Post # 1
…if he loved you?
Background: I’m nearly 44. Fiance is 41. LDR, been together nearly 3 years. Engaged after 9 months. Fiance is only child…Future Father-In-Law has never liked his previous girlfriends, inlcuding an ex fiance. I’m bipolar, a Catholic and divorced. Not love’s young dream, but who is? FMIL is okay, I have a better relationship with her but I’m not overly keen on either.
I’ve had serious health problems and have done temporary work over the last 12 months or so. I’m now looking for permanent work. For some reason Future Father-In-Law seems to have got it in his head that I’m not really looking…and hints that I’m mooching off Fiance. FI has put him straight on that.
Over Christmas last year Future Father-In-Law gave Fiance a lift to the train station – he was on his way to see me. FFIL was coming out with his usual ‘Mittens needs to do this, she needs to get a job etc (why it is any of his business in the first place is beyond me) and then he asks my Fiance ‘do you really love her?’
Fiance was taken aback, and said ‘of course I do’ He said he was so stunned that his father asked and in such an inappropriate time/place that he didn’t say much more…
4 months later and I’m still really angry when I think about it. Does Future Father-In-Law really think his son would ask a woman that he doesn’t love to marry him? Is Future Father-In-Law implying that I’m unlovable?
I haven’t seen the Future In-Laws since. And really have no desire to. I’m not asking if I’m wrong to be angry, I’m just wondering if anyone else would be if the same happened to them…
Post # 3
My ex proposed and I said yes and one of my very good friends asked if I loved him. That was like 3 or 4years ago and it still bothers me. Nothing against her but WHY did she ask?! Lol! I feel you, it’s like why on earth would I want to marry someone I didn’t love!?
Post # 4
@Angelz_love: That’s it exactly… WHY???????
We aren’t stupid young kids that have known each other 5 minutes. We’ve both lived, had other relationships, etc. I can’t help the fact that I’ve been ill (FFIL says it’s ‘just an excuse’… He’s a f**king charmer)
Fiance loves his job. Future Father-In-Law doesn’t like it because in his eyes, Fiance doesn’t earn enough, isn’t a high flyer, isn’t using his degree…which, as we live in the UK, was free and didn’t cost Future In-Laws a sodding penny!
Future Father-In-Law is all about ‘show’, ‘keeping up with the Jones’….an attitude that I find highly annoying. Which is amusing, considering that I was the one bought up by millionaire parents!
Post # 5
As hurtful as it is, I think I would try to assume that FFIl had good intentions. I think it is perfectly reasonable for a parent to ask a kid if they are sure. My BFF asked me right up until the last minute, said we could run, right then if I needed/wanted to. I liked that she had my back like that. I’ve had friends with parents (I don’t have one) ask the same thing. It wasn’t because (my friend and their parents) didn’t care for their partner. Just that they cared about their kid, me even more.
Post # 6
Without knowing full background I woulddday he’s just being protective. My parent love my husband and have never said a bad word about him, but when my dad drove me up to the church he turned to me and said “if you want me to just drive you away right now, I will. Don’t worry about the money we spent or what people will think”. I just really read ot as parents wanting their kids to know that they love them unconditionally and are on their team, not as undermining my ability to choose a husband.
Post # 7
@andielovesj: Ditto apparently 🙂
Post # 8
@TheMsMittens: I think some people just don’t know when something is not their business (even if it affects the person they love). I would completely understand and support your FI’s parents wanting the best for their son, but at the same time it’s his relationship, and it has to be his choice who he is with and marries.
Sometimes you just have to realize that parents will always care so much for their children and want the best. With that, they most likely don’t see the day to day life you and you Fiance live, and if you are truly happy together. They probably see you from time to time, and know the history you wrote in IP, and then worry.
In the end, it’s going to be hard to move past and it will take time. But hopefully over time they will be at ease seeing how good you are together. No relationship is perfect, and from my experience, I find the ones that appear “perfect” on the outside are really the most troubling on the inside.
Good luck to you both. Just follow your hearts, focus on your relationship, and do your best to lose the bitterness. Yes, last part is way easier said than done, but hopefully over time hurt feelings will start to heal.
Post # 9
Well I must be different, but I don’t see a 41 year old man as a ‘child’ And considering we’ve been together nearly 3 years and engaged for 2, I take it as an insult to both of us.
I was with my ex H nearly 17 years and his parents would have never questioned him like that. Mind you, they were far nicer and friendlier people.
I never felt judged by them. By FI’s parents, nothing but.
Post # 10
@andielovesj: and @SapphireSun:
I agree with both of you. I was the Maid/Matron of Honor in my BFF’s wedding, and I asked her once when she became engaged then again at the wedding. It was the same “just say the word and we’ll run” thing. I wanted her to know someone was there if she wasn’t sure. It wasn’t that I didn’t want her to do it; I just didn’t want her to feel like there was no one there if she was having second thoughts. She laughed and declined the offer, and I was more than happy with that choice too. However, if your Future Father-In-Law is trying to talk your Fiance out of it rather than just support him, I think that is a completely different story and inappropriate.
Post # 11
I mean no disrespect at all by this, but I honestly would think that your FFIL just really loves his son and truly wants the best for him. He may see what he believes to be some major “red flags” about this relationship, and he likely just wants his son to be sure that he’s making a wise decision. Although your Fiance is 41, he is still his parents’ son, and they are trying to look out for him.
Once the two of you are married, however, it would be best, and very wise, for Future Father-In-Law and Future Mother-In-Law to fully embrace you as their DIL.
Post # 12
Something I forgot to mention is that Future Father-In-Law will himself be unemployed after May. Maybe he will stop looking down his nose at me when he’s in the same boat.
I feel insulted that being unemployed and previously married would be seen as ‘major red flags’. Personally, I think that the fact my Fiance is bisexual would be seen as more of a ‘red flag’ to his father, considering how homophobic he is. Mind you, if he and Fiance were actually that close, Fiance would have been able to tell his parents that he was bi years ago…
Post # 13
@TheMsMittens: I am sorry. I did not mean in any way to offend you or to imply that I thought that being divorced and unemployed should disqualify you from being with your Fiance. My Darling Husband was married previously and has children from his first marriage. And I am not currently working, since I had to resign a very high-paying corporate job two years ago when I relocated to join Darling Husband and his children full time in a rural area of another state. I was simply trying to note that your Future Father-In-Law may have found some of — or the combination of — the factors you listed in your OP to be of concern to him.
Post # 14
I’m guessing he was just looking out for his son… Here’s a story for ya
My mom was getting ready on her wedding day to marry my dad (They’ve been together 32 years this year, got married young… 21 and 22). She had a hard morning because it was an emotional day and her hair “didn’t work” — Typical girl 🙂
My Grandad turned to my mom and basically told her that it was ok if she didn’t want to go through with this. It didn’t mean he was doubting her relationship with my dad… He just saw her crying, and wanted to show her that he was supporting her no matter what… It’s a huge joke to all of us now 🙂 But at the time, I’m sure that was hurtful to my dad when he heard about it… But it was simply my Grandad showing his care and support for my mom 🙂