(Closed) What would you do? [Long, but with commas and paragraphs! Lol]

posted 6 years ago in Relationships
  • poll: What would you do if you were me?
    Let it go, and forget it - it's just weed, and it's nice that your SO and bro get along : (8 votes)
    5 %
    Let it go for now, but make sure he knows how much his betrayals have hurt : (17 votes)
    10 %
    Yell at him, and give him a wake-up call. It is NOT OKAY to do this! : (9 votes)
    6 %
    Seriously consider whether this fault could unravel your relationship : (43 votes)
    27 %
    Do a trial separation, let him know this won't be tolerated : (22 votes)
    14 %
    Break it off and leave him in the dust, he's a liar : (56 votes)
    35 %
    Why did you even make that request in the first place??? : (7 votes)
    4 %
  • Post # 17
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  Oh, this was so hard to read – not because it wasn’t well written, but because it broke my heart and was all too familiar. I have ridden the rollercoaster of lies and addiction – my brother was an addict for 12 years before hanging himself in October 2010. I swore that I would never become involved with someone who did any form of illegal drug, and I have stuck to it. 

     

    Now, that being said – the issue here is that you set a boundary (no drug use) but then blurred the line by allowing him to smoke once a month. For many people, not everyone, they have a hard time moderating drug use to one per month. This gray area seems to have given him the confidence to go further into his drug use, figuring you’ll forgive him when you find out. 

     

    He lied to you, kept secrets from you, and worst of all did it with someone in your own family. If you were already married, or even engaged, I’d probably suggest some counseling to discuss the broken trust in your relationship But since you aren’t yet at that point, I’m sorry to say that my advice would be to end it now. If he’s taking these liberties now, the odds are more than likely that he will continue to abuse drugs in the future. Statistics don’t lie. 

     

    I wish you all the luck in the world, and I hope that you have better luck next time. Be strong in your limits – no drug use means no drug use, period. 

    Post # 18
    Member
    172 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  Me again. I know it must be hard to read everyone’s comments telling you need to dump this guy. I get it. Two years is a long enough time where you really form an intimate relationship with someone. You know them, you love them, you imagine your future together. Everything else is so right. It’s really, really difficult.

    You think he’s cut down, but how do you know? And even if he has, he has no problem going behind your back and lying to you.  When you’re imagining your future with him, you can’t imagine that he’ll be any different, because you don’t know that he will. Nothing in his actions have shown you that he’s working towards wanting to change. All you know is how is he now. This is what you have to base your future on. Can you imagine being with this version of him, forever? The person who lies to you, goes behind your back, doesn’t respect you or your boundaries?

    Ultimately, it’s your relationship and no one can tell you what to do. But you came on here looking for advice, and I think the general advise is: He either needs to show you (telling you isn’t going to cut it anymore because you can’t believe anything he says) that he’s willing to get rid of this habit by going to rehab/couples counselling so you both can try and build back trust and also build back your relationship. I’m not even sure if this is something either of you are even willing to do.  Or you need to leave. At some point, his actions are going to turn you into a person that you don’t like (someone who snoops, constantly argues, always mad and negative etc) I’ve been in a relationship that brought out the worse parts of me before, and never again will I go through that.

    At the end of the day, how can you possible build a future with someone you don’t trust? 

    Post # 19
    Member
    841 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  If he is a good person in every other way I’d seriously just let it go. If your brother was like 13 I’d think it was a bigger deal but I’m a bit unsure of why you asked him not to buy off your brother in the first place since he is an adult. Honestly I’m sure everyone will disagree with me, and maybe it’s because I really disagree with calling someone who smokes sometimes “a drug addict” (it’s like calling someone who drinks socially an alcoholic – just straight up not true). I wouldn’t end my relationship over this. If you were asking him not to drink and drive and he lied about that all the time I’d think that was worth dumping him over but to me this isn’t that big of a deal. I would just honestly give up on this one and move on.

    Post # 20
    Member
    474 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    What you need to do is decide to set a clear line, just as PP have said.  Either you allow it, or you don’t.  If you don’t, more then likely, he will continue to lie and sneak around, then you have a decision to make.  If you do, then expect that you do and expect the consequences of it.

    Post # 21
    Member
    6117 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  

     

    Paragraphs and commas – I will read it!

    OK I read it.  I was married to a pothead.  He made stupid decisions, and had to smoke everyday before going to work – this was after about being together 3 years.  Hello?  Who the hell brings pot on a plane 40 days after 911????  In JFK airport nonetheless?  On a carry on?  My idiot boyfriend did.  I was the idiot for marrying him despite all these signs.  At first I was OK with it, he was actually nicer to me while high.  Everything else with us clicked at that point, so I overlooked it.  Then he wanted to grow it in our house.  Smoke it daily.  Deal with shady people to get more.  I protested, voice my concerns, worries, but he ignored me.  Called me the Fun Police!!  He grew it and sold it.  I was constantly paranoid!

