(Closed) What would you have done???

posted 10 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Bee
1048 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2009 - City Hall

I don’t have sisters, so any advice I offer would be hypothetical. But i HATE that spoiled, me-me-me attitude most teenage girls have (I had it myself). I probably would have done EXACTLY what you did. Do I think that’s the right thing to do? No, probably not. Once your sisters outgrow the angsty-teen ‘tudes, it’d be nice to look back on those memories together. If you can reconcile this, I think you should. Also, find out what they ARE wanting in terms of bridesmaid-ware. Obviously you don’t have to give in to any weird teenager looks that you don’t like, but maybe you can at least get an idea of what they like, and use that to help them find some kind of compromise. It’s not necessary to have your sisters and your other maids have the same exact dress either – if they coordinate, it’d still look great and would set your sisters apart a little.

Post # 5
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

My sister is younger than I am and at the age your sisters are, we did not get along – AT ALL.  I completely understand how you feel.  They’re your sisters, so you love them, but your BM’s are your girls – the ones you can vent to and cut up with.

What about talking to your sisters – minus the emotion and stress – tell them you love them and you want them to be a part of things, but this is your day.   

Is there some other "duty" they could carry out?  Like guestbook table or gifts or a reading?  You could ask that they coordinate with the wedding party colors, but they can pick their own outfits.  Maybe this will satisfy your mom and them too.  I would totally try to explan to your mom that you want to honor what she’s "asking" but that sacrificing your own sanity is not an option.

Good luck and I hope it all works out!

Post # 6
Member
626 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

I probably would have done the same thing too.  Ya, they’re your sisters and you should love them and respect them and .. bla bla bla…  They’re your bratty little sisters. They drive you crazy, throw tempertatrums, and don’t respect you the way your friends would.  Personally I have little brothers whom are now both adults but I know I’ve been through some ups, downs, and giant brawls with them.  You’re probably going to have to rectify the situation or you’ll possibly sacrifice any future adult healthy relationship with your sisters. 

Try taking them out without your mom and explaining the situation to them.  Sounds like maybe your mom spoils them and you would be better off without her there.  Tell them you love them but that this is your wedding that you are spending xyz amount of money and time on and you were afraid they would’t support you in this huge undertaking and when they reacted the way they did in DB you felt hurt.  

Maybe instead of BM’s they could be guest book attendants or something.  This way thier dress choice wouldn’t matter.  You could tell them that you still want them in your wedding but that you hadn’t wanted them to be bridesmaids because you didn’t thing they would be able to participate in all of the activities Bridesmaid or Best Man plan and attend (like the bachelorette party). But if they would still be there only as the "guest book attendentants (or whatever)" it would make you so happy and that then they would have a lot more freedom in what kind of dress they could wear.  

Post # 7
Member
2640 posts
Sugar bee

Well, I see that you are 20.  (And you said they are 16 and 18.)  I read once that the peak of sibling rivalry is between siblings that are born 2 years apart.  I don’t know if that can be entirely true.  But the reasoning is that if siblings are closer in age (say 1 year), they tend to feel as if life never existed without each other, and rivalry might not be as bad because the older sibling isn’t feeling the need to get back the attention they lost with the second baby.  And as siblings get further apart in age, well rivalry decreases because they are on different levels with their needs and interests etc, which makes it a bit more difficult to compete. 

My point?  You are at this height of bickering, during the teenage years, not to mention you are all girls.   Often times, siblings who fight when they are young grow very close once they are adults.  (And I hope this doesn’t sound mean, but at 20, you’re not finished growing yet, either.)  You’re the only one who can really decide if they should be in the wedding.  Maybe they shouldn’t simply based on being 16 and 18 and that being sisters, you all fight…. But you might want to consider that your relationships could grow closer in the future.  Maybe looking back you’ll regret not having them as BMs.  When I hear about sisters fighting, I always wish they can work it out.  Sisters are very dear.  I wish I had one.

As for guest book attendant,  if that’s something you think is a nice job, it sounds like a nice compromise.  If it’s not something that is typically done or a big deal in your parts, I think it’s trouble.  My 2 cents, I wouldn’t feel honored to be guestbook attendant, and would turn it down, especially if being demoted from Bridesmaid or Best Man. 

Post # 8
Member
86 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

I can definitely understand why you got upset in this situation and did what you did.  It’s unfortunate that your sisters had to take that attitude with you about something for YOUR wedding. 

That being said, I have a sister that’s about 2 years younger than me.  We used to fight more when we were younger, but we have really grown to be friends over the past few years.  16 and 18 are rough ages for teenage girls (we were all there once) and emotions are high, low, and everywhere in between.  You may have your fights and your low points with one another, but as the others have said, you might regret not having them as a part of your wedding. 

 And as for the dresses, I say ask their opinions.  You may never know, they might surprise you.  They may just be having a hard time with all of this because you are getting married, you are starting a new chapter of their life, and you are the center of attention for this.  Maybe if they feel like more of a part of it and included, they would be more likely to cooperate.

I would probably lean away toward making them guestbook attendants instead.  As Tanya123 said above, it may look like they were being demoted.  If you still think you would want them in your wedding, try sitting down with them and talking it through.  Hopefully, you’ll be able to reconcile this and they will be able and willing to be a part of your day.

