(Closed) What's a girl to do?!? *Long*

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 3
1144 posts
Bumble bee

The behavior you are describing is abuse from him. Also his family abused you as well! Who does that? I don’t think it is in your best interest to get back together with him. When they say better or worse I think the vows mean loss of a job, depression, but not physical and verbal abuse. I have to say at 31 the chance of him changing for you is very slim. You don’t get into a relationship or marriage with someone expecting them to change.

Post # 4
3639 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

@PinkL:  You are not his saviour, you will not “fix” him or change him. If at almost 31 he cannot stand up against his family for you and let them phyiscally abuse you, then no, he doesn’t deserve a second chance.

Get out now whilst you still can with the least amount of baggage possible. 

Post # 5
8146 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 2010

Pleading with the victim, promises to change and threats of self harm are all part of the abuse cycle.  He does not mean a word of it.  Abusers don’t change, even with therapy, it’s very rare for one to make genuine changes.

ITA with Tickles, you are not his savior.

You managed to get out under your own steam, rather than in a body bag.  Be grateful.  

Please don’t even consider going back to these toxic people.


Post # 6
3763 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

No. You deserve to be happy. I don’t see how getting back together with him will help lead you in that direction.

Post # 7
11272 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@PinkL:  be happy that you are out of there.  that sounded like a nightmare.  stay away and live the life that you deserve.  i know marriage is one thing but abusive is another.   get a divorce and start fresh.  seriously, you deserve so much more.

Post # 8
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Please DO NOT go back to him, under any circumstances.  They will kill you.

Post # 9
4464 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

You really ought to give yourself the chance to be happy in this lifetime and stop worrying about his chances. 

Post # 10
1650 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@PinkL:  Do not, under any circumstances, go back to that house. Not unless you have an armed guard, well-trained guard dogs, and a lawyer present.

From what you said, you are INCREDIBLY lucky to have gotten out of there without being seriously injured or killed.

Only you can decide what to do from here. . . but, since you asked for advice, here’s what I would do:

1. Stop promising to come back if he makes those changes. He won’t and, if he does, it won’t be a permanent change and you will be back in this same situation over and over again.

2. Stop communicating with the asshole and his family. If he calls, don’t pick up or have someone answer for you to say that you aren’t interested in talking anymore.

3. Hire a divorce attorney and get a copy of the police report. I would highly recommend filing charges against him and his family as well.

Seriously, do not believe a word he says. He lied to you before, put his family before you, and allowed them to abuse you. He doesn’t deserve trust or compassion. Divorce his ass right now and be grateful that there aren’t any children involved.

Post # 11
268 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

Please do not return to that situation, no good came come from it.  I agree with everything the bees have said, and I hope you do to.  He is an abuser who also stood by and watched his family harm you, this is not ok.  

Post # 12
10 posts
  • Wedding: September 2012

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you. I personally, don’t feel that he will change. It sounds as if he was just trying to say the right things to win you back. 

And also, don’t feel bad about him having to start his life over again. He was the one that put himself in this situation, and he wouldn’t have to do that had he thought about his actions (his family included, ugh).

Post # 13
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

“Hire a divorce attorney and get a copy of the police report. I would highly recommend filing charges against him and his family as well.”

Yup. They all belong in jail.

Post # 14
982 posts
Busy bee

@PinkL:  I used to have a boyfriend who was in to pot. I found out, and wanted to leave. He assured me he could quit, etc etc. no, he just became better at hiding it. His own father told me the extent of his drug issues, 5 years into our relationship. I would have left years ago – he could have been who he wanted to be. But he chose instead to lie, and when I found out the truth, I called it off and have never looked back. He was also very dependant on his dad – his dad does, and pays for everything. 

you have to weigh it up – can you honestly see him leaving the comforts of home, to be independant? He’s currently working a job he doesn’t even get paid for. It’s obvious he is enabled by his parents. He can continue doing what he’s doing with no real consequence.

he, and his family are abusive. He on his own will still be abusive. You have to seriously ask yourself – is this what you signed up for? If he never changes, will you be ok with that?

i know these are some hard questions to answer, but at the end of the day, you do deserve better – you deserve to be happy, loved and looked after. Just because you are married, it doesn’t mean you have to hang around and deal with poor treatment. An abuser knows all the right things to say to win you over again and again, but rarely will they change for the better.

i wish you all the best.

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