(Closed) What's the point of marrying if you're already committed?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 46
Member
415 posts
Helper bee

You’re over-thinking this.

You don’t need a reason. 

Tell him you want to get married because you want to get married. 

Done.

Solved. 

Case closed. 

Don’t lower yourself to wheeling and dealing with him about this.

Post # 47
Member
5891 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

There is something to be said for Traditions. Traditions are very important. Now a days, there are very few things that bring families together. One of the only things is now is weddings. 

There is also something to be said for standing up and making a commitment in front of friends and family. I’ts one thing to say it behind close doors. But saying out loud in front of others…I think it adds a layer of depth.

And don’t pu-pu the pretty, pretty princess day. We’ve had a really tough year, this year. Our marriage is good, but bad stuff happened to us (see my previus posts). We just had our 5th wedding anniversary. After the year we’ve had, it was really nice to look through our wedding photo album. It was great revisiting a day filled with love from our friends and family. 

As for the money, you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. My e-ring is CZ. If you just want to go to the courthouse with family and friends, then go to lunch–do that. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing. So either you have a $5,000 ring and $20,000 wedding or you have nothing. 

Post # 48
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

View original reply
rainandfire: Like PP have said, the point of getting married (and having a wedding) is because you want to. Relationships are about compromise, and it’s normal and healthy to not be on the exact same page all the time. Usually it comes down to who cares more, and letting that person win because mutual happiness is key. So if one person in a relationship wants a wedding and/or marriage, and the other would rather invest time and money elsewhere, usually the person who wants the former “wins.” It’s emotional, but life is about finding a balance between emotions and practical considerations 🙂

I want to comment on some of your specific concerns:

-He doesn’t want to spend more than 2K on your engagement ring and doesn’t want to support the diamond industry. If you need a ring that costs more than that for the sake of your emotional well being, tell him so, but there are countless gorgeous non-diamond (or vintage diamond) rings in that price range, so chances are you can make it work. 

-If it’s important to your emotional well being that he formally propose, down on one knee, tell him so. But if not, compromise. Having a nice date, maybe with a night at a hotel, to celebrate your mutual decision to become engaged (which really is what will have happened with or without a formal proposal), can be lovely.

-If it’s important to your emotional well being for you to have a wedding, tell him so. I think this is something where you’ll have to compromise a lot, so figure out which aspects are important to you. You say you’re pragmatic, so I imagine it’s important to you to have an affordable wedding. One thing that can cut down on costs is keeping it intimate, but if you need to invite 100+ people, there are still ways to make it work. But maybe you don’t need any witnesses, and can have a beautiful elopement, or just your nearest and dearest in a park or small church. And maybe you don’t need a lot of flowers or a fancy dress or a band or an ice sculpture. But maybe you do, and that’s okay.

Good luck!

Post # 49
Member
3212 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Also… This is something important to you. If he was as committed to your happiness as you are to his, why wouldn’t he want something that would make you deliriously happy? What does he stand to lose that isn’t going to be made up for in spades by the happiness this will bring?

Post # 50
Member
7887 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

Anyone can say “We’ll be together forever.” Getting married is an action that speaks louder than those words. 

Post # 51
Member
1443 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

Double post

Post # 52
Member
7805 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

Living in the US, the legal rights are nowhere near comparable for unmarried couples. Even in states that acknowledge “common law” marriage, an unmarried person can often win in court and deny a partner many of the things that marriage would have granted them. 

Societally, it makes an enormous difference. Perhaps because unmarried couples are not viewed the same way here, there is often a bias against unmarried couples. It can be as minor as people not viewing an unmarried couple’s relationship as committed (or not being given a +1 on an invitation to a wedding) to as serious as being denied health insurance on a partner’s policy. And as much as people might like to think that the stigma against having children while being unmarried has gone away, in many places it is still quite common. 

So I personally cannot fathom not wanting to get married unless a person is looking to always have an escape route paved and ready. From what you describe, that is different where you live. But even if it is only to make you happy, I’d still want a legal marriage.

Post # 53
Member
3864 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2017 - City, State

I can see where your SO is coming from. Marriage does not make a relationship more secure and it doesn’t make a person more committed, at least I don’t think. I think in some ways, not being legally bound to a person, but still choosing each day to be with them says something in its own way. I know several people who are married simply because they can’t afford to get divorced, so having the freedom to just walk away and not doing so does count for something, even if it isn’t seen as valid as a marriage by some.

Getting married is something I would like to do (and is a step I’d need to take before I felt comfortable having children) so I guess that would be the “point” of getting married for me. Outside of that, I think I’d be fine just being with my SO. Then again I have siblings in 15 and 10 year relationships (no prior marriage for either) and they seem perfectly content to just be, so maybe that colors my view on things.

He sounds like he is on board with whatever will make you happy and that is a great thing. There is a happy medium somewhere for his pragmatic side and your desire to have the kind of celebration you want.

Post # 54
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee

For us, it’s the family that matters. I honestly don’t want to deal with all the wedding stuff much less spend the insane amount of money we are going to have to to feed 200 family members and close friends. But it’s a really big deal for his family since they’re huge and spread out. Weddings are their opportunity to come together, and Fiance is one of the youngest cousins so its even more of a big deal. For me, I would be heartbroken not to have my extended family at our wedding. I also can’t believe how much he spent on my ring (modest for some but I’m frugal!). So I totally understand where he’s coming from. 

Another reason for me is the public commitment. Your relationship gets more respect when its “validated” by marriage which is dumb but the truth. I get very different reactions saying “fiancé” vs “boyfriend”, and I’m sure the same will happen when he’s a husband. This is totally irrelevant to anything about our relationship itself, but there’s definitely part of me that wants the world to know how much we love each other because I just can’t hold it in sometimes 😉

Post # 55
Member
460 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2006

Life is made up of seasons and milestones. Birth, teenage years, graduation, voting age, legal drinking age, finding the one you love, beginning your career, getting engaged, getting married, having children, having grandchildren, retiring, dying. Each season and event has a celebration or traditional rite of passage to commemorate the milestone. You don’t have an emotional desire to get married. What you have is a case of being human and wanting to celebrate and share the joy of your love for your boyfriend and the fact that you’re committed for life. 

people make labels like being “rational” or “pragmatic” and then feel inadequate when something they desire doesn’t line up with the way they have labeled themselves. Especially when that label carries no joy or fun. Please do yourself a favor and release yourself from the burden of being a certain way and follow your heart. Celebrate your next milestone and enjoy the benefits of calling your guy “husband”. It is human to desire marriage. Why would homosexuals fight so hard to have marriage rights if it wasn’t an innate human desire? 

I think your desire to be married is totally normal and justified. Enjoy your wedding, be spontaneous, do things outside the box and have fun. Being so serious is bad for your health and overthinking something like marriage when you’re already committed for life can suck the joy out of any relationship. Marriage is the obvious next step for you whether it’s with a diamond or not Or with a ball gown or not. You will feel different, you will feel the way you are longing to feel. You’re gonna feel married. 

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