Post # 1
A cash/honeymoon registry?
As a couple, we’ve already lived together, we have everything we need, and we HATE accumulating STUFF. We have a few STUFF priorities but for the most part, we prefer to spend money on experiences and keep the house clean of clutter. So we really don’t want gifts, but people don’t really listen to that. Besides, I’d be lying if I said I wouldn’t like to be a little rewarded for throwing a fun party and whatnot. What would really help us more than anything, if people wanted to get a present or help, is money, either generally or honeymoon-specific. We just don’t need or want anything else.
But I always read on here about how tacky or selfish it is to solicit money ever in any way, to the point of brides saying they’d register for gifts at a place that allows returns, then return EVERYTHING. That seems deceptive. As a guest, I’d rather the couple ask for money then return something I thoughtfully bought them. I dont want to offend anyone, but then, it honestly bothers me that anyone would be offended about a modern couple being frank about their actual wants/needs.
Why is it so bad, and what’s the best way to handle it?
Post # 3
I don’t mind honeymoon registries at all. I always ask a couple whether they’d prefer a registry gift or a cash gift (where I’m from, registries are usually engagement/shower gifts, and you usually bring cash/check to the wedding, but if it’s a non-hometown wedding I just always ask what their real preference is).
Truth is, you can never just ASK for cash. I know a couple wants cash if they just don’t register. I like honeymoon registries because they allow you to still really give a ‘gift’ if you’re not comfortable giving money outright (in some places, weddings = gifts and not money). The thing is, some people are going to refuse to give money and will send a gift of their choosing anyway–but hey, I registered and some people still sent some oddball gifts that were not from the registry.
Post # 4
When I attend a wedding, I take into account where the couple is in their life together. If they areyoung or just out of college and settting up a home together, that would be a very different gift (probably one from their registry) than one I would give to a couple who has lived on their own for a while (probably a gift of money). If you limit your choice of gifts on a registry, people should get a hint that you have the majority of items covered.
Post # 5
As you probably know, this is a very hotly debated topic in the Hive. Many bees on both sides of this debate have very strong thoughts regarding it.
Traditional registries — those that involve household items — tend to be much more widely acceptable than honeyfunds and other “cash” based registries. Many people find it inappropriate for a couple to ask their guests to pay for the couple’s own vacation. However, some of these same guests may proactively choose to give cash gifts that a couple could decide to use for this purpose. Also, as @bearlove: notes, traditional etiquette in the U.S. does not permit someone to ask for cash gifts, checks or contributions or to mention the idea of gifts (even to say “no gifts”) on a wedding invitation. However, it is perfectly acceptable to have non-prominent links to your wedding registries on your wedding website and to include the URL to your wedding website in a non-prominent manner on your accommodations card that accompanies your invitation. (Example: “For additional wedding details, please visit our website at http://www._____________).
I lived on my own for more than two decades before I married my Darling Husband, and he had been married previously and was a single dad for a number of years. However, we still registered for traditional, household items (a second set of formal china, some beautiful pieces of crystal, formal flatware, some new sheets and towels, various kitchen items, some small appliances, etc.) Some of our guests chose to give us cash or checks, and some gave us gift cards to various stores restaurants, etc. Others gave us items of the guests’ own choosing. However, the majory of our guests gave us gifts from our registries.
Post # 6
From what I read in various magazine and books, guests are not required to bring you ANY gift, but of course they usually want to. That’s why it is never okay to ask for cash. Word of mouth from family members is okay, but never just ask for it.
Post # 7
Word of mouth it is, then.
I know it’s something nice for people to have, but we’re just a little weird about this stuff… I think only someone who REALLY didn’t know us (or perhaps didn’t like us or was playing a prank…) would give formal china. ;-D Honestly, I do see why people would prefer to give housewares, but for us, it’s not just not needed, but actively unwelcome. We place a high value on not having more objects in the house than we need to make us comfortable. Its not a moral thing, just an oddball preference we share. I think if I had my way (if it wouldn’t make me a pariah to both of our families) I’d have a destination elopement and avoid the whole issue! Haha.
Anyway, I think I have a couple trusted family members who can get the “gossip” out on that… Thanks for answers! 🙂
Post # 8
I’m going the word of mouth route. Where I come from, gifts are for showers, money is for the wedding. I alwaya give cash, personally. We’re also both in our mid-30’s and have lived on our own for 15-20 years.
I think there is no difference between registries. To me, if registering for a honeymoon ia tacky, then registering for expensive place settings and fancy kitchen gadgets is also tacky. I also don’t understand why responding with “We already have all of the household tchotchkes we could ever need, but we are saving for a house downpayment” is any more rude than “We’re registered at Crate and Barrel, Williams-Sonoma, Macy’s, and Target!” when asked about the registry.
Post # 9
If you want cash, just don’t register. If someone asks you where you are registered just say, “we opted not to register at any stores, as we already have the household items we need”. Most people will get the clue and gift cash.
You can’t ask for it though. I think the problem people have with honeymoon registries is that they aren’t real. People think they’re being sweet and buying you a massage or jet ski rental, and in reality the website is taking a cut of the money and just writing the couple a check. If someone wants to give cash, they should just be able to give cash.
Post # 10
@starfish0116: +1. This, this, this.
@Bebealways: As a guest, I’d rather the couple ask for money then return something I thoughtfully bought them. I dont want to offend anyone, but then, it honestly bothers me that anyone would be offended about a modern couple being frank about their actual wants/needs.
Why is it so bad, and what’s the best way to handle it?
It’s “bad” because you’re putting yourself in the position of forcing your guests to give you nothing but cash. While being honest about your needs, you’re also specifically soliciting a cash gift.
If you don’t need “stuff” and don’t want to register for household items, then just don’t. That is being honest enough. =]
Post # 11
I don’t mind it at all. In this day and age most couples do live together and have most house stuff already by the time they get married. While I certainly don’t think you should ask for ONLY cash, I don’t think it’s wrong to have both a honeymoon and a regular registry. There will always be some older people who would rather buy a “thing”.
Post # 12
Its bad because you’re asking your guests for money, plain and simple. If you don’t want things, don’t make a registry. People will figure it out on their own.
Post # 13
@starfish0116: Exactly this.
Post # 14
@starfish0116: Thank you for the wording there. I don’t know a lot about weddings so I was worried that the “just don’t register” thing would be confusing but I can totally see how adding the “we already have what we need” would be perfect! 😀
Post # 15
- Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort
We registered, though as people who cook a lot, we really did want upgrades to our pots and pan and a set of dishes that we chose together and that food would look yummy on. Mostly, though, we hoped for cash. We got some very nice gifts from our registry, but we mostly got cash. If anyone asked our parents whether we would prefer cash or gift, they told them cash, and our guests understand where we are in life and that cash is always appreciated. I still suggest that you register for some things (you can always use new towels and sheets after all) so that guests who are uncomfortable giving cash have direction or you will get gifts that they choose for you that may not be to your liking.
Post # 16
I don’t think honeymoon registries are against ettiquette, as long as you actual purchase/do whatever it is that people “buy” as opposed to taking the cash and run, that way you can write about it in your thank yous.