Post # 1
Hi Waiting Bees!
Brand new to the site, but not to the game!
Background: I will be 27 in July and my boyfriend will be 35 in June. Our 3 year anniversary will be in May. I love him very much and knew around year 2 that I wanted to marry him. However I have been having anxiety about whether he really intends to marry me and how long I should wait around for him. He recently left his (dead-end) job of 12 years to start a new career which I’m 99% sure he did because of me. We have talked about marriage and he has said that he wants to marry me. In fact, last year, he told me that he wants to buy a house and asked if I would be willing to stay with him until them. He didn’t mention getting married at that point but I’m assuming that if he was thinking that far out that marriage is in the plans. As far as I know, this whole thing won’t be happening for at least another 3-4 years because that’s when he will be able to afford to make it happen.
At the time I told him I would wait because I do want to marry him. But now I’m feeling differently. 3 years is a while and I’m not getting younger. I don’t want to wait another 3-4 years without a solid commitment AKA a ring. I actually wouldn’t mind being engaged while waiting for him to get more established with his career. I don’t know how to talk to him about this without it seeming like I’m putting pressure on him because the LAST thing I want is a proposal that came from pressure.
One last note: I am planning on getting my own place later this year and want to live with him and I know he wants to live with me but I won’t until there is an engagement (mom’s stand, my own personal beliefs). I’ve thought about telling him this to see how he reacts-but again, I don’t want a proposal out of pressure.
What should I do??
One other funny note: Xmas 2012 he got me bracelet from Tiffany’s and then told me afterward that he didn’t get a ring because he didn’t want me to see the box and then freak out when I saw it wasn’t an engagement ring!!! Has anyone else ever gotten that…
Post # 2
Have you expressed these concerns to him? Many men are quite happy with the way things are and don’t change things unless prompted. They don’t read minds and that’s ok. I explained my concerns to my SO and got a Timeline which made me happy! Tell him you don’t expect a crazy expensive ring if you do not! A guy could be worried his Girlfriend wants a 10k ring when she only wants a 1-2k something and that could also be holding him back!
Post # 3
Are there potential children to consider? If you and him are hoping to procreate, and hope to do so within the confines of marriage, waiting another four years to become engaged may not be favourable. He may not be even thinking about a timeline for procreation, but realizing he’d be at least 40 before having a child could put everything into perspective. It’s a logical point to bring up in the conversation you should be having with him.
Post # 4
maweelo: defintely tell him how you feel about living together sans commitment. Be calm and logical and sweet about it… but tell him. And stand by it!
I feel the exact same way about it and have been open since the beginning with him. I think it really helped us progress to talking about an engagement, for him to really want it too.
Post # 5
LittleE3: Thank you!! I’ve sort of commumicated my concerns to him…but now that it’s coming to the 3 year mark it’s probably time to have another talk.
Post # 6
endplusone: Thanks! There are no kids currently in the picture. This is actually a great point to talk about as he has said before he doesn’t want to be an ‘old dad’. I will definitely keep this in mind.
Post # 7
MrsBuesleBee: Thank you!! I plan to tell him about the moving/commitment issue once I’m ready to move and will be sticking by it! I think his response will tell me a lot about where he sees the relationship going.
Post # 8
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
maweelo: In fact, last year, he told me that he wants to buy a house and asked if I would be willing to stay with him until them. He didn’t mention getting married at that point but I’m assuming that if he was thinking that far out that marriage is in the plans. <br /><br />Don’t assume, ask and know what exactly the plans are. I wouldn’t wait around for 3 more years without knowing exactly where I stood with this guy. A guy that isn’t married by 35 is a red flag in my opinion because he has had a lot of time to live on his own and develop a routine as a bachelor (i.e. marriage is not an absolute necessity.) Just be careful and really listen to what he’s saying because I have a weird intuition he’s merely teeling you what you want to hear rather than what he really believes.
Post # 9
maweelo: First of all, good for you for not wanting to take the next step with him until you have some kind of commitment. I agree with PP, you need to have a talk with him about all of this.
