(Closed) What would you do? to tell or not to tell sister when starting TTC…

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2009

Definitely tell her!  It will be much harder for her to take if she’s not prepared, like if you just call and say, Surprise, I’m pregnant!

I am the older sister in this scenario although my sister and I are very close.  My sister is pregnant now am I am totally happy, but it took me knowing she was trying for awhile to fully get used to the idea since I have been trying for so long.

PM me if you want to know more!

Post # 4
Member
3943 posts
Honey bee

I havent been in that situation, but when the time comes I dont plan to tell anyone we are trying. For me, its really personal. And I dont want the added stress of people just kind of waiting for the big announcement.

I would just wait until your pregnant and then tell your sister in private, since she could have a whole range of emotions about it.

Post # 5
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Ahh, I’m in such a similar situation. My older sister has been TTC for 4 years, and has had 5 miscarriages. She has also made the comments of: You better not get pregnant before I do! I should have the first grandchild! Can you believe so and so is pregnant – the nerve! Etc, etc, etc. She is super competitive and jealous. Our sister sound exactly the same! I think it’s an older sibling thing.

Darling Husband and I decided not to tell her (or anyone for that matter) that we are TTC. My reason is mostly because of her, though. I don’t want to deal with the backlash it would cause. I don’t want to deal with her not speaking to me or however she is going to react to it. It is very hard for her to comprehend that life is not a race or a competition, and she would and will take it so personally if we are pregnant before her.  I feel that at least once it’s after the fact, it will be done and nothing can be done about it. Hopefully she will cut me some slack (or others will tell her to) since I will be pregnant and won’t need the extra stress. I can only hope.

My honest opinion is to keep it to yourself for now until there’s something to share. It’s easier on everyone that way. Once you are pregnant, you can approach it in a much more civil and calm way, and she’ll hopefully have the sense not to lash out on you! And hopefully, she may be pregnant herself by then! Basically, you need to be happy on your own timeline. Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
7403 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I’m sorry for your sisters struggles, but @MrsMaine: makes some great points. I think TTC is a personal matter between you and your Darling Husband.

Post # 7
Member
5572 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

Usually I don’t think that anyone else other than you and Darling Husband need to know when you TTC but in this situation I honestly would tell her. I think that it would be easier for her to ease her way into the idea of you getting pregnant if you tell her that you are TTC. She may not even be thinking about the possibility and I think the shock of finding out once you’re pregnant would be more upsetting to her if she had no idea that you were even trying. It’s really natural for her to feel like it’s unfair/be angry when other women get pregnant, it happens to a lot of us.  I do think that it will be a little different and she’ll be more positive about it since you are her sister but I think that if you’re open with her from the  beginning it’ll be easier for her to deal with. I know that if I was her in this situation I would have an easier time with it if I knew.

Also, she’s probably a wealth of information about TTC-related things so it would be nice to have someone close to you that you can go to if you have any questions or struggles.

Post # 8
Member
7173 posts
Busy Beekeeper

My BFF was in this situation with her sister.  My friend had been TTC for 3 years and her sister got preggo (they were trying and she knew).  She was genuinely happy for her. 

I have another friend that has been TTC for 10 years, and news of other women getting pregnant brings her to tears.  It makes her feel that something is wrong with her vs. any sort of animosity towards the person geting pregnant.

I would casually mention that you guys are TTC and leave it at that.  I wouldn’t call her specifically to tell her that — but just bring it up the next time you guys do talk.

 

 

Post # 9
Member
1660 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

I am older than my sister by 4 years. She got married two years ago and while I was over the moon happy for her, the news stung a bit as I had been waiting for a couple years to get married myself. It had nothing to do with her and everything to do with me feeling bad about myself. I felt a little like I was moving closer to becoming the “old maid” sister!  I never said anything to her and eventually I got over it. I helped her plan her whole wedding (which actually helped me to feel better) and it was a wonderful bonding experience.

