Ok, so, I was in a pretty bad situation like this, before. My ex fiance is 16 years older than me. When I met him, I weighed about 135 or so at 5’6″, and at that time he thought I would look best 10 pounds lighter. He didn’t start by saying it in a mean way, it was just “helping” me with my weight loss (I was working out on my own before we were together). The problem was that I stared to gain some weight. It wasn’t a lot, but it was enough to start sparking fights. In the 4 years we were together, pretty much every argument we had touched on my weight. I’m a fairly stubborn person, and I actually ended up gaining 40 pounds over our relationship. I don’t know if it was subconcsiously trying to see how far I could go until he would make good on his promise to kick me to the curb if I got fat.
I tried to explain to him, so many times, that looks come and go. I told him that at some point he was going to be old and I would have to take care of him, but it was like he was refusing to believe that he would ever age or not be in shape. We had so many arguments where I woiuld just ask, “Why can’t you just love me for me?”
I finally had to reach the point where I realized my love wasn’t enough. I felt a lot like you did for a long time. We were engaged, and had put deposits down on things, already. I still had to make the choice to end it and face the humiliation (in my mind). We tried counseling. I am the type of person who is loyal to a fault, and I stayed in the relationship for FAR too long. I loved him unconditionally, but his had conditions. How was that fair to me?
Honestly, how is it fair to you? Someone said you are 20? If that’s true, don’t sell yourself short. At 20, you are just STARTING your life. I started dating my ex-fiance when I was 21. When I look back at where I was then, and how my life has changed over 9 years, it’s crazy! During that time, I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life and started an amazing career. I met an amazing guy who loves me for who I am.
I understand what you say about looks and attraction. Looks are what initially attract us to someone, but it’s when you get to know someone that the true love happens. Trust me when I say that you deserve to find someone amazing who won’t put conditions on their love for you.
If you ever need someone to talk to who has been in a situation similar to yours, let me know.