Post # 1
A very close friend of mine had a baby a few months ago and she never got that natural attachment to her baby that women say your supposed to get. All her family can talk about is her baby and how cute he is and how they want to see pictures all the time. Their all over her facebook demanding pictures all the time and they get upset when she posts pictures of things other than the baby. Ive seen them write mean thing on her wall when she doesnt post baby pictures. She told me she doesn’t want her life to revolve around the baby and that she had other dreams and goals for her life. She said all anyone wants to talk about anymore is the baby.
Her husband was really excited to have a son but now that the baby is here she said he freaks out when he has to babysit when she goes to work. He doesnt like hearing the baby cry and she said he isnt helping out as much as he promised he just complains instead. My friend went back to work a couple weeks after the baby was born because she didnt want to be at home with him anymore.
She said she wants to divorce her husband and give him the rights to the baby. I was worried that she might have postpaartum depression and urged her to see her doctor because she has a family member with depression so she did but they said she doesnt have it. She seems like normal when I talk to her and shes not around her baby. I feel bad and I dont know what to say to her. When I talk to her I dont know if I should avoid talking about the baby. Does that make it worse? I want to be a good friend and not make her feel bad or make the situation worse but I dont know what to say or how to act around her now.
Post # 3
Are you friends with her husband? could you talk to him about this? or has he mentioned it too you?
Post # 4
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
I would make the suggestion that she ask her doctor about her feelings to see if they are normal for a new mom. Then I would steer the rest of the conversation to being about her instead of the baby. Adjusting to being a mom can be difficult, especially if she is not getting the support she wants or needs from her spouse. Would you feel comfortable inviting them over for dinner and making the suggestion to the dad that he be a bit more involved because the new mom feels overwhelmed?
Post # 5
She needs to speak to someone ASAP. While post partum depression is very common and normal, it needs to be treated. I feel so bad for her- I’m sure she never expected to feel this way. Please encourage her to get help. And if she doesn’t then you need to reach out to her family.
Post # 6
I’m so sorry that you’re dealing with this 🙁 I think the best thing you can do is be there for your friend. Have they considered couples counseling? Though I’m not a mother, I know a baby is bound to change many things in any relationship.
I think all you can do personally is try to be a good friend (which it sounds like you are). I wouldn’t avoid talking about her baby, but I might not bring it up unless she does. Just talk like usual. Allow her to vent about her husband a little if she needs to (no relationship is perfect all the time). Unfortunately, when it’s her life and not yours, you can only do so much. It sounds like she needs to have a life outside of her baby, and you can help provide her with those types of interactions and experiences.
Post # 7
Her husband is a little immature and I think he only thought of the fun things about babies. I dont think he thought about the work that goes into raising a baby and all of the stuff that they dont show on tv. I’m not close with him enough to talk to him about it but he’s on a work trip now anyway so I couldnt talk to him even if I wanted to. I dont know any of her family at all, all I know is the comments they make on face book all of the time.
She wasnt happy during her pregnancy either but I think she believed everyone when they told her that she would love her own baby and that its different from other peoples babies.
Post # 8
She should definitely see a dr. about post partum depression. Maybe you could offer to go with her if she doesn’t want to go with her husband? Other than being a good listener there’s not a whole lot you can do. Try to talk about other things going on in her life when you’re with her. Urge her to see a dr. And if facebook is bugging her, tell her to deactivate her account for awhile. Seems like she feels shes lost her identity to the baby…you sound like a really good friend & she needs you right now, so keep doing what you’re doing and make yourself available to her. Sounds like a really tough situation to be in : (
Post # 9
@auroraborealis: I think you can just be supportive and encourage her to seek counseling before making any rash decisions that she may regret later.
On a side note, “Her husband was really excited to have a son but now that the baby is here she said he freaks out when he has to babysit when she goes to work. ” Someone needs to tell her husband that it isn’t called “babysitting” when it is his own kid, it’s called parenting.
Post # 10
@auroraborealis: Sounds like a couple that didn’t realize what being a parent actually means. Many couples think it’s going to be this very glamorous experience and the truth is it’s very much not. It’s very unfortunate how many people never fully think out their decision to have children, and many of those parents out there would probably go back and do it differently if they could.
Post # 11
Shes already seen her doctor about this. Thanks for the advise and thanks for making me feel better like I’m not messing up with her. I want her to feel like she can always come to me and get away from all the people demanding loads of pictures 24/7. I cant imageine what thats like dealing with all of her family.
Up till now Ive been keepping our conversations mostly about regular life and the same things we talked about before she had the baby. Its just you never hear about a woman not being attached to her baby you hear about deadbeat dads who leave their kids instead. So I dont want her to feel like a deadbeat parent.
Shes been skyping with her husband while he’s on his work trip, but she said he acts like he’s not interested in interacting with the baby when she tries to get him to over skype. I have feeling that she and her husband might get divorced sometime in the future because of this but I dont know what will happen with their baby if neither one of them wants to be a parent. It just makes me mad because even though shes not attached to the baby shes trying to take care of him in the ways she knows how, but I think her husband now sees that it isnt always games and fun and hes over the excitement of it. I think hes very immature but I havent told her that.
Post # 12
I think you’re doing the right thing by giving her an outlet about topics other than the baby – it sounds like she might feel as though her own identity as been lost, since everyone just wants to know about the baby.
I don’t know what your schedule is like, but when her husband gets back from his trip, could you maybe babysit once in awhile so they can have a date night? It might help them if they can go out as adults and communicate without the baby distracting them.
I’m not a parent, so I’m not sure this is an option, but are there parenting classes they can take as a family? It might help the husband get more involved…
Post # 13
I’m not a parent, so I’m only speaking through second-hand knowledge, but I think your friend might need to see a therapist, not necessarily a doctor. Maybe she doesn’t have PPD, but she definitely isn’t happy and I think a therapist could help her. Offer to set up an appointment and watch the baby while she goes – or even go to hold her hand for support.
It is really sweet you care so much – she’s very lucky to have a friend by her side.