(Closed) What’s a fair compromise? Friend visiting from out of town….

posted 6 years ago in Married Life
Post # 3
3175 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

Honestly, I expect my fiance to suck it up when my out of town friends are in town. I don’t usually make him go to every outing, but I expect him to at least go to one. Usually, we do one get together where he comes, and then I go to one get together on my own over the course of the weekend, and he can hang out with his own friends while I do that. I think that’s more than reasonable to expect 4 times a year.

Post # 4
778 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So…you’re being transparent and giving him plenty of notice about your plans and he’s included any time he wants to be, and he’s opting out and then being pouty about how you didn’t flake out on your friends at the last minute? Wow.

Keep doing what you’re doing–be honest about what you’d like to do, and follow through with your plans. He’s a grown man! If he wants to spend more time together when your friend is in town, it’s his responsibility to either tell you well in advance that he would like you to himself on a certain day or else suck it up and get to know your friends better. Don’t put up with his passive-aggressive guilt tripping after the fact. You deserve the same forthrightness and consistency that you’re showing him.

Post # 5
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

If this were me, I would just tell him your plans and let him decide whether or not to join.  I don’t think you should miss any events during your friend’s visit to spend time with your husband, unless you want to.  For our relationship, we have gotten to a place where we are both secure doing our own thing and don’t feel the need to compel each other to join our friends if the other doesn’t want to.  However, having said that, my husband recently picked me up from a friend’s birthday night at a restaurant, which he declined to attend because he had something else going on.  However, I felt like he could have at least stopped in to say hi and wish the friend a happy birthday since he was already there picking me up.  I talked to him after that about making a little more effort with my friends and he agreed and has made good on it.  I think it depends on your relationship and what you want.  I have learned not to force these things though because then I get a cranky husband on what is supposed to be a fun night out.

Post # 6
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I had one set of friends Darling Husband just could not stand to be around.  We would go to their house for brunch and it would drag out to an all day affair of doing nothing.  There was never anything going on, just “hanging out.”  He used to call it the “black hole time suck.”  He once looked at me after a four hour brunch with puppy dog eyes and begged “please don’t ever make me go over there again.”

I just told him he didn’t have to go, and when I did go with him we tried to set it up where we would go for a few hours and then leave.

I have a friend now who does something similar to your friend.  He comes to town a few times a year when he is out on work and I wish we could just go to dinner or maybe breakfast, but it becomes a weekend affair.  It sucks because it is almost always during all my midterm grading, and Darling Husband is invariably out of town on work during his busy season so I end up stuck on guest duty.  The guy is a good friend, but I juggle three jobs and work more than 60 hours a week.  I just don’t have the time to “host” beyond a meal or two.  

  If you really enjoy spending marathon weekends with these friends, go for it.  Just make the schedule clear to Darling Husband.  But you should also feel free to opt in and out of activities.

Post # 7
404 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

@oracle:  I don’t really have advice except to empathize with you as my Darling Husband is somewhat similar. My hubby wouldn’t like me spending the whole weekend with my friends if it is going to be a fairly regular occurance. But telling him he is free to spend time with his friends doesn’t work either as he is introverted and doesnt socialize much. Does your Darling Husband have his own circle of friends/something to keep him occupied? Do you know what he plans to do when you are out with your friends? Agree with what PP have said, you can just join them some of the time and spend time with your hubby too so he doesn’t feel left out.

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