014

@lovesupreme:  The problem is, it’s not that easy for me to be the fun, young, girlfriend that distracts him from his problems if I am being responsible for his problems. And he basically told me, in that situation, his plan is to find someone else cute and fun, while I help him take care of his son.


We already established that he does not love you unconditionally, or value you primarily for who you are as opposed to what you look like. But now this A-hole is being so brash as to tell you he is basically marrying you so as to groom you for the position of nanny to his son, so that later he can go out and play with someone younger and less stressed than you, while you stay home and care for a child you had no hand in creating and who is not your responsibility in any way whatsoever?

AND YOU’RE GOING ALONG WITH THIS????

He doesn’t want a lover and friend, and all those things the singers sing about. He wants to get to tell his buddies he fucks a barely legal, and then when she’s a little further from legal, he wants to not have to pay for care. He wants a meal ticket in a slinky dress, and for you to sacrifice your dreams and desires for the PRIVILEGE of being this meal ticket.

My mind is officially blown. I was hoping you’d update saying you’ve decided to leave him, and I’m still holding out hope that you decided to and I just missed it, but jeez. You’re worth a lot more than this situation will give you.

Post # 248
Member
1202 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@Neetch:  She stated that her Fiance is 20yrs older than her. And assuming that she is a fitness trainer, looks younger than her age. Which is why she said, she can’t look like a 20 year old forever. 

Its one thing to accept such a huge responsibilty to care for someone else’s child and stop your life in the processes. But for him to treat you like he does and not going to contribute financally in your lives together, as married couples should, is just a deal breaker. If you’re not happy now with him or your situation, its not going to get any better after you are married. You are going to lose yourself even more and resent him for wasting years of you having hope for a change. You deserve to be happy with someone who can contribute equally as you can. And who can support you financially, even thogh you can support yourself. But at least you’ll have that option. And most importantly, loves you and respects you at your good times and bad times. 

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worse, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.”     ~Marilyn Monroe

Post # 249
Member
453 posts
Helper bee

@EffieTrinket:  This x100000

Please please please, don’t stay with this guy!  You are worth so much more than that!  You make it sound like being young and fun is your secondary job!  That’s complete BS.  Anyone who expects you to be anything you aren’t already is not worth your time!  Yes, have fun, be young, but do it for YOU!  Don’t do it to distract him from his problems!

Aside from these social norms and pressures you’ve spoken of, why are you with him?  What is it about what you get from him that makes you feel like this is all worth it?  Is there even anything?  Are you signing yourself up for a life of entertaining him and nannying?  Your life would not be about you at all!  You’d go to work, and then come home to a second job.  You need to do things for you!

This whole situation really upsets me.  Please, take it as a sign that you’ve got almost 250 people telling you to leave him!  I haven’t seen a single other person say that maybe you should try staying with him.  Consider that you are too emotionally involved to really see what is going on.  It happens to everyone at some point in their life.  I know I’ve been there.  Please consider that what you see is being warped.

Post # 250
Member
670 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

Leave, he’s a superficial dick.

Post # 251
Member
1252 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

OP – First of all taking care of his child is not your responsibility, it is the responsibility of your Fiance and his ex-wife.  Second of all, the child should be eligible for Social Security Disability benefits after the age of 18, which would hopefully cover the cost of home-care.  I kind of get the feeling that this man is marrying you to be a caregiver to his son, and a piece of arm candy for as long as that lasts, but where is the love?  What exactly are you getting out of this relationship?

I want you to know that I understand feeling the social pressure to get married. I got married for the 1st time last year at the age of 41.  There were times over the last 20+ years of dating that I thought about settling for someone, I dated and even lived with quite a few men that were takers, they mooched off of my money and my generousity, they cheated, they lied, they stole from me.  I used to joke that I just had a bad “picker” in that I always managed to pick jerks/losers/liars/cheaters.  But there was truth to that – I was CHOOSING to dating men with all the wrong qualities, and maybe you have been too.  Once I clearly saw that I made a list of what qualities were important to me and stuck to it, I found the perfect man and trust me he was worth the wait.

I also am really bothered that this man discourages you from any sort of intellectual career.  Perhaps working as a trainer is part of the reason why you are meeting so many superficial people?  Do what is right for you – if you want to work as a rocket scientist MAKE IT HAPPEN for yourself, your potential should not be limited by your FI’s expectations of you!  I promise you that if you did change careers to something more challenging you would meet plenty of people that were more interested in your mind than your body.  Try it, and if you need to move away from SoCal to find friends that won’t be so bothered by your personal troubles than so be it! 

I wish you much clarity and strength.

Post # 252
Member
777 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

I would tell myself “Life is too short and too precious to waste on this asswipe.” And then I would start packing.

This man is utterly self-absorbed. He’s not looking out for you or your best interests. He’s only interested in using you–for free childcare; for distraction from his worries; for your body. He has told you upfront that once you cease to be useful to him in these ways he will cast you aside like so much trash. You can’t build a happy or healthy or satisfying life with someone who doesn’t love you.

Have you read The Giving Tree? That’s what you’re headed for. Only once he cuts you down and you have nothing left to give him he will simply move on to the next tree.

