(Closed) What would you think if you got this invite?

posted 10 years ago in Paper
Post # 62
Member
947 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

I would be offended and I’d send them a congratulatory card.

Post # 64
Member
53 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I have never heard of this. It depends on how close I was with the bride and groom as to if I would send a gift or not. If I did chose to send a gift, I would send a gift that costs about the same amount as my plate. So for cake and punch, I would just send a card and be done with the whole thing.

 

Post # 65
Member
2828 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

That is really rude.

If I found out I was B-listed this way & that there are actually 2 receptions I definitely wouldn’t go. Especially if I had to fly/travel across the country.

I would probably send a card, but not a gift, because really, I’m bitter like that.

Post # 66
Member
228 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

View original reply
@Helstrong: I think I’m with you on this, and thinking of doing the same thing.

At my church is it very standard to have an open invite to the ceremony to the whole church. It is published in the bulletin and people understand that receptions are expensive and not everyone can be invited. A few people have a cake and punch reception in the church after the ceremony to which all are invited. It is sort of our “church culture” and no one is offended by it.

I will probably do the same thing: an open ceremony, a cake and punch for all, and then a very small dinner reception for very close friends and family only. However, anyone coming from out of town, or not from the church will for sure be invited to the dinner reception, because I do think it is unfair to expect people to incurr the cost and hassle of travel and not at least get them a good meal. I also do also realize that people from outside the church may be more likely to be offended as they aren’t familiar with my church’s customs.

So if it’s part of your “culture” and the culture of your invitees, then it could be workable, but if not, it would be worth treading lightly.

Post # 67
Member
305 posts
Helper bee

Lol @ MightySapphire. That’s too funny!  Gotta love facebook. 🙂

Um, I’d like to throw it out there that perhaps the bride in the OP’s comment was kind of working under the assumption that in these economic conditions most people wouldn’t want to travel across the country for a wedding, especially one that seems more on the unformal/untraditional side with only a cake/punch reception.  She might have figured this was an easy way to invite people she felt obligated to invite (I’m just assuming since I don’t really know what the relationship to the bride is) while assuming that most people wouldn’t actually come.  I do think the bride would have been better off just having a smaller wedding and telling people that.  I wonder if she even realizes this comes off as looking like she is soliciting gifts from Out of Town people who feel bad they can’t make it?

@Helstrong – I think your situation is completely different since you are only having your immediate family/bridal party to dinner after and not really having a second reception.  And good for you for having the wedding that you want/can afford and not going into excess debt.

Post # 68
Member
10846 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

I wouldn’t go, but I would send her a letter letting her know that I found out about the A list/B list receptions and that I was really offended and hurt. I would not send her a congratulations card or a gift. What a tactless and terrible thing to do.

@Helstrong – Ditto what everyone else said! I would not be offended to go to a wedding, a small cake and punch, and then head off when the wedding party & parents went to dinner.

Post # 69
Member
1726 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

View original reply
@Helstrong: Oh good, I’m glad you see what I meant now. 🙂 I think what you are doing is perfectly fine and I don’t think anyone will think twice about you going out to dinner with your loved ones after the reception. You shouldn’t worry about it at all!

View original reply
@bakerella: You know what? I totally agree that this is truly, the most appropriate thing to do in reaction to the situation. At first I thought sending just a card and declining the invite would be enough, but no… you are absolutely right. A letter or note explaining your feelings about how offensive their actions were (not to mention how insulting it is that they thought they could get away with it without guests finding out) is, again, the most apporpriate thing to do. Definitely.

Post # 70
Member
20 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2011

View original reply
@Helstrong:  You and I are in the same boat.  We are not having a full-blown reception and dinner for everyone is not in our budget (though we are having light hordeourvs (sp?) and cake).  All of our friends and family know our situation and understand – they are going to be there to support us through our day.  When the day starts to die down – those who want to attend will be able to join us for dinner at a local restaurant.

I think it comes down to the couple and how far their checkbook can stretch.  It may not be the norm in wedding etiquette but it’s working for us.

With that said, the A/B list is unacceptable in my book… and it would def. hurt some feelings.  We plan to be very upfront with the guests and if it doesn’t work for them, I would understand. 

Post # 71
Member
711 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

The big thing for me here was the distance. I would never invite people from across the country especially if I could not afford to give them a meal and have them participate in the whole day. That is a lot of money and time to ask of people to not want their full participation. I find it strange that someone would do that.

I would definitely just reply no. I can understand why you would be offended. I know that many brides are on a tight budget – I was one of them – but I always took into consideration the distance and comfort of my guests when trying to balance numbers and budget.

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