Post # 9
Member
2434 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2008

I would never have caved to my mom’s demands in the first place.

At least now you’re off the hook and the choice for them not to participate was theirs and not yours!

Just tell you mom, "Remember what happened at DB- the attitudes, the rude behavior, the stubbor refusal to cooperate and go with the flow?  That’s why I didn’t want them in the wedding in the first place!"

Post # 10
Member
752 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

As the younger sister (by 12 years) in our sibling dynamic, I know that little sisters sometimes don’t know when they’re being terrible brats. It sounds like your sisters were being really demanding and difficult, and they do need to understand that you’re not trying to choose a bridesmaid dress that they aren’t going to like INTENTIONALLY, but it’s your wedding and you’d like a certain aesthetic that they don’t necessarily have to agree with. When they have their weddings, everything will be according to their aesthetics.

I will say that I would have been very hurt to have been excluded from either of my siblings’ weddings, and while it’s understandable that you want your friends at your side when you wed, try to remember that weddings are also about family. 

Could you still include your sisters (maybe after a sit-down conversation about all of your wants, needs, and expectations – and theirs – for the wedding process)? I’m not talking giving them a list of bridezilla demands, here. More of a chance to talk about the support you’ll need from them, and how that might mean wearing a dress that they wouldn’t normally choose for themselves for you (you’d do the same for them, right?). I’m sure they want to be part of your day, and if you have any kind of healthy relationship with them (or want  one), this could be the olive branch that keeps things going smoothly.

I hope that helps! Good luck!

 

Post # 11
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Ugh, this is eactly the situation I was trying to avoid by not having a bridal party.  Between my Fi and I we have 6 sisters.  I just told them that we didn’t want a bridal party, and we’d love to include them in the wedding in other ways.  Our two oldest sisters (30 and 27) are doing readings.  For everyone else, I just offerred to buy them a manicure/pedicure the day before. 

Obviously you can’t cancel your whole wedding party, but since your sisters already backed out, maybe you can keep the peace by encouraging them to participate in bridal party events?  Like if you’re going to the nail or hair salon, you could invite them along.  Or maybe you could even have them get ready with you and your girls the day of the wedding or join the bachelorette party (if it’s age appropriate).  I got a little flack for not having my sisters be bridesmaids, but I just made the excuse that I want them to enjoy the party and not have to worry about all those attendant/bridesmaid duties.  Plus, distracting them with presents and pampering helped a lot. 

Post # 12
Member
1276 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I don’t mean to sound condescending, but I do think you’ll regret not including them later on.  You are only a few years removed from having lived in the same house as your sisters, and I suspect that a lot of the old sibling rivalry is still fresh.  But I think in a few more years you will look back and feel that your sisters’ are a really important part of your life and you may regret not having them in the wedding party.  That said I think it would drive me nuts to have two teenagers crabbing on about their dresses, but maybe as the older sister you can see that maybe this is a reflection of the fact that it is a really big deal to them too.  they are probably so excited about your wedding and being a part of it, that they want to look their best as well. 

B/c she is pregnant, my sister has also been very difficult about picking out dresses etc.  But honestly, she’s my sister and I have to look at it from the long term perspective.  A little extra irritation now is not worth damaging the relationship.  B/c I do think that if they are not in your wedding it is something that will fester with them for a while.  Esp. given their reaction to finding out you didn’t want them as BM’s, they were obviously hurt by this news.

I think relationships between sisters are very complicated, so I totally get where you were coming from.  But I would also suggest you think about this when you’ve had some space to yourself and consider it in terms of your long term relationship with your sisters.  I don’t know all your family dynamics so I can’t say for sure what’s right, but I think it’s worth considering for the long term. 

Post # 13
Member
5822 posts
Bee Keeper

First, let me say this:

"Women do not hold grudges…they collect them." ~Me

What does that mean?  That no matter what, your sisters will always be hurt that you told them you didn’t want them in your bridal party.  Even in 10 years when it’s all in the past, that little part of them will say "Why didn’t she want me there?"

I think you should say (even if it isn’t true) that your mom strong-armed you into making them bridesmaids, but that you thought they would have more fun NOT being in the wedding party.  Tell them that you wanted them to enjoy the day too, and being a bridesmaid isn’t all that fun (as they found out at DB!).  Tell them you love them, tell them you WANT them at your wedding and can’t imagine the day without them.  Tell them what you REALLY meant was that you didn’t want them to have to deal with being a bridesmaid, which sucks, instead of having fun at the wedding, and you were REALLY mad at your mom that day, not at them.  EVEN IF IT ISN’T TRUE.  Because in the end, saying you don’t want them with you hurts, and girls…well we just don’t get over it.  (I say all of this having been on the hurting end of a similar battle!)

And from now on…don’t let your mom dictate what you will do.  You may be 20 years old, but you are an adult who can make her own decisions, and your mom will have to learn that sooner rather than later!  I’ve learned to TELL my mom what I’m doing, and not ask for advice.  Because otherwise my MOB-zilla will TELL me what I should do, and expect me to do it.  Nuh uh.  Not for my wedding!

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