(Closed) what would you do? say? I'm Lost

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 3
Member
364 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

1) I doubt it is his intention to use emotional blackmail to manipulate you. However, things were bound to change with the distance and the conditions. It sounds more like the time apart has altered how the two of you communicate and you need to put more effort into getting that back on track. Honestly I’d react the same way as he did about the whole smoking thing. If you are a smoker a few cigarettes aren’t a big deal but to someone who doesn’t smoke they are.

2) I wouldn’t expect a proposal by the end of the year. Yes you quit smoking and that was a requirement he gave you… but your relapse brings your trust worthiness into question. And trust is not easily regained. I don’t think re-quitting smoking is going to do the trick.

3) Try to hold off until the end of the year. Then you’ll either have gotten you proposal or be able to ask him upfront why his plans changed.

P.S. that is quite the novel you have written there.

Post # 4
Member
646 posts
Busy bee

As an ex-smoker it actually kinda upsets me that he seems to be using the fact that you picked back up against you. He should be more supportive and not telling you that he lost trust in your because of it. I know that is such a small drop in the bucket you are dealing with, but that really stuck out to me

 

Post # 5
Member
1404 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Woah ok that took me a while. My advice to you is this… wait until the end of the year and see what, if anything, changes. Has there been a proposal? Has there been a discussion regarding getting engaged/married? Do you both feel strongly about a future together? If you answer no to any or all of these, I’d recommend you rethink your relationship with this man. You shouldn’t be expected to wait around for someone if your plans and theirs do not follow the same path. Good luck and let us know how you go.

Post # 7
Member
1579 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013 - Country Club

Hugs!! I actually read the whole book, and I also think that it’s cruel of him to use the cigarettes  against you. When you are addicted to nicotine, it’s hadd to quit cold turkey. 

i do agree with the other bees That you should wait to the end of the year.

Post # 8
Member
90 posts
Worker bee

@Hope1985:  If woman had the answer for that….the idea of heartache wouldn’t exist.

Post # 9
Member
7293 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2011

I’m not sure how many relationships he has been (his past) in but he really seems to be expressing in many ways that he is not ready yet.

Smoking issues may have been a convenient incident for him to buy himself more time, pinning issues on your or he could be extremely genuine and had really been hurt by what you did. I don’t know him, so you need to use your gut on this one! What do you really feel is going on?

Is he struggling with military life or adjusting to deployments and being home?

I highly suggest couples counseling, as you too have been through your shit so to speak when he was absent and I’m sure him the same.

What stuck out at me the most was: “he then said that if I hadnt insisted ( which I hadnt) on going up with him to his parents house then he would be able to talk to his father and his brother in law about how do you know if the girl you are with is the one to marry…

I feel like he needs to know from his own heart, not from family advice. I’m not saying its wrong to have heart to hearts or share things with your loved ones, but Its worrisome that he appears clueless to his feelings.

How about you, do you feel that his is the one to marry? Do you have any doubts? Or have you known for a while that this is the guy? Obviously no relationship is all rainbows and glitter-as you will fight and have some issues with the one you love for life, so again, trust your gut!

Sorry you are going through this, keep us updated and I’m hoping for the best for you!

Post # 10
Member
511 posts
Busy bee

If he loves you unconditionally, having a couple of smokes when you are stressed shouldn’t be a deal breaker. Granted you didn’t tell him but seriously, it’s not like he caught you kissing someone else.

It sounds to me as if he’ll only propose when you behave a certain way, and that is conditional and controlling.  Be the best person that you want to be and if it falls into place, hreat.  If not, maybe he’s not the right guy for you.

Post # 11
Member
228 posts
Helper bee

I think being upset about smoking is valid, but (with blaming you for going to his parebts’ and then insisting you go) it also sounds like he is finding ways to blame you for him not proposing when he really just isn’t ready yet. I don’t think he is being intentionally cruel but he is being immature and selfish to make you question yourself like that to get around owning up to his own feelings. I think coupled counseling will help you two communicate, and will help him communicate honestly. He definitely needs more time, but I don’t know if time alone will change things.

Post # 12
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I would have reacted just the same as he did to your smoking. Sorry if this is harsh but I’m trying to give an honest through process to what he was thinking/feeling:

1) I thought that you were working on it and in fact, you told me that you had quit

2) I could probably tell that you were doing it out of spite and it hurts me that you are so childish when we are trying to talk about marriage

3) You LIED I was so happy and so PROUD when you said that you had quit. You have not quit, you started again. Now I have to go through the whole supporting-you-while-you-quit thing all over again. It’s tiring!

About Marriage:

From the outside looking in I really think that when he asked you about the future he was looking for guidance. If you hadn’t talked marriage/kids before then he was really looking to see where you were at. How many kids? How soon? Should we get married? Do you want to do that soon? When is a good time?

Instead, you were cagey and used flowery language and he didn’t understand it. All he knew is that he didn’t know what do think yet, so that’s what he said. I don’t think that he meant to shut you down I think that you didn’t give him much guidance so he didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know where he stood.

You should be happy to talk openly about everything in a relationship and you weren’t open so he didn’t know how to proceed. 

If you haven’t now had an open conversation about everything you want (both of you) in the future then I really think that that does need to happen.

Perhaps get the both of you to write down specific questions which you’d like an answer too regards to the other’s thoughts for the future (where to live, how many kids, deployment again? etc etc). Answer both your questions and his and perhaps write them all down and exchange them. 

Yes, this will make you vulnerable, but you should trust this man enough to allow yourself to be in that situation. If he turns around a burns you, well, you have your answer. 

Post # 13
Member
196 posts
Blushing bee

@mrssoontobeh:  +1

I smoked when I met my SO, quit for a while, picked it back up for a bit. He is totally against it and at first was hurt by me picking it back up, but then realized he needed to be more supportive and help me through quitting. It is so hard to do, especially when it is always all around you!

And I also agree that he really needs to know for himself whether you are the one for him.

I know a couple years seems long, but waiting until the end of the year is only 2.5 months from now, so I would just try and focus on other things until then, like maybe working on your communication together?

Post # 14
Member
9 posts
Newbee

I can’t say anything about his seemingly doubt about marrying you but I’d like to provide what he may be feeling about the smoking part because I was in his shoes at one point.

 

The guy I’m with is awesome. Maybe someday I will marry him. His smoking is something that held me back from being serious about the relationship. I hate it and he knows it. When I first got together with him it was purely for fun and smoking was not a problem since marriage wasn’t even in the equation. Things happen and we got close and then we became exclusive and a ‘couple’.

 

I hate smoking. I hate it when people smoke. However, I never say anything to friends/co-workers because it’s not my place to have a say on what they do with their lives. However, I was CLEAR about not wanting it in my life.

 

He knows that I will not marry a smoker and will in fact divorce someone if they picked up smoking. It’s as serious as cheating in my books and a deal breaker. He can definitely smoke if he wants to, but we’d be parting ways. So we had the discussion and he decides to quit because *it is also what he wants*. That is important.

 

Of course he failed and took up smoking again. To me, (and probably to your bf), taking up smoking meant that you don’t actually care so much about the relationship. You’d rather smoke than work towards being a married couple. You picked smoking over him.

 

Anyways, that’s how it went in my mind. He went on and quit 6 more times and right now he’s at almost a year of no smoking but I don’t *trust* him to stay quit anymore. I cannot rely on him to put our relationship first.

Post # 15
Member
3645 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@sidewalks:  So glad that you put another perspective on the smoking. This is exactly what I was trying to say but I think you did it much better than I did. 

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