What would your reaction be…

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2017

It happened to me (my ex and I were still friends). I was beside myself with grief. My new bf of one year and I ended up breaking up over it. I kept thinking what if I stayed with my ex or married him (I was the one who ended the relationship) and my new bf didn’t understand why I was so sad. 

Post # 3
Member
827 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2014

anonb2 :  I feel awful for your loved one, I’ve sometimes wondered what someone is supposed to do in that situation.

How long were they together? How did the relationship end? Amicable or messy? Is the new partner an understanding person? How would it affect the family of the ex if they were to turn up at the services? Did the ex have a new partner at the time of their passing? Would your loved one be able to handle all the mixed emotions and possible side eye if they were to attend?

These are all factors they should consider. Somehow I think it should be simple: they loved them and they want to show their respects but I’m not sure if it always works that way.

ETA I once went to a funeral where multiple exes turned up and as I far as I know it wasn’t a problem at all. And for me, I remember thinking every single one deserved to be there even though the wife was there. But that’s because they all acted as grown ups and it was ‘the more the merrier’ in terms of love and respect that day

Post # 4
Member
57 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I have been in that unfortunate situation before. It’s such a weird feeling. I don’t even know how to describe the feeling. But I’ve always been told that funerals are for the people still alive that need to get closure. So if you want to go and feel like it would give you some closure I don’t think it would be a problem. Hopefully your current partner is understanding. 

Post # 5
Member
1979 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2016 - Sussex, UK

As much as your friend may be sad about it I think the feelings of the family and the deceased’s partner/ widow/ widower need to be the first thing to think about. They wouldn’t need to feel anymore upset/ unsettled on the day than they already will. 

I haven’t seen my ex before Darling Husband for 6 years and I never want to see him again. I would feel sad for his family if he died but no way would I want to go to his funeral so I don’t have amazing advice.

Sorry that happened to you eandh0904 . Glad you have been able to move on.

Post # 6
Hostess
8760 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: Dorset, UK

anonb2 :  I am so sorry to hear that your friend is going through this. To be honest, for me personally, it would depend on which ex. My last one. He treated me life crap and it ended badly so wouldn’t feel the need. The one before (longer term) it ended as well as it could have done and we consider each other friends still. I would like to think my SO would respect and understand my choices either way – but you just don’t know sometimes unless it happens to you.

Post # 7
Member
1815 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

It’s really going to depend on the situation. If there’s a new wife and kids, then no – I wouldn’t. I’m thinking of my ex, who’s now been married and has 2 kids – I wouldn’t want to upset them. 

Post # 8
Member
267 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I have often thought about this because my ex is a police officer. While I haven’t seen him in a while, he was a huge part of my life for years and years and if something happened to him I would be asbolutely devestated. I think it is fine to go to the funeral to pay respects but not make a big show of it.

Post # 9
Hostess
3876 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

anonb2 :  I have never been in this position, but I don’t think I would attend any services for my most recent ex (granted we dated a decade ago).  I would be sad because he is a good person and we had an amicable breakup, but I haven’t been in contact with him or his family in many years so I think it would just be weird for everyone.

Post # 10
Member
751 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

anonb2 :  I feel like regardless of how it ended, there’d be some grief there. That’s someone who affected a big part of your life. Like, when people I went to HS with have passed away, even if we weren’t close, it was still sad and I went to their services. So of course if someone I had been very close to were to pass away, I’d assume there would be some pretty big feelings to deal with.

I don’t know that I’d go to the services. Perhaps if we were on good terms, or if I/he was not in a relationship, or of course if we had kids together, etc.

Otherwise it might make the deceased person’s family uncomfortable (again, unless y’all stayed on good terms, or something like that). What I’d do instead is send flowers to the family. That shows you care, but it also acknowledges that you know the best thing to do is give them their space. It is thoughtful, and appropriate.

It is a terrible thing to have to deal with, regardless. :/

Post # 11
Member
9982 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: City, State

Nope. My ex has moved on and has a SO and a daughter with her. I feel it would be disrespectful to his new partner for me to show up there.

Post # 12
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

anonb2 :  

I do have a long term ex, however if he did pass away I would feel sorry for his family but he and I had such a bad past and he was abusive and over all a horrible person so I wouldn’t attend.

However, if my husband and I had dated and broke up. Based off our relationship I would still go to the services. My new boyfriend or partner would have to understand the relationship ended but the friendship didn’t.

I’m sorry this happened to you’re loved one. I feel if the relationship didn’t end on bad terms then they should go pay their respects. They don’t want to regret it.

Also, on a side note my cousin and her long term boyfriend broke up on somewhat bad terms. He left her for another girl. After 7-8 years. However when he saw our grandmother’s obituary in the paper he showed up and paid his respects because he really cared for my grandmother and her for him. He even brought his new girlfriend and things weren’t awkward because everyone was surprised he would even come to pay his respects.

Post # 13
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2017

I would absolutely go. Any partner that couldn’t understand why you would grieve for someone you once loved is not a partner I would want. 

Post # 14
Member
6272 posts
Bee Keeper

I think that funerals are for the family and friends of the person who died. To support them. So I’d have to decide if me being there helped them or not. 

Personally, unless the ex remained a good friends and our spouses were equally involved with each other I’d stay away and if I felt grief, I’d find a way to have my own private way of processing it with the help of my friends if needed. 

Post # 15
Member
551 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

My ex-FI died of a rare cancer 2 years ago (almost 3 years after we broke up). He was my first love, first relationship, etc. and it did not end well but we kept in infrequent contact after he was diagnosed.

I chose to go to his funeral service and pay my respects to his family even though I was engaged to my now husband at the time. His death hit me harder than I was expecting it to but I’m glad I went as I do feel like it gave me some kind of closure.

Edited to add: My husband was AMAZING about it, by the way. I know it had to be incredibly weird for him to see me crying over another man I’d been in a relationship with but he was so supportive. Definitely helped me appreciate even more the man I was marrying!

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