- 8 years ago
I can’t believe I even have to write this post, so confused. A bit of a backstory, so bear with me. Sorry it’s so long.
I am a newlywed, and the beginning of our marriage has been absolutely amazing, I have pretty much no complaints. My husband is wonderful, is better to me than I deserve to be honest. We’ve been together for almost 10 years, since we gradauted high school. The reason I am writing this post is I stumbled unintentionally on something last night that threw me for a loop.
I was just messing around on the computer, wasting time since DH has a friend from out of town visiting. DH walks over and shows me this family picture someone sent him in a Facebook message recently (in his Facebook acct). He walks away as I am looking at said picture. This is where I 100% made a mistake and accept responsibilty, and is what is leading me to this post. After I click out of the picture, I scroll through some of his recent messages on Facebook, just being bored and nosey. (for the record, we’ve shared passwords for Facebook and email for years, not as a condition or anything, but to get into each others account if say he had to use my Amazon acct, etc. Both of our email accounts and such are usually logged in at the computer, so we’ve just always been transparent, though I don’t think either of us has really used it to snoop.) So just glancing through messages, and the message window shows a preview of the text of the message. The message that caught my eye is this:
“Does she know you are bi?”
This message is from a guy that DH or I haven’t seen or talked to in probably 6 years, a college friend from before DH transferred to another school. The message was sent about a year ago, roughly 6 months before we got married. There was no response to it, and DH is no longer Facebook friends with the person in question. (Neither am I in fact, I had unfriended him randomly sometime in the past year since I don’t know him well and never thought I would see or talk to him again. Though he did randomly Facebook chat me once which was awkward)
So now that I saw this message, I can’t unsee it (though I wish I could) and I can’t stop thinking about it. I see a couple possibilities, and can’t decide what to do.
1) It’s true, and it’s something I have never known about DH. Just to clarify, if this were the case, it wouldn’t change how I feel about DH or our marriage, but it is something I would want to know because it changes the rules a bit I think. I love him and he is an amazing husband, but I do expect a monogamous relationship and it means possibly years of lies, and the question if I should be screened for more STDs than I have been, etc.
2) It’s a poorly delivered joke. The guy in question is kind of strange anyway, and he is from a foreign country, so possibly the humor didn’t deliver. Some of DH’s friends from high school and early college have had off-color humor before, so it wouldn’t be completely out of the question.
I’m trying to decide if I should take this random message seriously enough to ask DH about it. The thing is this isn’t someonce I trust the words of, but why would they go out of their way to send that message when DH hadn’t seen him in at least 6 years? It just seems weird. And the fact that DH didn’t respond to it leads me to believe he didn’t deem it worth his time. But he also didn’t delete the message, so it doesn’t seem like some crazy secret he is going out of his way to hide. And I have no idea if DH unfriended this guy or the other way around.
Some random googling on the subject of how to know if you partner is bi or gay gives ridiculous results, ranging from that bisexuality doesn’t exist and it’s just a gateway to being gay, or that it’s awful to force a bisexual spouse to not act out on urges they have towards the other sex, etc. And none of the “telltale signs” that I deem remotely legitimate apply to our relationship, i.e. lack of sex or a big interest in anal sex. We have sex at least 3-4 times a week (would be more but we have opposite works schedules) and we haven’t had anal sex yet, though it has been discussed as something to try. Behaviour-wise, there has never been anything to even make think for half a second that DH has any other sexual interests, though I am not convinced it’s something you can tell that way either. He’s not overly macho like he’s trying to compensate, nor remotely metrosexual/effeminate. He’s just an average, seeminly heterosexual man. In fact, I’ve always deemed him more confident in his sexuality to care what people think, for instance, he actually works in an extremely female dominated field, the type of field that homophobes often say “male XXX’s are gay.”
So my issue is, do I put enough stock in this random Facebook message to ask him about it? My biggest fears are hurting or insulting him by questioning his sexuality if it’s not true, or making him feel afraid and confronted if it is. I really really wish I could have just asked him about it immediately when I saw it last night, but as I mentioned we have company in town and it’s not a subject I want to broach in front of others. I was super freaked about it last night because I was just shell-shocked, today much less so, but still it’s eating at me. Maybe I’m still in denial, I dunno.
So Bees, let me have it. What would you do in this situation? Would you ask DH about it, or not? And please don’t suggest I leave or divorce him, that is not the point of this post and is not even on the table. Mostly I just don’t want to rock the boat or hurt him over something stupid, a bad rumor or assumption or joke.
TL;DR – would you confront your husband if a random message made it seem like he was bisexual, even from a source you don’t necessarily trust?