(Closed) What’s so wrong with the B-list?

posted 9 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 17
Member
1497 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

How would someone know they were B-list? The invititations are the same. Is it the timing?

Post # 18
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@MrsConnick:  Ahahahahaha!  This made my night.

 

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@Brielle:  I’m not sure that is correct.  I’m reading the Miss Manners book now and she says that you can catagorize you friends into lists (A, B, C) and you shouldn’t let them which catagory they are in.  But I didn’t see anything about inviting them seperately in rounds.  Maybe I am missing something?  I think it’s totally ok to sort your friends and family into groups, but you send all the invites at once and do not send out more when you get an RSVP of “no.”

 

 

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@j_jaye:  Exactly this.

OP, I completely understand why you want to do a B-list, but it doesn’t make it ok.  People will most likely find out they were B-listed and how awkward would that be when they find out that they were back-ups? Weddings are expensive and everyone understands that.  They understand that you can’t invite everyone.

Also, I really dislike the party line of “well, they should feel honored that I invited them at all.”  To me, it’s a bit presumptous to think that your wedding is so important and special that they should feel oh so honored and lucky that they even got an invite.  I would feel honored if you made room for me the first time,  but not when someone else who is clearly more important can’t make it.

Post # 20
Member
2701 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

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@Brielle:  Oh, ok.  Thanks for sending that.  I’m going to be honest, I’m surprised Miss Manners is okay with B-lists.  It just has the potential for so many hurt feelings.

Post # 21
Member
705 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

It depends a lot on the situation.  My friends already know that Mr. Z has a massive family.  So outside of the wedding party, we’re only inviting out of town friends and some close local friends.  Then as his family members hopefully decline, we get to start inviting our wider group of friends.  I also have a buffer so that when a certain number people decline, I can just invite the whole group of friends at once instead of waiting for all of the no RSVPs to come back without having to worry about not having enough space.  We’re inviting about 130, the venue holds 150 so when 15 declines come back, I can invite the 30 or so friends that we had to hold out on inviting without me getting worried about capacity.

Post # 22
Member
7899 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012 - Pelican Grand Beach Resort

If you must B-list, you have to find a way to do it in that won’t make it obvious to people that they didn’t make the first cut. It’s against etiquette to reserve people for backup; either they deserve to be invited or they don’t, but in reality, it’s not that simple, so you should try your best to maintain the appearance of adhering to etiquette while still getting optimum attendance to your event. Ways to do this are to wait a very short amount of time between sending out the invitations for the two groups, putting all people who know each other and might talk on the same list, and setting an RSVP date that is at least a month after the date you are sending the second set out.

Post # 23
Member
148 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

We don’t have a B list, we just have a small guest list. But I don’t think B lists are inherently “rude.” There could be rude reasons, like maybe the A list is all people expected to give “better” gifts; or the B listers are invited only to make up for gifts that won’t be given by A listers who declined, or to make an event look more full. But circumstances always limit how many people can be invited. Resources are finite and family politics can be intense and overriding and can dictate who gets invited first. The ideal B list is made up of people you would love to celebrate with, but can’t invite until the circumstances change. As an invitee you can evaluate the situation and realize you have been slighted or manipulated by a B list invite. I don’t doubt that happens. But to catagorically reject second round invites is discounting the realities of hosting an event and the possibilty that the couple are genuinely excited about being able to invite you after all.

 

 

Post # 24
Member
5988 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

i think B lists are a reality of life, you have only so many spots that you are paying for whether people sit there or not so if you have some spare you want to fill them with people you would have liked to have invited if you had unlimited space and funds

i only suggest you leave enough time so the receipient doesnt feel like a pathetic last minute invite

Post # 25
Member
336 posts
Helper bee

@smiles4jo:  It’s wrong because it is tiering your guests into “most important” and “would be nice, but didn’t make the all-important-must-have-cut”.  If you don’t want your great-aunt there and would prefer your friends, don’t invite past (1st generation) aunts/uncles/cousins and invite your friends instead.

Your friend isn’t being rude, the host(s)/hostess(es) are being rude.  And, for the record, I doubt I’ll receive any money from my parents for my wedding and would still consider not going to a wedding that B-listed me.  If I’m not good enough to make the original cut, then why do you expect me to still come and bring a gift?  It seems very gift-grabby.

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