(Closed) What's in a name? Help!

posted 6 years ago in Names
Post # 3
Bee
1835 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2012 - Oak Tree Manor

If neither of you wants to give up your last names, then I really think you should keep them. It’s not the end of the world if your kids have hypenated last names… I’ve had a lot of friends over the years who had hyphenated last names and they had very happy families. I even had a few friends who took their dads’ last names and their moms kept their maiden names. It’s really what goes on in the emotional relationship that counts – one day when you have kids and they’re older, they will probably understand how difficult a decision it is to change your last name if you’re the last in the family.

Post # 5
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

I bet you’re right. I bet his mother said something about the hyphenating idea. But you know what? If it wasn’t him mom, it would be someone else. Like it or not, there’s a stigma associated with men changing their names after marriage. I am not saying it is fair or right, I am just saying that you are asking your Fiance to bear the burden of people looking down on him, people asking questions and him constantly having to explain. Maybe he’s thought it over and has decided he doesn’t want to deal with that.

Rather than feeling hurt and like he turned his back on you, maybe try and think about it from that perspective. Ask him his thoughts about it.

Post # 6
Member
9917 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2013

Tell him that if doesn’t want to hyphenate, that’s fine…but that you’re going to keep your maiden name.  Tell him you are disappointed that the compromise you had didn’t work out…see if that helps.

 

Also, you have a right to be upset, and shouldn’t blame being upset on having your period.  You don’t need to provide a reason for why you’re upset that isn’t HIS ACTIONS.

Post # 8
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

I wouldnt be mad at him for it. He is a guy. I can only imagine how unmanly that would make a guy feel. Maybe not yours, but it would definitely make mine feel that way. He made it clear from the beginning how important it was for him. And while I understand what you are saying about being an only child and wanting to keep your own last name, you most definitely should not force yours onto him. I would just leave it be if he is understanding enough to not insist on you taking his last name as you originally wanted.

Post # 10
Member
64 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

I think that the compromise of you both keeping your last names and then hyphenating your children’s names is ok. But, I totally understand that you are upset with him for changing his mind, and that is frustrating. I would be upset, too.

Post # 11
Member
901 posts
Busy bee

@mayflowerbride13:  It’s just because people in general aren’t as liberal as they should be, in my opinion ;). I also agree with the PP that said that it may make him feel “unmanly”. My SO is very liberal and we have a very modern, equal relationship. But I know he’d feel like less of a man if he took my name or if we hyphenated. 

Also, I think it’s much less unusual for a woman to not change her name these days. The most I ever see is people being a little confused that two people are married because they don’t share the last name. “OH, that’s your wife, I didn’t know!”. That kind of thing.

Sometimes it’s very hard to go against the grain, even for people who nearly always do it  regardless of what others think. I am that kind of person, always have been. In most circumstances, I do not care what people think at all.

I will take my husband’s name because we want to have kids and I want us all to have the same name. I also want to be identified readily as his wife. I don’t want him to have to constantly explain to his five trillion family members in this country and another why he carries my name and I don’t want him to have to deal with constantly being looked down upon for it. Plus, I like his name a lot and I own a corporation named after my maiden name. So it’s sort of like keeping it! But, most importantly, I know it will make him very happy for me to take his name. That’s enough for me.

 

Post # 13
Member
4520 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

This IS a big issue — you aren’t being silly. 

I think it’s ok that he changed his mind, though. It’s a huge decision to change yoiur name — it really is! So after thinking about it longer (or talking to his mom…) he may have realized his true feelings. YOu wouldn’t want him to change his name and then resent it. 

I stringly believe that nobody should change his or her name unless he/she wants to. In your case, I think he should keep his name, you keep yours (no hyphenation!), and the kids can have a hyphenated last name. Try to agree now on what order the names will be… M-P or P-M, if that matters.

Post # 15
Member
5958 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2018

I’m sorry honey, it’s terrible that you are upset and I understand why you don’t want to give up your last name if you are the one and only.  I’m going to give your Fiance mad props for even considering the hyphen, because most men won’t even go that far and I will guarantee that his mother had something to do with him changing his mind on this, in fact I would imagine she admonished him rather harshly for it because this is a very old tradition and when he told her he was going to change HIS last name, she probably took that as a huge insult to the family.

He was also very clear with you about this from the start, so it was obviously important to him and I would imagine that the hyphen idea was probably one of those things that sounds great when he’s talking to you about it, and probably loses a lot of lustre out in the world when he brings it up with his family and friends….

There’s no real reason for either of you to have to change your name, not anymore, really….but to me it’s like showing everyone we’re on the same team…you two do that in a way that works for you both.

 

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