(Closed) what would you think?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
Member
2321 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

Aww hun!! First of all –> *hugs*

I think that you have better chances of finding someone whom you click with the way you want to. There are guys out there who will want to keep you.

If he is scared you will leave him, his subconscious mind will work really hard to make that fear come true. It’s known to happen.

If you do not have really strong feelings for him, or if you have just been together recently, then please go out there and date some more men. I think that will put things in perspective for you.

Post # 4
Member
1278 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2012

sorry to hear about you situation….

sending you good vibes your way and lots of hugs…

Now for the advice part- please don’t let him take you down on his misery train…you have so much to offer someone who will appreciate you and love you…also realize that he has children and a man with children (if he’s a good man) will always put his children first…trust me I know…99.9% of my previous relationships were with men with children and one day my older brother sat me down and basically made me realize that I was dating men that would never put me first, and that I deserved to be put first, therefore I am telling you the same.  Never settle for being 2nd best in anyways life. Please, before the point of no return…you should just walk away…run away more like it…it will only get worse…he seems like he is on self-destruct mode and you don’t need to be in a toxic environment…

Hope I didn’t come off as preachy…but every girl deserves her prince and he doesn’t seem to be your prince….

Good luck!

Post # 5
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: February 2013

Hugs to you!

Here’s a perspective from HIS point of view: He is afraid you will leave him because you are doing something wrong and not making him feel secure. I know what he’s thinking. I used to be the same way with men. I would push them away before they had a chance to leave me. But why did I feel that way? I mean, I’m happy and safe in a healthy relationship now, so why was I feeling this way then? Because the man made me. He was either distant, cold, confusing or hurtful. Guess what? He wasn’t distant, cold, confusing or hurtful. He was just not a perfect match for me! 

Many of those men went on to marry or find another woman and are happy now. As I am happy now. But they were definitely wrong for me. What I saw as flaws (and didn’t hesitate to point out to them) were usually met with “What the hell are you talking about? You know I love you!” But the way they showed me love was not enough. They made me feel insecure because we clashed. Our personalities clash. I was never afraid with my fiance now. He never made me feel like he put me at a distance, was never cold, confusing nor hurtful. I was able to relax and believe him when he told me he loved him and now we are engaged.

So what I’m trying to tell you is that if your fiance has a flaw, it’s insecurity and not enough courage to just tell you: “You make me feel x. I dno’t want to feel x. I want to feel y.” Instead, he pushes you away and hopes that you will soon leave him because he’d rather that, then saying that statement out loud to you.

I hope this helps.

You have to now choose if you are strong enough to walk away and find someone more compatible with you, or if you if feel like you can stay and nurture this guy long term. Give him way more TLC than is necessary and constantly hear him either put you or himself down. What he really wants to do is find someone compatible with him. He just dosen’t want to take the blame for being the one who leaves first.

Post # 6
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

Aw, I’m really sorry. That kind of sounds like borderline personality disorder to me. Passive-aggressiveness and blaming you to guilt-trip you into staying with him and caring for him, then turning around and pouting “I don’t need you” are typical signs. He might not have the full disorder, but there’s some of it there. Definitely go see a psychologist, or leave. Your life will not be easy with this man. Sorry…

Post # 8
Member
384 posts
Helper bee

I sure wish there was an “easy” button for relationships what a great idea.  I know of someone who is borderline and I have to agree with a PP – it’s possible he’s got some of those tendances.  I just don’t think he’s trying to make you leave.  I think he just has issues.

So sorry you’re going through this.  Getting through these men and their baggage can be quite trying!!!

Post # 9
Member
748 posts
Busy bee

@tlr: I’m so sorry. There doesn’t seem to be an easy button. There’s always a lot of work to do in a relationship, but sometimes that work is realistic and sometimes it isn’t. In this case, what you’re telling confirms what I said in my previous post. What’s going on here is beyond the simple “work” you can do with him. He has to see someone, or you should leave him for your own sake. I’ve seen a lot of relationships like this, and they rarely end well unless the person with the problems actually goes to get help. I’m so sorry!!! Unfortunately psychological issues can be major and can affect the people we really love. They can definitely be treated! You just have to let the trained person do it. Good luck!

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