Post # 253
Member
125 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I would leave him. If you are not willing to leave then please make sure you have a bank account that is only in your name that you’re putting money into. It sounds to me that he is willing to upgrade to a newer model if you falter in any way. This is just a recipe for disaster. It’s impossible to be perfect and to look your best 100% of the time. I believe in a situation where a spouse gains a significant amout of weight then they should work as a team to work on the issue. Not so much for appearances but for health reasons. He sounds like a total douche and I would run.

Post # 254
Member
4474 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2012

What you were saying about having no options, and everyone in your area being shallow are weak excuses for why you can’t leave him.  I live in LA, and I found an SO and friends who do not subscribe to the BS your Fiance does.  Hell, my Fiance works in the entertainment industry, and still does not care what I weigh, he just wants me to be healthy and happy.  

 

Look, I know you love him.  Maybe you’re afraid you’ll never find someone who wants to marry you.  It will hurt to leave him.  But you will be so happy you did!  This is the time of your life to go out and have adventures.  You’re so young the world’s full of options for you.  It’s not the time of your life to live in fear you’re not hot enough to please your man, to feel like you have to fit his mold of what he wants, or you’ll get booted out of the relationship.  To be treated like a sex object instead of someone to be loved and cherished.  To add to all this, you’d be financially compromised because of alimony, and on top of it all, you’d play nurse to his kid.  This is a $hit situation.  He’s got it all.  A passive sex toy that lets him call the shots, a free nurse/caretaker, and someone who doesn’t care that he’s broke (hell, you’ll even be earning money soon, improving HIS financial situation).  You’re getting objectified and taken advantage of.  Sounds like a fair deal, huh?

 

This really has two outcomes.  One is that his degrading and abusing you escalates to the point where you become a shell of who you once were.  The second option is that you wake up and realize what a douche he is and you leave.  In which case I’d bet you money this guy moves on to another naive young woman inexperienced enough to put up with his bullshit.

Post # 255
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO – Neetch: Re – Poster’s Age

I looked back thru all the posts the OP made in this topic (1 – 100 – 142 – 200 – 203 – 208 – 212 – 216 – and 219). No where did she say she was 20, or even in her 20s.

Call it a case of telephone tag… but it is something we have the readers have misconstrued along the way …  what she said was…

He is actually 20 years older than I am. But he is constantly attracted to younger girls, and I think it’s an escape in a way, because their innocence reminds him of the days when he didn’t have such a heavy burden on his plate. I feel for him in this situation. He does have a lot of responsibility – though he currently has only partial custody of his son, he does have the financial burden. However, I don’t know what to do – I can’t guarantee that I am going to look like a 20 year old forever

She also said she is training to be a Fitness Instructor and is underweight and has a BMI below norm.  Hence the concept that she looks like a 20 year old physically.

So ya, like you’ve discovered elsewhere on WBee she is over 30… so that would make him over 50

This would also probably explain more fully WHY his Ex-Wife might have the Alimony Agreement structured as it is (see the concens raised by EricaBee: with Reply # 199 and my post addressing that in Reply # 226 )

Hope this helps,

Post # 256
Member
9951 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

TO Luayne: – in regards to your Reply # 242

Sorry to hear you can relate… being in an abusive relationship sucks, being a survivor of one has its own challenges & personal struggles.

I sooo get the bone tired comment… When you have been so struck down mentally it is hard to find any energy at all physically. 

I still struggle with that still now 10 years later.  The least little thing goes off the rails, and I tend to shut down, tire out, etc.  It is frustrating mentally because I know I should be doing better, but sometimes I just cannot. 

I’ve come to realize in part now that it is what it is… I need to accept the NEW me, and realize that Super Mom is no more (although at times I soo wish I could get that back, and multi-task even just a little bit… planning my Wedding is so daunting for example… I know Mr TTR deserves more from me, but I just can’t find the energy to give it.  I am seriously thinking of hiring someone to help.  Lol, and this is an Elopment situation… could never imagine trying to coordinate a BIG White Wedding like I had the first time.)

Sad to hear about your Daughter… hopefully she can see the light before it is too late.  KNOW how difficult it is to watch such things unfold.  Things certainly haven’t been easy for me either in regards to children.  The Divorce shattered their lives too… and they are holding onto their own pain as well.  I am hopeful though that we can patch things up somewhere down the road when they are looking to settle down (marry) or have kids of their own.

I was in my marriage for 20+ years, because I honestly could not see my way out.  My self-esteem was very low (from a messed up childhood) that I LOVED a man that treated me badly, and I couldn’t imagine life without him.  I stayed with him because I loved him, and thought it was best for the kids.  It wasn’t.  In the end I sacrificed just about everything for that relationship.  It wasn’t worth it.  I soo wish I had found a way to be stronger and have left earlier (like around 30) vs hanging on into my 40s.  Sure it would have been hard… but the scars and dispair might not have been so deep.

All I can do now, is hope that my story can someone help someone else not make the same mistakes I did.  Be that the Poster here today, or someone else… Women deserve to know the truth, so they can protect themselves by making INFORMED CHOICES.

 

 

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