(Closed) What would you do? Stumbled upon message implying husband is bisexual

posted 8 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
90 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: March 2013

Well, that’s a tricky one – and all I can tell you is what *I* would do.


I would fess up to looking at his messages. In an apologetic, ‘I was just bored and browsing’ kind of way. Asyou have alread said, you can’t not think about it. 


But confront? that’s definitely the wrong mindset for me. If you trust he loves you, he understands you, then you probably already trust he would not expose you to anything harmful in the way of STDs if he *was* bi – because if he has had those kinds of encounters in the past and is sensible, he will have been tested.


Rgardless, I think it’s somthing you won’t be at peace with until you ask him. Make it clear that there is no judgement, that you would just like to know and, like you have said on here, that it makes no difference to you.


I am bisexual, and told my now FH a few months into our relationship – and he hasn’t questioned me at all. I commend you on the no-judging, god knows I’ve had  exes tell me that I’m a) just greedy or b) just not decided I’m gay/straight yet. Acceptance and understanding is key and means the most.


Best of luck 🙂 

Post # 4
3295 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

does it really matter>? i mean he is married to you. so what if he is bi? i would just ask him. no need to make a big deal out of it IMO.

Post # 5
348 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

Whoa. First off, I think you need to read up on what bisexual really means because you seem to be off base with a lot of your assumptions.  Saying  it’s ” unfair to not allow a bisexual spouse to not act out on urges they have towards the other sex” is like saying it’s unfair to expect a heterosexual spouse not to act on their urges when they’re in a relationship.


I would come clean and explain that you saw the message.

Post # 6
1880 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

Being bisexual does not mean he is less monogamous. Your comment about STDs implies that, since you say you may have to be screened for more, like he’s been cheating on you or something. Just because someone likes something sexually does not mean they NEED it, and not having sex with men while married to you is no different than him not having sex with other women while married to you.

I might bring it up but I would emphasize that it doesn’t change your relationship and you just want to know out of curiousity.

Post # 7
3941 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

Did you know this other guy well?  As in, is he gay or bisexual?

If you’ve been with your DH for 10 years, and he has met this person he was having the conversation with within that time…I would question the relationship.

This is 100% an assumption…but my mind would immediately go to why he would share this information with a fellow male friend.  I think that most men are very timid in divulging information like that to men they aren’t extremely close with.

Of course this is all assuming it wasn’t just a joke.

Post # 13
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2011

View original reply
@BagsnBooks:  That was her point. That when she googled, she found (in her words) “ridiculous results” including what you cited.

i have no advice, just wanted to point that out…

View original reply
@distracts:  I think it’s fair to be concerned about STDs. She is concerned that because he has never talked to her about it, he is hiding more from her, including potential other partners. She isn’t saying she needs to for sure, just that she wants more info in case that’s true. I see the same concern from women worried about a weird message about another woman. It’s more about the information withheld than about the potential that he is bisexual.


Post # 14
141 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

View original reply
@distracts:  Being bisexual does not mean he is less monogamous

Exactly this.  People seem to have this misconception that someone who is bisexual needs to have sex with men and women and cannot be in a monogamous relationship because they will always be lusting over not being able to be fulfilled by that other sex.

And it’s complete bull.  I’m bi and all that means is that I have the capacity for attraction in men as well as women.  It’s like I’m attracted to redheads.  I’m also attracted to brunnetes.  That doesn’t mean if I’m dating a redhead, I’m going to be uphappy in my relationship because I’m being fulfilled with a relationship with a brunnete.  

It’s just silly.  


As for what you should do.  Talk to him about it – bring it up and be certain to make it clear to him that it doesn’t change anything.  But you’re married, you’re suppose to be able to share these things with your partner. 🙂 Good luck!


Post # 15
826 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

You have to ask him about it for your own peace of mind. It doesn’t have to change anything about your relationship, but you should know one way or another.

Post # 16
9079 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Why does his sexuality matter? People can’t help what their sexuality is. Chances are that if he is Bi, he didn’t wake up and go, “Gee, I think I’ll be Bi.” You didn’t choose to be straight? Gay people don’t choose to be gay.

His sexuality won’t affect your marriage, so why bother? He married you and things are good. If he’s not cheating on you, who cares if he at one point was into other men?

I would not care if my husband was bi. He married me and that’s all I care about.

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