(Closed) What's it like being in a healthy relationship after horrible ones?

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 46
Member
342 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

ClassicStarlight:  It was over 20 years since i had dated him first time around so that break up was just down to us being young. No issues with that this time since we are both mid to late 40’s now

Post # 47
Member
108 posts
Blushing bee

For me, it was a matter of not being with the right guy. I, like you, was also in two relationships prior to my current SO that were less than ideal. My first ‘real’ relationship began when I was in HS, and I was with him on and off for 5 years. He was crazy and abusive. My second relationship lasted for 3 years. A lot of our problems stemmed from him. He also cheated. I had wondered if it was something with me .. I’m not perfect, but I always tried to be the best girlfriend possible. Of course, I have grown and learned from these experiences.

I have been with my current SO for a year and a half, and he is the love of my life. He’s an amazing, attentive, compassionate, and respectful person. He is definitely the one! So for me, I believe it was a matter of being with the wrong person rather than there being something wrong with me. 

Post # 49
Member
1017 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

For me, I feel calm and at peace with my SO and the feeling is completely different than what I’ve felt in previous relationships, even ones that were pretty decent.  Another big thing I noticed was that there are habits and things that my SO does, that would previously irritate and make me angry in my past relationships.  Basically, it was so right that the little things didn’t matter any more and were easy to let go and I am just so proud and in love with who he is. 

Post # 50
Member
54 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

So I had just gotten out of a 3-year emotionally abusive relationship, and I made a list of all the qualities I wanted in a man. Shortly after that, I met a guy at a party. He was the hottest guy I had ever seen irl and it was seriously love at first sight for me. We talked for hours and I was mentally checking off items on my perfect man list. At the end of the night, he kissed me and insane sparks were flying. I am usually quite rational and slow to warm up to people, so I thought with such crazy good chemistry on first meeting that this must be “The One”. I got his number, we texted a lot, and after a month we started casually dating. I was so completely into him, but when it came time to talk about exclusivity, he hesitated. He said he liked me, he liked how things were going, and he said that our feelings should be enough and there is no need to put a label on our relationship. I was so into him and didn’t want to lose him so I agreed. One and a half years passed, and we were still pretty much just friends with benefits. It was hell for me. I wanted more, but I couldn’t figure out why this guy who initially seemed so perfect for me wouldn’t commit. I kept blaming myself. Was it because I came on too strong? Because I put out too soon? I analyzed everything. After a trip together, which he had invited me on, I asked him one final time where we stand. He told me we were just friends, so I decided to end it. I didn’t say anything to him about my plan to end things, but I blocked him on facebook, deleted him from my phone, and basically quit him cold turkey. I heard that 3 months later he married his ex-girlfriend. 

After that, I read everything I could to try to figure out what went wrong between me and this “perfect guy”, and how to avoid the same mistake in the future. I read a lot of websites, and I read the books “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “Why Men Marry Bitches”. I didn’t like it, but I even read “The Rules”. I realized that I had been doing most of the pursuing the entire time. I also realized that I should have stopped seeing him as soon as I found out he wasn’t looking for a relationship. I decided I was going to stop trying. I wasn’t going to pursue any guy. If I meet a guy, great, but if not, so what. I was going to have fun. 

And that’s when I met my fiancé. He sent me a message on another forum I frequent and it turns out we live in the same city. We met up, and initially I wasn’t too physically attracted to him. There were no sparks, but he was very easy to talk to, and funny, so we ended up staying out all night drinking and talking. He was so nice, and he was a gentleman and never tried to push his luck with me. He also seemed to meet most of my criteria, other than the physical aspect. He always initiated contact with me, he was the one to do all of the asking out, and he even surprised me with gifts. I was weirded out at first because I had forgotten what it feels like to actually be cared for. I thought it was too good to be true. And I kept comparing him to the guy before him, who I had felt such strong feelings for right off the bat, and who was really super hot. I thought maybe because I didn’t feel that spark, something is wrong and I should end things. Then, I was talking to a friend who is older and wiser than me and in a successful marriage what I should do. She said she thinks it’s better if the guy is the one who seems more interested in the beginning, and that I should give him a chance and see how things develop. I’m so glad I took her advice! This is the happiest I’ve ever been!

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