(Closed) What would you think if …

posted 11 years ago in Emotional
Post # 17
Member
407 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

thats a little bit too much to be springing on someone two months prior to the wedding. Did he give any explanation as to why he wanted to persue that?!

Post # 18
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

Two months before the wedding is a little bit short on timing and not that fair to you in terms of giving you time to process…We definitely signed one as we both had assets that we wanted to protect.  But I will say that we had many discussions about it for several months, probably at least 6 months or more before the wedding.  

Also, I second the poster who noted that you need to make sure you have your own attorney check it out if you guys decide to have one ( I guess this depends on your state’s rules).  My husband’s attorney didn’t feel like doing the work and kind of printed out a general one (NOT what my husband had told him we wanted) in which it had said I would sign away my right to alimony and child support! This was changed immediately, and my husband got quite angry at his attorney, but thankfully my attorney caught this!

Post # 21
Member
1205 posts
Bumble bee

I honestly can’t say that I’m for or against them, but I can say that had I signed one, I’d be in a better place.  REALLY long, dramatic story made short, I married the man of my dreams and one day his mom passed away and it broke his heart.  Instead of getting help to deal, he went out and partied.  $40,000 of debt later, he wanted a divorce.  With 2 kids and keeping equity (a car) I ended up with 3/4 of the debt.  A prenup would have protected me more. 

You never know what can happen – if you love him and he’s being fair, try to look beyond the stigma of the agreement and work through it.

Post # 22
Member
95 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2008

With the rest of the background story, it becomes even more clear that this really should have been discussed much earlier.  It really is up to the two of you though- is there a reason he brought your parents into it?  As I said before, I understand his side of wanting to protect his assets.  We both had assets to protect, but I will say my husband had significantly more than me and his family’s business as well. You definitely can and should BOTH have lawyers to come up with something fair.  It’s not all one-sided and it shouldn’t be him dictating. 

Post # 23
Member
6009 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2009

Wait, so if I get this right, he decided he wanted a pre-nup because a lawyer in a totally unrelated conversation brought up the topic.  He told you he wanted one, and then called your dad to hash it out?  But your parents didn’t call him back, and now the situation has blown up, kinda out of control?

It sounds like everyone is feeling super emotional about this issue, and with good reason!  It sounds like everything just kinda got out of hand.  The first thing I would do is take my parents out of the situation.  It might be easy for you to forgive and forget with your Fi, but your parents might hold a grudge.  If they’re already telling you to call off the wedding, you can bet that they feel really upset with your Fi and probably won’t forgive him that easily.  I would tell my parents that I appreciate their concern, but that pre-nup or not, this is an issue my Fi and I have to work out on our own.  Then, I would just stop talking about it with them.

The second thing I would do is sit down and try to talk rationally with your Fi.  If getting a pre-nup was a decision made on a whim based on some remarks in passing, he might not have put the thought and research into that decision.  Had you discussed finances before this point?  If you had, a pre-nup could really change how you had planned for your future together.  If not, this is a helluva time to start the conversation.  🙂  The important thing, I think, is for you two to come together and discuss the pros and cons of a pre-nup in your relationship and situation.  It might be beneficial for you to get one, or it might not be.  Only you can decide what the right action is, but hopefully, you’ll be able to come to the decision together.

Post # 24
Member
853 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

why is he talking to your parents about a prenup when it should concern you and him the most?

i think sitting down face to face with your Fiance, without parents or lawyers, to understand WHY he wants a prenup is a good starting point.

there probably shouldn’t be any other wedding planning until this is ironed out.

definitely get your own lawyer if you do go through with a prenup. would you be agreeable to a prenup in theory? it might be good for you to talk to someone to understand what a prenup typically entails so you’re educated on it.

Post # 25
Bee
11808 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2009 - Barr Mansion

I’d definitely consider it.  I think it depends on your financial situation and the REASONS for wanting a prenup.  If it’s just to be cautious, sure go for it.  If it’s because your relationship has trust issues, then maybe it’s time to seek counseling.

Post # 26
Member
5992 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

oh Ms H… sending hugs.  this is a real difficult thing to approach and discuss so please try to be strong.  discuss the current assets and does he acknowledge that you have contributed to them? if yes, then that needs to be discussed further and put on paper.   this document SHOULD be fair to both of you so dont let yourself to be pushed into a corner.  think of this as a piece of paper that once signed will be put away forever – it does not have to rule how you live your lives and love eachother

sending hugs because you dont need this so close to the wedding

Post # 27
Member
14181 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

Yeah it sounds a little weird, too. I get his reasoning behind it (maybe he simply hadn’t thought about it, that’s understandable) but why’d he talk to your parents instead of you? Keep your parents out of it–they’ll cause too much drama. and GET YOUR OWN LAWYER for sure. Make sure he does have good intentions for the prenup, it’s not just a trust issue or “she’ll screw me over” so it’s handled well.

Get a lawyer for your own benefit so you don’t get taken advantage of or you just get so tired you give in to what’s on the paper b/c you don’t think you’ll ever need it. Keep your own interests at heart while he is keeping his.

Ok so you say his assets are in his name….are your assets in your parents’ names? if that’s the case, he can’t touch anything that’s yours if you don’t technically own it (such as if your parents’ house is in THEIR name, your Fiance could never take it unless it got transferred) and stuff like that.

Don’t let your parents blow up too much or vent your frustrations to them. They’ll always hold it against your Fiance forever and ever

Post # 28
Member
396 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2010

MsHymanRoth, in most states (I know GA, TN and KY for sure), both parties are required to have an attorney during the drafting and signing of the prenup. This ensures that both parties are protected, and nothing ridiculous is made into a contract. In addition, it’s usually required that the prenup be initiated well in advance of the actual wedding, so that a person cannot be coerced into signing a prenup simply because they’re so close to the wedding. I don’t know if 2 months qualifies, but you may want to look into that.

Here’s a link that I found useful – http://www.bankrate.com/brm/prenup.asp. Particularly look at who should get one and signs of a valid prenup. Even if you both sign a prenup, if there is a ridiculous component of it, or only 1 party had a lawyer, or it was done 2 days before the wedding, a judge will probably invalidate it in the event of a divorce.

Post # 29
Member
2470 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

well if it were my Fiance… I’d probably laugh cause he doesn’t have anything worth covering with a prenup.

But if this is something sincere, I say listen with open ears and remember that this isn’t foreshadowing divorce, but just playing it safe.

Post # 30
Member
813 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2020

Wow, this must be so hard on you. I think the best thing to do is to really take a step back and figure out where all this is coming from and how YOU really feel about it. It’s a very touchy subject, and conversations about a prenup can spiral out of control. 2 months before the wedding is pretty emotional and stressful to begin with, without all of this. I’m sure your parents feel very protective of you, so they are probably adding a bit of heat to the topic.

How do you feel about a prenup? Are you ok with a prenup that would protect the assets that he is bringing to the table, but perhaps not those that you help him grow? I don’t know your plans for the future, but if you decide as a couple that you will raise children while he works, or if you decide to quit your job and move across the country for his job, you are both working towards his career. And that is 100% ok, if you both decide that is what is best for both of you. BUT you should also have access to “YOUR COLLECTIVE” finances, in my opinion. 

So perhaps you’ll have a better idea if you take a step back and figure out exactly what he is asking for, and how you really feel about it.

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