Personally, I am not a big belever in waiting until you have every financial duck in a row before getting engaged or married. Life happens. There will will always be something that makes “now” not the ideal time. If getting engaged is important to you, let him know you are ready, and that you don’t need a $50,000 ring for him to propose with. We live in such a material oriented society, and sometimes I think guys put off proposing because there is such pressure on them to have the “perfect” ring and create the “perfect” proposal story. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting a nice ring that is cost effective now, with a plan to upgrade in the future if it isn’t exactly what you want.
Good luck OP! Keep us posted!
Post # 10
maweelo: Why do women feel they have to be so passive in their own lives? I get you don’t want to put the thumbscrews to your boyfriend or issue an ultimatum but asking him what his thoughts are is neither of those things.
This is your life. You get a say. Don’t let anyone make you feel that taking an interest in your own future is wrong or pushy. That’s ridiculous. You have a right to know where you stand and to have an equal vote in your future with him.
You say you’ve discussed marriage and he has indicated he wants to marry you but has neglected to say when. So ask. Find some time this weekend and ask to talk.
Say you’ve been thinking about the future. That the two of you have discussed a future together and marriage and houses and you’d like to know if that’s still what he wants and if so, when he sees these things happening. Listen to what he says. If he is vague then tell him you feel its time to talk seriously about timeframes. If he seems uncomfortable or feels put on the spot then tell him if he’s not ready to discuss it right now you can table the discussion but would like to revisit it in a week or so after he’s had time to give it serious thought.
If he remains vague or gives you a timeframe that you are uncomfortable with, say so. If he won’t give you one at all you need to be clear that’s not an acceptable answer long term. That if he doesn’t know now, then its something the two of you need to start to hash out. If his position is that you must quietly wait in perpetuity until he’s decides what he wants to do – that’s not going to work. It is not fair of him to ask you to wait indefinitely with nothing more than vague promises and good intentions to sustain you.
Don’t be combative or angry and don’t be apologetic.
As for the financial stuff – if the two of you are already supporting yourselves, then finances are not really an obstacle. I get that many guys feel they need to achieve a certain standard before marrying and if that’s one of his issues, then discuss it.
You are smart not to move in with him until and unless there is an engagement and a wedding date. DO NOT buy real estate or anything else with him. First things first. Its good to have your own standards and stick to them.
Post # 11
Zhabeego: applause. fantastic advice. I think all waiting bees on here should take exactly this advice.
maweelo: if this is your potential husband you have to be able to be straightforward and address issues head on with him. That us not pressuring, that’s being the other 50% of the relationship.
Also a big plus 1 to the poster that said not to assume anything.
Post # 12
This isn’t 1950 anymore, but lots of men still need to feel like they can financially provide for a family before getting married. That said, he doesn’t need to have achieved that goal, he just needs to be on that path and it sounds like he is. Lots of Bees have given good advice about expressing your feelings and needs, just remember to let him know you have complete confidence in his abilities and future success, and that he needn’t wait to have X dollars in his bank account before marriage.
Post # 13
beachbride1216: Thank you! I don’t plan on waiting for 3 more years in limbo. His last serious relationship ended 6 years ago; his ex really burned him and before we got together he said had ‘sworn off’ women. Some days I do think he’s telling me what I want to hear, which doesn’t help at all! I’m looking forward to getting some more concrete answers.
Post # 14
Bridey77: Yes, exactly. I’m not a believer in having all the financial ducks in a row before engagement or marriage, but I can understand how he would feel better about everything if the ducks were more in a row than they are right now before taking those steps. I think he believes I want a super expensive ring though I have never stated this fact. If that is in fact what’s holding him back it’s definitely worth telling!
Post # 15
Zhabeego: Thank you!! Exactly things I need to hear. In our past discussions we haven’t talked about timelines but with where this relationship is now I think that is very important to consider. I was uncomfortable with the whole buy-a-house-in-3-years thing as soon as he had told me but I didn’t say anything about it right then. I feel like now is the time to get more clarity.
Thanks for the reminder; I wouldn’t DREAM of getting real estate or anything else with my guy until there is a ring and a date.
canadajane: I too do believe he is on that path to being financially prepared. I think his parents have had quite an influence on his thoughts on relationships/marriage. They have been married over 40 years; his dad has always been the breadwinner and when his mom started having kids his dad had her stop working. When we have had our conversations he has ALWAYS brought up the fact that he wants to be married and comfortable, not married and struggling. I don’t want to be married and struggling either, but I also don’t want to be married at 35!