(Closed) What's in a name? Help!

posted 8 years ago in Names
Post # 17
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Well the “good times” just never stop with his mom do they?  Sheesh.

Here’s what I’d do.  

Take your FI’s last name.

Move your last name to a middle name.  Either drop your existing one, or if it’s sentimental to you, keep it, and add your maiden name as a second middle name.  

Give your kids your maiden name as THEIR middle names.

Post # 19
Member
542 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

@mayflowerbride13:  This is really tough. Honestly, I love your solution. I wish I could be helpful. I’m sure it’s hard for a man to change his last name, but I’m not sure they realize it can also be VERY emotional for a woman, as well.

I know I’d be upset, as well, if I were in your position. Have you checked around apracticalwedding? They’ve really dont a lot with name changes and whatnot, and it’s possible there is a blogpost about how men feel about changing their names, and how to help them feel most comfortable.

I guess, though, put yourself in his shoes. I’m sure he got pressure from his mother. As a woman, you kid of assume you’ll change your name, and it’s a big decision not to. For your fiance, it was never something that crossed his mind, so it might just be really uncomfortable for him.

ETA: I’ve decided not to change my name, so I understand your hesitance. For me, taking my last name as a middle name is not a solution, so I’d understand if this was not a viable compromise in your head.

Post # 20
Member
2605 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

View original reply
@mayflowerbride13:  My Grandmother’s middle name was Watkins… it was actually fairly common years ago to give children their mother’s maiden name as middle names.  How’s that for a challenging middle name?

Post # 22
Member
803 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Try telling him, “Okay.  You keep your name.  I keep my name.  And our kids will keep my name, not be hyphenated.”  See his reaction.

I’m just kidding.  But that does give him an idea of what it feels like to suddenly be blindsided after working out a compromise.

If he’s doing this because of his mom, it’s bad news.  He’s not going to get married and magically change his mommy-first relationship.  When you do have kids, will he still be fine with hyphenated names for them, or will she convince him that they need to have just his last name?

 I know it’s hard for him, and hard for you.  I’m sorry you have to deal with this.  Maybe you can pick a name to use socially but not legally?  Like, be known as “the mayflowers” to all of your friends but legally you are may mayflower and he is april aprilshower and your kids are legally mayflower(or you could be known as “the aprilshowers” but I’d suggest mayflower if the line ends with you?).  He might not like that either, and it’ll be confusing for your kids when they get older and understand one of you has a different legal name for a last name, but you can always say it was just easier than a name change.  Or even just socially be known as the “mayflower-aprilshowers,” without anyone legally changing a name.

One big practical thing, I know this isn’t entirely related: register whatever legal last name you give the kids as an alias.  Both of you.  It will be put on your passport so that if you’re ever traveling with them, there won’t be an issue where you’re suspected of abducting your kids because you don’t have the same last name.

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