(Closed) What’s Going on in his Head? IMPATIENT!

posted 8 years ago in Waiting
Post # 4
Member
454 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

Honestly, just talk to him.  But know where to leave it, because I certainly didn’t and, well… not only do I know he is proposing, everyone knows.  His parents, my parents, our friends.  And I know the date… kind of accidentally, and kind of on purpose.

If I had left him to his own devices, sure, I would have absolutely appreciated it… but we learned SO much in the last 7-8 months of ring searching that I’m glad we experienced it together.  I learned about what I wanted, what he envisioned, and we met in the middle somewhere.  If I had never had a serious discussion about how I probably needed to be kept apprised of our progress, though… I’d be driving myself, and him, crazy.

Also, I think it’s beneficial to talk about wedding expenses up front.  Our catering minimum is about $25K.  Now, we’re able to save in all other aspects so it was a worthwhile trade off… however, I think if we hadn’t really gotten down to the nitty gritty of expenses before the engagement, there would have been a lot of fights.  He thought we’d be able to pull off a wedding under 10K.  I’m sure that is possible somewhere, but not for the type of wedding he wanted to have. 

Anyway, I digress.  If you’re meant to be together, bringing up a logical conversation about direction and logistics shouldn’t start WWIII. πŸ™‚

Post # 5
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

From a fellow “long-poster”, I say no need to apologize! Sometimes you just need to get stuff off of your mind.

I have a few questions and I’ll share with you what I did. And keep in mind it’s the “blind leading the blind”  πŸ™‚

“We have had several talks about all that and marriage, and in some of our recent talks he has alluded to the fact that his plans may have changed.”

I can see why this is making you feel confused/impatient.  Did he offer any more clarification about these “changed plans”?

“i feel like every time I ask, he pushes it off farther so that it will be more of a surprise.”

Has he said specifically that the discussions are pushing it off further or is that just how you feel?

I don’t think it’s fair to “punish” you with further waiting when you bring it up. If that is what he’s doing. On the other hand, you say you’ve talked about it many many times, perhaps he needs some space from the discussion.  How frequently do you bring it up?

When I’ve talked to my guy in the past, I did let him know my thoughts and feelings in a non-blaming way, and let him know that I didn’t want him to feel pressured to do anything he didn’t want to do. This seemed to get him to open up more.  I asked how much time he needs and what HIS timeline is. Then I listened to what he had to say. Not always what I wanted to hear, but better to get the truth than make assumptions from stuff he “kind of mentioned”. This was my way of involving his thoughts and needs and not feeling like I’m pressuring, or that the conversation is just all about what I want. We should be partners, so the decision happens *together*.

Depending on how frequently/recently you’ve talked, I would offer a few possible bits of advice:

1) If you’ve been bringing it up/hinting all the time, commit to yourself that you will *drop all wedding/engagement related talk* for 1-3 months. Then let it go, circle the date on your calendar, and resolve to check-in with yourself and re-visit the subject at that time.

2) If you feel the need to talk to him about it, and it’s been awhile since you talked, please do so directly. Guys communicate directly about important things, the “kind of mentioning”/hinting comments do not count and you can’t assume you can take these at face value.  When I’ve talked to Boyfriend or Best Friend candidly, I found our ideas of what was “planning” vs “speculating” about our future were a wee bit different.  Talk to him when calm and not freaking out. Be prepared to see him squirm if he’s been avoiding it, be prepared to listen even if it’s things that are uncomfortable to hear (his doubts, what’s holding him up, etc).  Make sure you feel at peace with yourself for wanting to know the answers, be sure that you *really* want to know the answers, and that you deserve to know them.  If you want everything to be a complete surprise, this strategy may not be for you.

3)iIf you really want to live together, and he knows you need to be engaged, this can be a way to open up the conversation. “I know we’ve talked about living together, we talked about this some time ago and you know my boundary is that we be engaged first. I’m wondering what your thoughts are on that right now?” 

Hoping this makes sense πŸ™‚

 

Post # 6
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@artichokesalad: “Honestly, just talk to him.  But know where to leave it”

Great advice! 

Post # 8
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

You’re very welcome πŸ™‚ It makes me happy to know my rambling replies can be helpful.

Good for you for not bringing it up after your talk when you said you wouldn’t, good self-control.

It’s really cute that you are so excited, you’re really looking forward to the surprise and your life together and you’re willing to give him the space he needs. Those are all very positive things and I would focus your attention and any possible communications on that.

I do know how excitement can run away with you during waiting time. You mentioned it may be helpful for you to have a timeframe, but not too specific becuase it would ruin the surprise. If you do decide to talk, perhaps something like this would work without putting him on the spot?:

“I’m so excited to start our lives together! I’ve been trying really hard not to bring up engagement/wedding-related stuff so you can have your space to surprise me. I won’t pretend it’s been easy though…becuase I’m so excited! I’m feeling conflicted: one one hand that it would be good for me to know a broad timeline for when we’re getting engaged (maybe this year or not?) so I can better manage my expectations and not get carried away….on the other hand I REALLY don’t want you to feel pushed, and I DEFINITELY don’t want you to tell me anything that would spoil the surprise. Does that make sense?”

Then see what he says. Wait for a good moment when you’re both super happy with the relationship and there hasn’t been any tension/bickering.

And if you’re afraid you won’t know when to “leave it”, just add this:

“please promise me you won’t give anything too big away, I’m not sure I trust myself to know when to stop talking about this” πŸ˜‰

 

Post # 10
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

@yellowlinedpage: LOL! I thought that “script” would be a non-threatening and 100% honest thing to say.  It can be so endearing when someone admits their vulnerability, i.e. how excited they are, that they may not know the right thing to say/when to say it/when to stop talking becuase you’re SO EXCITED! That is so cute. If I were your Boyfriend or Best Friend I would give you a big hug πŸ™‚

(((virtual hug)))

Post # 12
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

I hope it goes well! You’re right about easing the tension, good point. If it’s from the heart I’m sure it will be fine.  My boss who is one of my greatest mentors always says “if your intentions are good, you can’t make a ‘mistake’. There are no mistakes only learning experiences if where you come from is pure and you are doing the right thing”

Aack…I just realized I must remember that advice as well, I’ll be walking into the “Lion’s Den” shortly for a work situation :-p

Post # 15
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2015

Isn’t it strange that you “forget” stuff during this type of conversation? It’s almost like my brain warped the first time I talked about marriage with my guy.

Good for you for going for it…you realize you still didn’t get a timeline, though right? Are you OK with that?

Does he know “sooner than you think” would be “sooner than the end of the year”? LOL! Just don’t get your hopes up for before the end of the year and end up going crazy….

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