    Do yourself a HUGE favor and just rip the bandaid off now.  You have talked yourself blue in the face about how it’s not acceptable for your relationship – YET YOU HAVE NOT FOLLOWED THROUGH.  Girl, it’s time to stop talking and start walking.  If it’s your deal breaker, which you sound like it is, then you have to do yourself a favor and leave him behind.

    You can love the wrong person, love is never enough.  You want to be with someone you accept and love just as they are right NOW – not what they would be like after a few life changing modifications.  He’s already showing you he’s not going to stop smoking weed and he will be dishonest so he can continue it.

    He may plead and beg and promise.  Don’t take it.  You’ve seen his promises already.

    Deal breaker.

     

    (NOTE: I don’t think casual weed smokers are addicted, but as you can see my situation leads to a lot of hang ups about weed in general).

    Post # 23
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  Thanks. But the bigger issue here is the breach of trust. And honestly, people who do drugs have a tendency to lie. Can you live with that for (potentially) the rest of your life? Wondering if he’s using again? Wondering if he’s hiding something?

    Post # 24
    Member
    6117 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  

    When Your Lover Is a Liar: Healing the Wounds of Deception and Betrayal is a great book. Its by Susan Forward.

    It  goes over little white lies, lies of omission, big lies, everything in between and then what to do.  It’s an easy read.  Go find it at the library.

     

    Post # 25
    Member
    253 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  Had another thought – is he going to be drug tested for this new job? I’m not sure how it works in Canada but in the US many jobs drug test you before hiring, and marijuana is one of the drugs they test for. 

    Post # 26
    Member
    172 posts
    Blushing bee
    • Wedding: June 2015

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  And yet, he still contacts your brother. After you’ve asked him numerous times not to. And went behind your back to do it. And told your brother not to tell you! I can’t even imagine my SO doing this. And no way would my brother lie to me about it, either!

    Ugh, there’s just no trust or respect, IMO.

    Post # 27
    Member
    2362 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2013 - B&B

    “He texted back “Please don’t give me a hard time, I’m stressed enough as it is. You just gave me an anxiety attack and now I’m depressed.” …. Like I’M the one who did something awful.

     

    Um, this is where I would have a huge problem…. this was his response?  You have had to confront him MULTIPLE times now about him blatantly LYING to you!!! And when you confront him again he tries to turn it back on YOU.

    I have a HUGE problem with that.  I’m sorry but he needs a very clear wake up call.  I can understand if you don’t quite want to walk away from the situation yet but he needs to really truly understand that if you DO give him another chance it is his very last one. LAST. ONE. And that the way he handled his response to you was NOT ok.

    Post # 28
    Member
    6117 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: August 2012

    @Sunnyday278:  Ditto!  The response is a red flag in itself!  He’s blame shifting, making you feel bad for bringing it up.  Not good.

    Post # 31
    Member
    1146 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @KhaleesiStormborn:  This guy sounds really immature, disrespectful and untrustworthy. I could go into all the specifics of your situation with this particular guy, the implications on drugs/weed, but i think previous posters will have that covered. I also think deep down you already know the truth and answers to this. So, I’m going to give you a different take on all of this.

    For me personally, my mid-late 20s were PRIME “man-meeting” time. At that time I was just coming into your own as a grown, independent woman who really knew herself. I was young & unencumbered enough to have really broad appeal in the dating pool, I wasn’t tied down to anything yet, free to continue to grow and just be me, etc etc. So like I said, PRIME. The short of it: DON’T WASTE THAT TIME ON A GUY LIKE THIS.

    You’re about to do something really amazing (the China thing) and that experience will shape you and lead to who knows what. You’re going to meet SO many new people, experience so many things….do you REALLY have time do deal with a manchild who spends time, energy and money attaining things like “weed crystals” and conspires with your own brother to keep secrets from you? Not to mention, a person who finds it acceptable to take the risks involved with buying and selling drugs.

    You’re about to travel to a new place, I wouldn’t want to partner on that endeavor with or depend for anything on someone would repeatedly texts the phrase “Don’t tell Ashley, she’ll freak” to anyone. NOT TO MENTION turns things around on you when you come to him with a completely valid concern? That’s not loving you. Ha, I said I wasn’t going to comment on specifics, but I digress.

    You sound like a really amazing gal who has an amazing life ahead of her. It’s too short to deal with this, and typically things like this get worse before they get better. I KNOW it doesn’t apply to every man, so no offense to the bees with solid 25-year-old male partners, but he’s 25. This very likely means has a lot more growing up to do, especially to catch up to the same mindset you’re in. His behavior thus far indicates he doesnt have any intention to change this anytime soon, nor does he respect you enough to force a speed-up of that process. In fact, he has already been shown that there are minimal repurcussions of his deciet and continued behavior, so why WOULD he change it?

    Take this prime time in your life to live it to the fullest. Just because this guy is better than your exes doesn’t mean he’s right, or the best man for you. You learned from those past guys, and made a better choice with the current one. You can do that again, taking what you learned from this relationship and making an even better choice next time. You have the power to choose what kind of man you stake your life on, and you don’t have to choose one like this!

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