About a year after they got married, my sister told me they were TTC. Even though I wasn’t married or TTC, I’d been wanting to be a mom for a very long time, and again the news was exciting but also hit me in the gut. I was starting to feel very depressed, as literally all my friends were married with kids, and now my sister would be too…

HOWEVER, I will say that it was super, super, helpful for me that she told me in confidence that she was TTC. I was the only one in our family that she told and that meant a lot to me. It was our fun little secret. She didn’t tell my parents until she got her BFP 4 or 5 months later. By that time, I had adjusted to the idea and was 95% estatic, 5% sad at the news. However, she miscarried 2 months later and I felt AWFUL for her.  I talked to her nearly every day during the next 4 or 5 months she was TTC. She FINALLY got pregnant again 12 weeks before my wedding and I was thrilled!!! I’d been on the phone with her many days when she POAS, and had seen the turmoil she’d gone through with each BFN. I am SO excited for her and also excited to be an aunt. I love how much we’ve been able to bond over this whole experience. She is super anxious for me to start TTC and has been sharing all kinds of helpful info with me…

I think you should do whatever you’re most comfortable doing. If you don’t mind sharing with her that you’re TTC, I think it might help to give her some time to process the news before you’re KU. You certainly don’t have to, but I think it would be kind to give her the heads up. Please try to remember that it’s possible to feel two things at once – she may feel estatic for you AND sad for herself. If she doesn’t react the way you hope at first, try not to take it personally! You said that you guys aren’t that close, but maybe you guys can still support one another while you both TTC?

ETA: If you decide not to tell her in advance, you may want to tell her privately when you are preggers, rather than announcing it at a party or something. However, it sounds like you are already being sensitive to your sister’s feeling, so I doubt you would do this anyway!Sorry that was so long!

Post # 10
Member
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

I would tell her as well, you don’t know if it will be a quick or lengthy process for you, if it is quick, then you at least gave her a heads up to get used to the idea, so you don’t blindside her with a pregnancy announcement, and if it takes a long time, who better than your sister, who is going through the same thing to be your ally?

Post # 11
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

I am the older sister and I have fertility issues, so maybe this could give you some insight into her “side.” Even if just a little, as I am not her.

I think you should tell her. I think if she were prepared or at least semi-expecting the announcement it would make it so much easier for you both at least on the outside. Will she have her own feelings about HER lack of pregnancy to work through? Yes. She will. And your expectations should honestly be non-existent when it come to her immediate reactions. But do I think she will genuinely be happy for you if you announce a pregnancy? Yes. I think she’ll be better capable of those reactions if she has had some time to mentally prepare.

Being unable or having difficulty conceiving is a complicated issue that I hope you never have to understand. I’ve said this many times before on infertility questions. She may be hurt, she may feel pain – but do not assume it’s out of jealousy of YOU. It’s not. It’s of jealousy of something you CAN do and she may not be able to do. It’s because she feels incapable of something she wants desperately. It’s not because you’re first – it’s because she may never even get to be ranked. She could be never. It’s not something easily understood, but if she is anything like most women I know with these issues, she WILL be happy for you. Her feelings may be harder to get through, but she will undoubtedly be genuinely happy for you, even if she has to work harder to get to that point.

Post # 12
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2010

My sister and I are less than 2 years apart and I totally understand that sister relationship dynamic. Personally, I really don’t think it’s something you need to disclose to her yet, and it’s just added pressure. TTC is something that can take 1 month or 1 year, or longer, you just don’t know. I’d wait until it happens for you and then I’d make sure to tell her first, gently. Perhaps by then she will have had some success, too, and won’t have been stressed out that you’ll “beat her to the punch” in the meantime while she’s still in a difficult TTC process herself. If however, you happen to have one of those deep sister conversations before you get your BFP, and she brings something up that you feel like sharing your own TTC journey would help, or it’s just the right time to have that conversation, I’d say go for it. 

Post # 13
Member
2792 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

It seems that the Bee is as split on this issue as you are! Looks like all the older siblings are saying tell her, and most of the younger ones are saying keep it to yourself!

Post # 14
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

I honestly don’t entirely get why people feel the need to announce that they are trying to have a baby. It seems like such a personal thing, and like it would add pressure to “perform” so to speak. I just wouldn’t tell her, especially if she’s been having her own troubles TTC.

Post # 16
Member
6892 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Ah well, if you choose to keep it yourself, just be aware that her initial reaction may be less than you’ll want it to be. Something to be aware and conscious of.

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